Under Pressure

I'm finally feeling like I'm breaking free of the funk I've been in lately.
Y A Y !!!

The past few days have been interesting. Lack of sleep - abundance of weird / wacky / frightening dreams - a glimpse of criminal behavior & directing the long arm of the law to it's foe - my grandmother had a heart attack & underwent triple bypass - and there's been a few personal things / discovers / insecurities that keep popping up here / there.

Whew. That's a lot ! I finally got to the point where I finally understood the whole dream / lack of sleep deal. I woke from a dream last night so haunting that I literally prayed for God to intercede and banish satan from his power over my sleep. It worked. I got 3 peaceful hours.

Today's busy workload left me feeling dizzy. I wasn't surprised w/ it being Friday & we only had so many people scheduled to do so many things. Still, it was a good day. It's pay day :)
It felt even more awesome to come home & sit down & pay some bills.

My sister in law messaged me today w/ a very awesome point of view. She knows me and her opinion/thought hit me so hard that I nearly fell over. Basically, her point of view is that maybe the reason I keep getting pushed to the breaking point where I cry and feel vulnerable so much is because I need to know that it's OK to have emotions and that I need to learn to feel strong - even with these feelings.  Hmmm... oh boy.

Talk about getting hit by the proverbial 2 x 4 of realization! ! That started to really sink in.
Add into the mix the release of energy of getting things accomplished at work.
PLUS the love, peace, and comfort of God & knowing that trusting HIM to mold my life and my willingness of service to Him is a priority and B L A M !!! I was feeling great!
and THEN!!!! the Irish Creme latte kicked in - - whew !!! talk about bouncing off the walls!!!

L O L !!!

So, I've finally realized that part of my problem was all the pressure I was putting on myself.
I've been so hard on myself that I almost let myself slip into a phase of crazy that I may have actually required external aid in returning to my so-called normal self.

Ya know I'm NOT normal. I have a sense of pride for my individuality.
I LOVE to smile & laugh & enjoy life - - NO MATTER WHAT !!!
God has molded me into a being that I AM PLEASED WITH BEING ! !
Yes, I know that life is an ever-learning process. Yes, I know there are changes undoubtedly coming. Yes, I know that there are probably some things I may never know or change. .

Guess what ? ! If I never get the answer - guess it wasn't meant to be & something else will take it's place in my list of "what ifs". .

I can not be grateful enough for the people God has placed in my life !
God knew exactly what to lay on people's hearts to tell me that were exactly what I needed to hear, absorb, believe & understand. 

HOW INCREDIBLE IS THAT ?!!!!
God can't be any cooler. Really !

I'm a happy girl  - - - and I almost forgot that's WHO I am. That's how God created me.
So, be prepared..  with Him in charge - - anything is possible.
I'm serious  ! ! ! Anything !!! :)
ya never know what may be around the next corner ?!!

That is the coolest & most exciting thought E V E R  !!!
I'm not longer "UNDER PRESSURE".
God has surrounded me w/ love, joy, and peace and lifted that dark cloud of Satan's attacks from me and my life.

Oh sure, there's still plenty of uncertainties that I could be worrying about . . but why should I ??
I'm doing what God wants me to do - when He wants me to do it . .  So, if I don't get what I want - - It's not what I really needed in the first place.

Greatest of LOVE and BLESSINGS to you all !!!

Signs.. Signs.. everywhere is signs..

Yeah. Signs of spring are everywhere. You can see the ground again. I heard rumors of robins being spotted. There's been some sunshine the past few days & temps above 40 degrees. People are twitterpated. Walking together, holding hands, and being all mushy and ogling each other w/ love struck doe eyes. *gag*

--> side note <--
I like Spring. I really do.. but I hate the spring "rut". It's this primal animal instinct to pair up with a supposed 'mate' and show it off to the rest of the world. *gag*
Don't get me wrong - I am happy for those that have given in to the 'beast' and do it. I'll be praying that it works out & you live a happy & full life together - blessed. It's cool.
I just get really tired of seeing it - hearing about it - and being asked "are you seeing anyone?"
Drives me nuts ! !
--> ok.. I'm done ranting now. <--

The past 4 days I've not slept well. When I do sleep - I've had strange dreams that are so weird and haunting that they just linger. . People have often said about dreams & the possible meanings they have. Like - they're signs for what's to come or what you need to learn. I'm not completely sold on the whole 'believing in dreams' theory. I've often asked God to take away my dreams because I view them as stupid & unsettling & a distraction to what is real.
I'm not sure why God is allowing these things but I'm sure there's a reason. I just have to get through it. I've been trying to get back on track with life. For a while, I was really getting down & nearly depressed. I almost saw a doctor. My pastor was in on Tuesday - had prayer with me & talked a little while. That seemed to help - I felt a wave of calm afterwards. I knew God was bringing peace.
I started to believe I'd get through this week feeling better.
I prayed that God grant me the ability to keep myself controlled and not be steered away from what He wants me to do/think/say.

That was Tuesday - I came home & rearranged my living room, had fun w/ Lily & it was a good evening. I took the motivation of a sign of good changes to come, a glimmer of hope of things to strive for, or even a sense of accomplishment / validation.

Then.. Wednesday, while I was working - my dad has stopped to inform me that my grandmother had a heart attack and was being rushed to the hospital for surgery. Knowing my father, I immediately started calling the folks that needed to know: family, clergy, and etc..  I kept praying the whole time - knowing God was with them and that everything -regardless of the outcome would be alright. At 2:30 pm I was about to my breaking point. I was drained. I couldn't stand it. When I took a break, I finally let out a few tears. **have I ever mentioned how much I hate when I cry? I see crying as a sign of weakness / instability in myself. Like I'm not strong enough to handle what's happening so.. I cry.**
By 3pm, it was bad enough and left work.

I felt defeated and vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. *that's where I've been lately*
I keep looking for signs that it's not true. That I'm as strong as I need to be. That I'm being strong enough for those around me. A co-worker keeps saying things like "we're human" and "nobody is perfect". . Yeah, well.. I don't like it. When I cry - I feel weak and it's almost as if my tears are discrediting the feelings I have. Like, every time I slip up and cry - no matter what I'm feeling has become completely nothing. fake. stupid. or like I'm over dramatizing it.

Anyway - signs. I've been looking for signs. I've been praying for God to reveal things to me and I know He'll answer in His perfect timing. There are days though when wonder why it has to be so complicated ?? I pray that it could be so much simpler.
Either yes or no - black or white - all or nothing. No more gray areas, where you hang in limbo and feel like you're missing something - where you're left room to wonder if you're searching for something that isn't there.

Despite all the human mind twisting: I know God is there -doing what He needs to do. I trust He's leading the way and I'm really trying to clear out the distractions and seek the REAL signs: The ones from Him.

You see, this week I had an experience. I had an opportunity to turn some information over to authorities about possible illegal activity. I went for it. Turns out, I was probably right.
I feel that I did the right thing.
Even though, there was plenty of people around me that were trying to persuade me to stop.
"you know, you're going to feel horrible about doing this if it turns out to be nothing."
I still did it anyway. It felt good. Made me feel a sense of "ok God, I know you placed me here today for a reason. An act of justice for the greater good - a little larger scale than usual."
Normally, I'm happy just kinda acting on small things on the sidelines: praying for folks, offering help which they never seem to take, smiling at people that need a smile, doing things for people w/out being asked, and etc.. This was one of the biggest things I've done for a long time. It made me feel so good that I even thought about looking into a career in law enforcement. I talked myself out of that though.

haha! ! I'm getting really good at that.

I don't really know where to go from here... I've kinda lost track ..
Guess I'll just leave this open ended...
cliff...........................................................................hanger.

Here's to another day of living. . and an opportunity to look for signs.
Whether they are good / bad / ugly / or just.. there.

Spring Forward???

YUMMY!!!!

 Last night, after work, I went to a local annual "hot spot": Mazeppa Troop 512 Spaghetti Supper. It was delicious ! ! I was able to make it home, shower and spruce up a bit before going. That felt awesome! I let my hair down and had some schmutz in it for the first time in MONTHS. I also did my make up. Another thing that I haven't done in a very long time. Supper was awesome. I saw some folks that I haven't seen in a long time. It was really nice!

Dolled up / Hair down

I returned home, set the clocks ahead, and crawled into bed. Sleep didn't come easily to me. When it did, I dreamed some odd dreams. There was a man in my dreams. The details are sketchy but at one point this man scooped me into his arms, pushed the hair back from my face, and looked me in the eye and said, "you are more beautiful than a high definition tv" and I can't remember what else he said. I woke myself up. Actually, it was my cat, Burris. She bumped the nightstand w/ my talking bobble head Phil Robertson.. "happy happy happy". It was a welcomed interruption of my dreams. I can't help but wonder why I have dreams like that. It hurts my feelings to think those things. It leads me to think of other things and feel down on myself..

Honestly, today wasn't a terrible day. I left my hair down again. I had a few beautiful compliments from a few kind folks. I was thankful to them for their kind words, but I didn't feel beautiful. Still don't. Something.. just.. isn't.. right.. with.. me.. lately. I think it's because Spring is coming. I have a hard time keeping my expectations under control. To live a life without expectations, hopes, or dreams. . that's been my goal. Living in the moments. I don't make decisions or plans for the future because there's too many uncertainties. I've had too many things in the past that cause me to keep myself guarded.

It was hard not being reflective today. There was some down times when my mind just whirled and whirled with oodles of things. I had a few moments of weakness. I almost slipped and lost control of myself.

At one point an older male customer came in. I saw his arrival and knew how he always is around me. I prayed .. "Dear God, please don't let him be a disgusting flirt today." --- I'll tell ya.. the visit wasn't horrid but it wasn't what I asked for either.
He asked me if I still walk. "yes" He asked me if I still had my man fellow. "no"
He then asked me if I like older men. "well, I like Sean Connery. He's sexy." He laughed. "no, older men aren't something I normally look at. . my ex husband was 13 yrs older than me. He nearly ruined our entire world. So no.. I tend to shy away from a man that's more than 5 yrs older than me." (*the man knows the story.*)
A lovely story followed about how when he was a teen and his mother's choice in men & how he dealt w/ a .. "less than suitable choice" for a potential stepfather. It was gruesome. He had pride in his voice for his actions. I was glad he defended his family but that was about the 10th time I've heard that one. I wasn't impressed. It reminded me of my ex-husband.

He left. I was left.. with some in/out memories of the past. I even mentioned them a little later on at work, in the company of some co-workers. I hate it when I do that. **Shortly after that "Sweet Home Alabama" played on the radio. Another reminder of my ex.** One young man, whom I respect and think is one of the sweetest kids to work with, remarked "..I had no idea.. April, you deserve a really good man." Such a sweet kid. I didn't have the heart to tell him - I'm not sure what I deserve. So.. I went for the comic relief. I mentioned my stellar abilities to attract the wrong types: especially when I don't want them. I tried to laugh it off and affirm my capabilities of being strong enough to handle life w/out a man.

Today, I was also reminded that things come when you least expect it.
Trust me, I try to have no expectations. I've got a guilty confession. Last year I saved up and bought a dress: a gown. I bought it because it's perfect. It's "the dress" that I've dreamed of since I was a kid. The kind of dress that I'd love to get married in. I had to have it. STUPID STUPID STUPID.  Now, it's in a tote--sitting. I've thought about selling it. I just don't have the heart to do it. I wanted that dress. I worked hard to get it: overtime and everything. It's "my" dress.
Yes, I know - realistically I may NEVER wear it, NEVER have a use for it, NEVER do anything with it except try it on, enjoy the look of it & eventually someday to sell it.

I'm a stupid stupid woman. I bounce back and forth trying to decide - figure out whether I'm really ready for something that I've never been able to fully achieve.
I believe marriage should be forever. I've failed that 3 times. No, they weren't horrible men all the time and I did my own bad decision / behavior during those times. I'll take responsibility for those times.  I like to think I've learned a lot since then. I feel more ready /prepared now than ever.
I made a comment today to a friend, "Why would God grant me the knowledge I need to succeed if He isn't going to grant me the opportunity to use it?" I got the chance to reflect upon the timeline. My brother & his wife are coming up on their 10th wedding anniversary. I was married the same year they were. WOW! Most of that 10 yrs, I've been single.  The closest I've come to a real relationship lasted a year and he left me. . I'm not bitter. I'm not depressed. I'm not desperate to start internet dating or anything so drastic. I'm not every day pining away or feel the need for someone in my life..

I just get... B L A H !!!!

I was so heavily reminded today. . Spring is coming. I can tell. People are getting twitterpated. Remember the movie "Bambi" and how in the Spring everyone pairs up with a mate. Yeah. I saw that today. A LOT. I hate Spring. I detest the outpouring of public displays of affection. Don't get me wrong, it's allowed, it's wonderful, and I'm happy for them. I love seeing older couples still holding hands and taking care of each other: HOWEVER.. I don't like to be bombarded with it and fall victim to the pressure to do so myself.

It scares me. Every relationship I've ever had has never been strong enough to last.
There are days when I feel so angry with myself for wanting a relationship. There are days when I vow to turn down any man that dare ask me. There are days when I come home and feel grateful for the "ownership" of my own space. I return to just how I left it.

Then there are days when I feel stupid .  . lonely .  . and semi-depressed. I wonder if I'll ever know the joy of being a virtuous wife. A woman that's loved, honored, and worthy of sharing life with a man worthy of my loyalty and trust. I sometimes wonder if I haven't used up all my chances. It nearly breaks my heart. I have so much love that I feel God's building up in my heart for a man's companionship as a  life partner. . That final leap into a real relationship worthy of it all, as much as I sometimes desire it, scares every fiber in my being. I'm so afraid to go 100% because I've had to rebuild so many times.

I'm so STUPID. It just wrecks my mind when I get to thinking about things like this. I pray so hard that God's will be done - whatever it may be. Have faith that He's in control and that I'll know when He's made a decision that He needs me to accept.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I'm tired of being reminded of all the time that I've wasted.
I'm 34 yrs old now. There's been enough trials that I've learned quite a bit. I've changed a lot.
There's been a lot of time to heal the so-called wounds.
This morning, as the sun was rising and it was showing a glimmer of Spring's arrival, the radio was playing "Ready for Love" by Bad Company.
Am I ? Not sure.
I'd like to have the opportunity to try.
Who knows? ? Maybe Spring will not only prove of evidence of "twitterpation" of others.. but maybe I could be part of it as well.

*I won't hold my breath, but I'll keep my fingers crossed out of sight of everyone.

Regardless of the outcome of this Spring - - I am looking forward to it and I'm going to keep pushing forward as best as I can. Lord willing.