Recently, my mother found a picture of me and
posted it to FaceBook for “TBT”. For those of you that don’t know what that is,
it means “Throw Back Thursday”. You dig into your old photo albums and seek out
fun, embarrassing, or sentimental photos of your loved ones and post & tag them on FaceBook. It’s a regular thing that I almost always
forget to do. My mother has a great talent of finding photos of me in my
underwear or in odd Halloween photos and such.
Yesterday, she posted one that I never knew existed.
Yesterday, she posted one that I never knew existed.
So, here I am. I’m probably about 4 or 5 years old.
I’m a smiling, messy, attitude showing and extremely happy girl on my
grand-parents farm. I actually wept a little looking at it. Why? Well, you
see.. to get from this smiling, feisty, innocent, & fun loving little girl of 4 or 5 to the
smiling, feisty, & fun loving adult (30 years later)– has been a true
testimony to God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness, and all encompassing love:
just & true.
Here’s a picture from this week.
See, I am just as feisty as ever!
just & true.
Here’s a picture from this week.
See, I am just as feisty as ever!
Yes, I’m holding a squirrel tail, smiling ear
to ear, & wearing a CareBear shirt like it’s nobody’s business. It wasn’t always like this. From graduation in
1997 to being 35 and “stable” was a terrible rollercoaster of learning. I left
this small, country town for “bigger & better” things. I married at 18 yrs
old. I moved to North Carolina, onto an Air Force base with my husband, and was
pregnant within the first 3 months of
wedlock. My faith was on the fence. I
knew of God, believed and was baptized, but honestly: I HAD NO CLUE! I know
this fact (now) to have been the real end result—fast forward a few years—to my
1st divorce.
That fast forward part: yes, I’m leaving out several affairs, couple’s therapy, reconciliation of my marriage, more affairs, practicing witchcraft, and having a 2nd child**with major heart defects and having surgery & recovery & etc, then another affair – then divorce, moving several times, various failed relationships, a miscarriage, and yes; more drugs & alcohol. Yes, it was a humungous mess!! I was a humungous mess!
North Carolina was and is a destructive place & time for me. You see, left to my own devices, with no family around, and ignoring God = disaster.
Thank God for my gallbladder attack while home in PA for SAVING ME from returning to North Carolina and continuing on this God-less path. Yes, I’m thanking God for pain, surgery, and being an “adult” living at home. I stayed. I struggled. I wrestled with depression, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and relationship issues.
By this time, my parents have had their own journey of experiencing God’s love and mercy. My dad heard the HOLY calling and had become a Lay Minister. It was an interesting transition for those of us who knew him. Growing up, I remember things that would be shocking to reveal. Dad changed. Mom changed. Their relationship dynamic changed. They both grew more in love with each other as God’s love grew stronger in them.
As the resident wild child, I had a hard time seeing that then. I had no idea they were instructed by God to carry out His plan for me. They were doing what He told them was best. I HAD NO CLUE! God was working on me, but I still struggled with everything.
I was beyond rebellious. I loved my children, who were living with us, but I still was living a Godless life, sowing more of my “wild oats” so to speak. I was out of control. I wasn’t listening. I can’t tell you all the shameful things I said & did during those times. Honestly, I can’t remember them all.
Our merciful God has saved me from dwelling on my sinful & shameful ways. HE has blessed me with the opportunity to start fresh: again and again. All along the way, building on the prayers of others that “this time” it would stick, stay & change me.
Let’s fast forward a little bit again. Fast forward through a 2nd marriage, another affair, long hours/double shifts away at work, couple’s therapy, another miscarriage, separation & moving (again), removal of my highly and long suffered infected wisdom teeth, a 2nd divorce, and more drastic changes. I was living on my own, 2 small children, and finally going back to church: realizing that things needed to change. I couldn’t go on like this. Yes, a few years later I finally re-opened the door that Jesus was POUNDING on. I was born again! Again! I still didn’t have the full meaning, but at least I was closer… right?!
Amidst this transition, I met a man at work. I was changing with the Spirit in me and loving life again. Who knew the decision to love this man “til death do us part” was nearly the end. I mean “the end” as in: total destruction of my time on earth, the lives of my children, and my family and his. I struggled to maintain a relationship with God. I fell into a pattern of heavy responsibility. I felt responsible for everything. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and then Autism-I felt responsible. My husband drank and smoke pot continuously-I felt responsible. I had a new job that quickly went from part-time to full-time in 2 weeks. I carried more & more responsibility each day in every area of life. My kids were starting school, with help from programs, appointments, and medication for my son’s ADHD & Autism. I had a house to clean, a job to work, and bills to pay. Every other weekend, his children were in need of a good step-mother: providing clothes and food and entertainment. I loved them.
On numerous occasions he threatened to kill me, threatened to leave, and many times would disappear for days on end with no explanation or reason. Every time he returned – already threatening me not to say anything to him about it or threatened to leave again (this time for good) or accused me of cheating or mistreating his children, I felt responsible. I questioned my sanity. I felt guilty. I was wondering if maybe I was actually doing these horrendous things and really not realizing I was doing them.
Seriously, I was losing it! I had a sense of responsibility to everything and everyone BUT GOD! I had vowed this was the last time I’d ever marry. I had vowed that I’d make this work; no matter what.
I was being swallowed up by a life I wasn’t meant to live.
You know what? GOD SAVED ME AGAIN!!!
A year and seven months into the marriage EVERYTHING changed.
We separated. I went to live, with my children, at my parents’ house again.
2007 was a seriously rough year. I won’t divulge details, but let’s just say it was a year for twice per week counseling and major transitions—for everyone. He went to jail in April of 2008. Around that time a house came up for rent: conveniently located by my job & the schools. **pretty convenient & perfect, huh?**
Yes, I was depressed, confused, angry, bitter, and hardened. Re-building is never easy nor is it fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through it, but I sure hoped it was the last.
Looking back now, I have FULL CONFIDENCE that God knew exactly what He was doing-HE led me to all the right places, people, and at exactly the moments HE needed them to happen.
Fast forward a few years (again). Divorce #3 was finalized in June 2009. I attempted to date a little here/there – with no real success, no real ambition.
Fast forward some more and today: The children are now teenagers, struggling with their own set of issues. I still have the same job. I still live in the same place. I still occasionally wrestle with anger, depression, emotions, and relationships with other people. I am still single, but I have a real sense of stability.
How is it possible for all that trauma, tragedy, and chaos spanning over a huge period of time not have changed me? Ah.. but you see.. I have changed.
I feel like a new person.
Psalm 51:10
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
I feel protected.
Psalm 56
vs 11 “In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
I feel changed.
Galatians 5:22-24
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
That fast forward part: yes, I’m leaving out several affairs, couple’s therapy, reconciliation of my marriage, more affairs, practicing witchcraft, and having a 2nd child**with major heart defects and having surgery & recovery & etc, then another affair – then divorce, moving several times, various failed relationships, a miscarriage, and yes; more drugs & alcohol. Yes, it was a humungous mess!! I was a humungous mess!
North Carolina was and is a destructive place & time for me. You see, left to my own devices, with no family around, and ignoring God = disaster.
Thank God for my gallbladder attack while home in PA for SAVING ME from returning to North Carolina and continuing on this God-less path. Yes, I’m thanking God for pain, surgery, and being an “adult” living at home. I stayed. I struggled. I wrestled with depression, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and relationship issues.
By this time, my parents have had their own journey of experiencing God’s love and mercy. My dad heard the HOLY calling and had become a Lay Minister. It was an interesting transition for those of us who knew him. Growing up, I remember things that would be shocking to reveal. Dad changed. Mom changed. Their relationship dynamic changed. They both grew more in love with each other as God’s love grew stronger in them.
As the resident wild child, I had a hard time seeing that then. I had no idea they were instructed by God to carry out His plan for me. They were doing what He told them was best. I HAD NO CLUE! God was working on me, but I still struggled with everything.
I was beyond rebellious. I loved my children, who were living with us, but I still was living a Godless life, sowing more of my “wild oats” so to speak. I was out of control. I wasn’t listening. I can’t tell you all the shameful things I said & did during those times. Honestly, I can’t remember them all.
Our merciful God has saved me from dwelling on my sinful & shameful ways. HE has blessed me with the opportunity to start fresh: again and again. All along the way, building on the prayers of others that “this time” it would stick, stay & change me.
Let’s fast forward a little bit again. Fast forward through a 2nd marriage, another affair, long hours/double shifts away at work, couple’s therapy, another miscarriage, separation & moving (again), removal of my highly and long suffered infected wisdom teeth, a 2nd divorce, and more drastic changes. I was living on my own, 2 small children, and finally going back to church: realizing that things needed to change. I couldn’t go on like this. Yes, a few years later I finally re-opened the door that Jesus was POUNDING on. I was born again! Again! I still didn’t have the full meaning, but at least I was closer… right?!
Amidst this transition, I met a man at work. I was changing with the Spirit in me and loving life again. Who knew the decision to love this man “til death do us part” was nearly the end. I mean “the end” as in: total destruction of my time on earth, the lives of my children, and my family and his. I struggled to maintain a relationship with God. I fell into a pattern of heavy responsibility. I felt responsible for everything. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and then Autism-I felt responsible. My husband drank and smoke pot continuously-I felt responsible. I had a new job that quickly went from part-time to full-time in 2 weeks. I carried more & more responsibility each day in every area of life. My kids were starting school, with help from programs, appointments, and medication for my son’s ADHD & Autism. I had a house to clean, a job to work, and bills to pay. Every other weekend, his children were in need of a good step-mother: providing clothes and food and entertainment. I loved them.
On numerous occasions he threatened to kill me, threatened to leave, and many times would disappear for days on end with no explanation or reason. Every time he returned – already threatening me not to say anything to him about it or threatened to leave again (this time for good) or accused me of cheating or mistreating his children, I felt responsible. I questioned my sanity. I felt guilty. I was wondering if maybe I was actually doing these horrendous things and really not realizing I was doing them.
Seriously, I was losing it! I had a sense of responsibility to everything and everyone BUT GOD! I had vowed this was the last time I’d ever marry. I had vowed that I’d make this work; no matter what.
I was being swallowed up by a life I wasn’t meant to live.
You know what? GOD SAVED ME AGAIN!!!
A year and seven months into the marriage EVERYTHING changed.
We separated. I went to live, with my children, at my parents’ house again.
2007 was a seriously rough year. I won’t divulge details, but let’s just say it was a year for twice per week counseling and major transitions—for everyone. He went to jail in April of 2008. Around that time a house came up for rent: conveniently located by my job & the schools. **pretty convenient & perfect, huh?**
Yes, I was depressed, confused, angry, bitter, and hardened. Re-building is never easy nor is it fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through it, but I sure hoped it was the last.
Looking back now, I have FULL CONFIDENCE that God knew exactly what He was doing-HE led me to all the right places, people, and at exactly the moments HE needed them to happen.
Fast forward a few years (again). Divorce #3 was finalized in June 2009. I attempted to date a little here/there – with no real success, no real ambition.
Fast forward some more and today: The children are now teenagers, struggling with their own set of issues. I still have the same job. I still live in the same place. I still occasionally wrestle with anger, depression, emotions, and relationships with other people. I am still single, but I have a real sense of stability.
How is it possible for all that trauma, tragedy, and chaos spanning over a huge period of time not have changed me? Ah.. but you see.. I have changed.
I feel like a new person.
Psalm 51:10
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
I feel protected.
Psalm 56
vs 11 “In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
I feel changed.
Galatians 5:22-24
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
I feel like a child.
Matthew 18:2-4
“Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Now, by all means I do not wish to sound boastful or selfish.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I still have trust issues with people. I have a hard time letting people in and relying on them for things.
The key is now I have a much deeper and truer faith in an all knowing, all forgiving, all encompassing compassionate God; the true judge of my life. I cherish every day HE provides for me to have the chance to live changed, through HIM, to build a better kingdom for HIM & to learn every lesson He provides: good or bad.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.”
If HE can love me enough to be with me the WHOLE TIME, protect me even when I didn’t want it, wait for me to find Him, and continue to lay down a path for me to heal, love, and forgive myself : move forward, learn, mature, and grow and EVERY TIME I messed up, came back to Him -HE IS THERE with OPEN ARMS: how could I not be happy and have a restored & rejuvenated spirit, like a child?
Matthew 18:2-4
“Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Now, by all means I do not wish to sound boastful or selfish.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I still have trust issues with people. I have a hard time letting people in and relying on them for things.
The key is now I have a much deeper and truer faith in an all knowing, all forgiving, all encompassing compassionate God; the true judge of my life. I cherish every day HE provides for me to have the chance to live changed, through HIM, to build a better kingdom for HIM & to learn every lesson He provides: good or bad.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.”
If HE can love me enough to be with me the WHOLE TIME, protect me even when I didn’t want it, wait for me to find Him, and continue to lay down a path for me to heal, love, and forgive myself : move forward, learn, mature, and grow and EVERY TIME I messed up, came back to Him -HE IS THERE with OPEN ARMS: how could I not be happy and have a restored & rejuvenated spirit, like a child?