Spring Forward???

YUMMY!!!!

 Last night, after work, I went to a local annual "hot spot": Mazeppa Troop 512 Spaghetti Supper. It was delicious ! ! I was able to make it home, shower and spruce up a bit before going. That felt awesome! I let my hair down and had some schmutz in it for the first time in MONTHS. I also did my make up. Another thing that I haven't done in a very long time. Supper was awesome. I saw some folks that I haven't seen in a long time. It was really nice!

Dolled up / Hair down

I returned home, set the clocks ahead, and crawled into bed. Sleep didn't come easily to me. When it did, I dreamed some odd dreams. There was a man in my dreams. The details are sketchy but at one point this man scooped me into his arms, pushed the hair back from my face, and looked me in the eye and said, "you are more beautiful than a high definition tv" and I can't remember what else he said. I woke myself up. Actually, it was my cat, Burris. She bumped the nightstand w/ my talking bobble head Phil Robertson.. "happy happy happy". It was a welcomed interruption of my dreams. I can't help but wonder why I have dreams like that. It hurts my feelings to think those things. It leads me to think of other things and feel down on myself..

Honestly, today wasn't a terrible day. I left my hair down again. I had a few beautiful compliments from a few kind folks. I was thankful to them for their kind words, but I didn't feel beautiful. Still don't. Something.. just.. isn't.. right.. with.. me.. lately. I think it's because Spring is coming. I have a hard time keeping my expectations under control. To live a life without expectations, hopes, or dreams. . that's been my goal. Living in the moments. I don't make decisions or plans for the future because there's too many uncertainties. I've had too many things in the past that cause me to keep myself guarded.

It was hard not being reflective today. There was some down times when my mind just whirled and whirled with oodles of things. I had a few moments of weakness. I almost slipped and lost control of myself.

At one point an older male customer came in. I saw his arrival and knew how he always is around me. I prayed .. "Dear God, please don't let him be a disgusting flirt today." --- I'll tell ya.. the visit wasn't horrid but it wasn't what I asked for either.
He asked me if I still walk. "yes" He asked me if I still had my man fellow. "no"
He then asked me if I like older men. "well, I like Sean Connery. He's sexy." He laughed. "no, older men aren't something I normally look at. . my ex husband was 13 yrs older than me. He nearly ruined our entire world. So no.. I tend to shy away from a man that's more than 5 yrs older than me." (*the man knows the story.*)
A lovely story followed about how when he was a teen and his mother's choice in men & how he dealt w/ a .. "less than suitable choice" for a potential stepfather. It was gruesome. He had pride in his voice for his actions. I was glad he defended his family but that was about the 10th time I've heard that one. I wasn't impressed. It reminded me of my ex-husband.

He left. I was left.. with some in/out memories of the past. I even mentioned them a little later on at work, in the company of some co-workers. I hate it when I do that. **Shortly after that "Sweet Home Alabama" played on the radio. Another reminder of my ex.** One young man, whom I respect and think is one of the sweetest kids to work with, remarked "..I had no idea.. April, you deserve a really good man." Such a sweet kid. I didn't have the heart to tell him - I'm not sure what I deserve. So.. I went for the comic relief. I mentioned my stellar abilities to attract the wrong types: especially when I don't want them. I tried to laugh it off and affirm my capabilities of being strong enough to handle life w/out a man.

Today, I was also reminded that things come when you least expect it.
Trust me, I try to have no expectations. I've got a guilty confession. Last year I saved up and bought a dress: a gown. I bought it because it's perfect. It's "the dress" that I've dreamed of since I was a kid. The kind of dress that I'd love to get married in. I had to have it. STUPID STUPID STUPID.  Now, it's in a tote--sitting. I've thought about selling it. I just don't have the heart to do it. I wanted that dress. I worked hard to get it: overtime and everything. It's "my" dress.
Yes, I know - realistically I may NEVER wear it, NEVER have a use for it, NEVER do anything with it except try it on, enjoy the look of it & eventually someday to sell it.

I'm a stupid stupid woman. I bounce back and forth trying to decide - figure out whether I'm really ready for something that I've never been able to fully achieve.
I believe marriage should be forever. I've failed that 3 times. No, they weren't horrible men all the time and I did my own bad decision / behavior during those times. I'll take responsibility for those times.  I like to think I've learned a lot since then. I feel more ready /prepared now than ever.
I made a comment today to a friend, "Why would God grant me the knowledge I need to succeed if He isn't going to grant me the opportunity to use it?" I got the chance to reflect upon the timeline. My brother & his wife are coming up on their 10th wedding anniversary. I was married the same year they were. WOW! Most of that 10 yrs, I've been single.  The closest I've come to a real relationship lasted a year and he left me. . I'm not bitter. I'm not depressed. I'm not desperate to start internet dating or anything so drastic. I'm not every day pining away or feel the need for someone in my life..

I just get... B L A H !!!!

I was so heavily reminded today. . Spring is coming. I can tell. People are getting twitterpated. Remember the movie "Bambi" and how in the Spring everyone pairs up with a mate. Yeah. I saw that today. A LOT. I hate Spring. I detest the outpouring of public displays of affection. Don't get me wrong, it's allowed, it's wonderful, and I'm happy for them. I love seeing older couples still holding hands and taking care of each other: HOWEVER.. I don't like to be bombarded with it and fall victim to the pressure to do so myself.

It scares me. Every relationship I've ever had has never been strong enough to last.
There are days when I feel so angry with myself for wanting a relationship. There are days when I vow to turn down any man that dare ask me. There are days when I come home and feel grateful for the "ownership" of my own space. I return to just how I left it.

Then there are days when I feel stupid .  . lonely .  . and semi-depressed. I wonder if I'll ever know the joy of being a virtuous wife. A woman that's loved, honored, and worthy of sharing life with a man worthy of my loyalty and trust. I sometimes wonder if I haven't used up all my chances. It nearly breaks my heart. I have so much love that I feel God's building up in my heart for a man's companionship as a  life partner. . That final leap into a real relationship worthy of it all, as much as I sometimes desire it, scares every fiber in my being. I'm so afraid to go 100% because I've had to rebuild so many times.

I'm so STUPID. It just wrecks my mind when I get to thinking about things like this. I pray so hard that God's will be done - whatever it may be. Have faith that He's in control and that I'll know when He's made a decision that He needs me to accept.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I'm tired of being reminded of all the time that I've wasted.
I'm 34 yrs old now. There's been enough trials that I've learned quite a bit. I've changed a lot.
There's been a lot of time to heal the so-called wounds.
This morning, as the sun was rising and it was showing a glimmer of Spring's arrival, the radio was playing "Ready for Love" by Bad Company.
Am I ? Not sure.
I'd like to have the opportunity to try.
Who knows? ? Maybe Spring will not only prove of evidence of "twitterpation" of others.. but maybe I could be part of it as well.

*I won't hold my breath, but I'll keep my fingers crossed out of sight of everyone.

Regardless of the outcome of this Spring - - I am looking forward to it and I'm going to keep pushing forward as best as I can. Lord willing.