I have been so happy, feeling blessed and at peace w/ life & how things are in it. God has been so good and been comforting me every step of the way. The past week there have been some unfortunate disappointments. I think I faired rather well through them but I find myself feeling.. odd. I feel a little like.. well.. like I'm sitting on a plush pillow w/ a thumbtack sticking up through the fluff. Overall I'm still comfortable but there's this nagging pinch that just won't go away. I know God doesn't give us what we can't handle or learn from. So, I've been trying to look at what's happened -- the bigger picture.. what am I supposed to learn here?
A "friend" on Sat came to me - asked a favor. I did what was asked of me only to find out that he had USED me (once again!) This is a guy I dated 2 yrs back. He always tries to appear as a good friend but I've learned now that he is a TOTAL evil. Can't be trusted. EVER! again! I hate that. I know that a good Christian should give people the opportunity to reveal themselves as good and that forgiveness should be the key part of any friendship or relationship. However, how many times must a person get hurt & forgive before they realize that this person is NOT good for them?! NOT to be part of their life!? Well, I've reached that point. I'll no longer be played a fool.
On Monday - amongst the mix of waiting for other people to do their jobs so I could do mine - I got an email that was a reminder of how far behind I am w/ inventory at work. I've been busting my hump for that place. Trying to do EVERYTHING I can to catch up AND stay on top of what all my other responsibilities are. . It set me off. It shouldn't have, but it did. I honestly just.. snapped inside: felt completely useless. I think Satan saw his way to needle on me about it because I keep feeling like.. "hmm, maybe this isn't the job I should be doing? Maybe I should just wash my hands of all my efforts since they don't seem to make a difference or aren't good enough. Maybe I should just find another job where I won't make mistakes or get behind or be a major disappointment."
BIG MISTAKE !!! allowing myself to think those thoughts.. b/c it spread through all the other aspects of what has recently been the happiest I've ever been.. I was being too hard on myself. It's one of the traits of my being that I dislike the most. I get sensitive about things & I've been trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative. I had a moment of weakness and it just.. put a pinhole prick in my balloon of happiness... slowly deflating me.. like a slow leaking tire as you're rolling down the highway. I REFUSED TO CRY! I've come WAY too far and grown WAY too strong for that! Proud to say, I didn't cry. Felt like I was going to, but I didn't.
Next thing was.. got an email about Daniel not completing homework- like.. everyday! *sigh* Now we're cracking down and making sure NOTHING else gets done until that boy has his homework COMPLETE! It's a disappointment to find out that your child is struggling .. especially when you're under the impression they are doing well. His spirits have been good & he's been appearing as though he's been productive, organized, and getting his work done. *sigh* I'm so worried!! It's only going to get WORSE as he gets older. The work gets harder. I pray he finds the ability and courage to just.. get it done. Sometimes I just feel like screaming: "DO IT" !!! I know that won't solve anything. *sigh*I pray that eventually he won't need us standing over him every step of the way. I wish he LIKED getting his work done. Right now.. he sees the work & just GIVES UP! before he gets started. Saying "I'll never get done. It's impossible." Last night .. while helping him complete a 8 page Health packet -- I just kept praying over and over.. Dear Lord, Please..he needs this. He needs to have the drive to get it done. After a few questions it got really easy for him and I couldn't help but Thank God! ! for bringing the calm .. The accomplishment of getting it all complete.
Tues was a little better. I didn't sleep well so I got up & went to work EARLY! Did inventory by hand: paper, pencil & flashlight! No joke!! Then once the order reports were run, w/ the help of my co-worker, we just.. BLAM!!! got as much done as we could. HALF of a department... and YET.. I'm still not done w/ the one I was working on before *sigh* I ran a list of items in that area that I need to count, split it in half, gave one half to one co-worker & half to another. One co-worker returned their list to me w/ almost half of the items found & counted so I could just do a computer batch and get them done. The other co-worker returned the list with NOTHING done. *sigh* Nothing like making efforts to get ahead and end up going in circles. Ha! ya.. I ride a hamster wheel at work. I sweat my butt off, go as fast as I can.. but sometimes I just trip & the wheel keeps spinning and I'm just .. along for the ride. HA! HA!
Despite it all I still feel happy. I'm praying God returns the feeling of peace & happiness to me.. the great JOY in my heart of knowing MY SAVIOR has is all under control and life is meant to be lived and loved! I want my bubble of happiness back!!!
There's one more issue. . it's nothing major but it's something I think about a lot. God doesn't bring us what we want, but He brings us what we need. I'm feeling restrained. You see.. There's something that I think I want.. I feel God's pulling me towards it. I'm not sure I want to.. I don't want to run the risk of losing something that's been good, solid, and steady. I'm testing the waters a little bit, but trying to do so cautiously & w/ reserve. However, there are days when I just want to leap in w/ both feet b/c I sense that it could be the greatest thing ever---even though I'm afraid of it and not sure that it's 'set in stone' yet. I pray about it all the time. I ask God to bring me the wisdom I need. I know He's got a plan promised to me.. I just hope that while I'm waiting & listening that I don't freak out & do something harmful to that plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11,13
Lord, You know my life. You know the ups / downs / ins / outs . You know what I need & what I want. Help me to find the lessons You need me to learn to better serve You. Help me to grow and bloom where You've planted me. I will try my best b/c it's all I have. I love You Lord. I trust You. Amen.
Thursday, October 24
Thursday, October 17
Just a Thought...
After getting both kiddos to school this morning, I made my way to Sheetz for coffee & a breakfast burrito.. Sat at the computer, munching & slurping.. scrolling the FB newsfeed.. I saw this:
A person can learn a lot in a lifetime. I honestly can say w/out a shadow of a doubt that marriage scares me a little bit. I remember the love I used to feel for those men. I remember the happiness I thought we had. I also remember the lack of committment I felt. The lack of knowledge and understanding. I also respect marriage A LOT!! It's an awesome thing. It's a joyous event to marry someone. It's the ultimate sign that you're fully committed to someone. Do you need that ceremony, paper signed by a official, and the big hoop de do? nah.. but you definitely need to show it EVERYDAY in every way you can to your significant other and in your life.
Compassion - Compromise - and Commitment.. The 3 c's.. are probably the root of what marriage should be..
Compassion.. Have compassion for yourself & your significant other. They need to know you care, respect, and value them as a person & your spouse. You must be willing to have the PASSION to show them that you want them to be happy. Happy with LIFE! not just the relationship. . but happy w/ all aspects.
Compromise.. Give & take should be EQUAL amounts in any relationship. If any one side of those two becomes greater-- hard feelings can begin to fester and grow evil, malicious thoughts of feeling used or neglected. This can lead to rationalizing the making of stupid and rash decisions. Fear and anger are the 2 things of this world that cause the most rash and reckless decisions ever made for a person. Anger breeds revenge. Fear breeds panic & chaos. All these emotions/feelings cause un-clear thinking & the inability to take information in, process it properly, and make clear, logically, and rational decisions.
Commitment.. what does commitment mean? full 100% commitment is a decision. Are we committed because we have to? sometimes. . but 99% of the time commitment comes b/c we WANT to. . it's something that pleases us, something that we enjoy doing, and something that we know is right & good. For example.. being committed to our faith, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and our daily routines and activities.
If two people decide they want to get married.. there is some things they need to consider..
#1 -- Are they alike in principle beliefs? (for me, the Bible tells me not to be unequally yoked w/ someone) it's a good demonstrations.. imagine being an oxen in a yoke.. and if one doesn't want to go the same direction as the other.. what's going to happen?? um.. danger! injury! and stalemate!
#2 -- Are they alike in mind, passions, and hobbies? do you want the same things in life? They say opposites attract.. but I don't believe complete opposites can stay together. Just an example.. I'm an outgoing, talkative, outdoors gal.. I know that if I were w/ someone quiet, shy, and stayed indoors all the time.. it wouldn't last long. There has to be a common ground that both parties can come to in order for there to be something there to make it work. I don't see how it would work if there isn't something that two people can come together and enjoy doing. *here's where sex is dangerous* If the only common ground you have is sex.. well.. I have news for you.. That isn't going to work either! Sex w/out love & commitment is the WORST ! It will only carry you so long before you are LOOKING for a way out! The thinking of "the grass is greener on the other side" .. I've been there. I've seen it happen. It's NOT good!
#3 -- Does each individual have what it takes to full understand commitment? Are you able to fully understand that sometimes that will mean rough times are ahead and that you will have to do some pretty suck-tacular things in order to make it work? It's going to be EVERY DAY - FOREVER! Yes, things can change. Yes, people change. Yes, life happens. If you're fully committed to something - no matter what happens - you make it work. I keep thinking.. Jesus was committed by God from DAY 1!! of His life to die for us. He knew His work would only last so long physically on Earth. He knew that every day was a step towards that ultimate sacrifice. That is how we should live our lives. . carrying around the dedication of LIVING - to do what it takes of ourselves to be committed. Committed to life! If you've exhausted all ounces of your being on someone that isn't committed to you then what have you done? Just think about it. If the person you are contemplating marriage with is NOT as committed to the relationship.. where is it going to lead?
Just.. a.. thought..
It's amazing what trouble, turmoil, and time can do to a person. I know it's changed me. It continues to change me. I know if ever an opportunity for marriage came along.. It would be different. Divorce wouldn't be an option. "Til Death do us part" would be the only way.. and even then.. I'd rejoice.. b/c I know that if I went before he did.. I'd see him again in Heaven.. to dance in the glory of God.. reunited.
It makes me choke up to think it. . God's pretty awesome that way. <3
While, I agree w/ the love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship & faith part.. This does marriage NO justice!!! Marriage is much much more than a piece of paper!!!! Marriage should be a 110% committment! ! It should be a whole heart-ed agreed upon decision that isn't to be entered into lightly. Deciding to marry someone & say "oh well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce" is the WORST thing anyone could ever say/do! and if I hear "everyone else in the world does it that way-why should I feel badly if I do it" I feel SICK!!! SICK SICK SICK!!!!
And here's where you say.. "well, April.. aren't you one to talk? You've been married and divorced THREE times." Yes.. yes I have. Do you know why?? All three marriages were based on the WRONG REASONS!!! I entered them lightly and didn't understand what it really was about. First marriage I was young, "in love", and stupid. As we matured our priorities got messed up. We wanted different things. Neither of us loved each other enough to really fully understand each other or make it work. Neither of us were responsible or mature enough to take care of where our lives were heading. Both of us were making mistakes (**of the classic variety**) left & right. It was falling apart. Fell so much apart that the children now suffer -- not really knowing their father b/c he was too hurt to care AND I was too stubborn to let him continue to yank the children about w/ his childishness and bitterness. Second marriage, ha ha! from beginning to end we were only together about 9 months or so.. we are still friends. We've forgiven and moved on. Allowing for a friendship to be where it should have been.. Don't get me wrong. . I loved him. Part of me still has a degree of love for him but it's a BLANKET covering his wife and two children too! That's how it is. Third husband.. well.. he may never forgive me nor his friends.. for what they think I did. However, I'm as much a victim (to a certain degree) as my daughter was in that relationship. EVERYONE suffered from that relationship. DISASTER!!! It was fun - when times were good - I loved him w/ a determined amount of love b/c I refused to see failure. He's where he is for a reason & the lessons we all learned from that experience are forever burned in our memories. May God protect us that it never happen again. That divorce was one I wished I had done faster. I took my time w/ it b/c I really didn't want trouble. That was final in 2009. That was 4 yrs ago. I've forgiven him, the mistakes, and myself for allowing me to be so brainwashed/stubborn that I'd been so blind. .
And here's where you say.. "well, April.. aren't you one to talk? You've been married and divorced THREE times." Yes.. yes I have. Do you know why?? All three marriages were based on the WRONG REASONS!!! I entered them lightly and didn't understand what it really was about. First marriage I was young, "in love", and stupid. As we matured our priorities got messed up. We wanted different things. Neither of us loved each other enough to really fully understand each other or make it work. Neither of us were responsible or mature enough to take care of where our lives were heading. Both of us were making mistakes (**of the classic variety**) left & right. It was falling apart. Fell so much apart that the children now suffer -- not really knowing their father b/c he was too hurt to care AND I was too stubborn to let him continue to yank the children about w/ his childishness and bitterness. Second marriage, ha ha! from beginning to end we were only together about 9 months or so.. we are still friends. We've forgiven and moved on. Allowing for a friendship to be where it should have been.. Don't get me wrong. . I loved him. Part of me still has a degree of love for him but it's a BLANKET covering his wife and two children too! That's how it is. Third husband.. well.. he may never forgive me nor his friends.. for what they think I did. However, I'm as much a victim (to a certain degree) as my daughter was in that relationship. EVERYONE suffered from that relationship. DISASTER!!! It was fun - when times were good - I loved him w/ a determined amount of love b/c I refused to see failure. He's where he is for a reason & the lessons we all learned from that experience are forever burned in our memories. May God protect us that it never happen again. That divorce was one I wished I had done faster. I took my time w/ it b/c I really didn't want trouble. That was final in 2009. That was 4 yrs ago. I've forgiven him, the mistakes, and myself for allowing me to be so brainwashed/stubborn that I'd been so blind. .
A person can learn a lot in a lifetime. I honestly can say w/out a shadow of a doubt that marriage scares me a little bit. I remember the love I used to feel for those men. I remember the happiness I thought we had. I also remember the lack of committment I felt. The lack of knowledge and understanding. I also respect marriage A LOT!! It's an awesome thing. It's a joyous event to marry someone. It's the ultimate sign that you're fully committed to someone. Do you need that ceremony, paper signed by a official, and the big hoop de do? nah.. but you definitely need to show it EVERYDAY in every way you can to your significant other and in your life.
Compassion - Compromise - and Commitment.. The 3 c's.. are probably the root of what marriage should be..
Compassion.. Have compassion for yourself & your significant other. They need to know you care, respect, and value them as a person & your spouse. You must be willing to have the PASSION to show them that you want them to be happy. Happy with LIFE! not just the relationship. . but happy w/ all aspects.
Compromise.. Give & take should be EQUAL amounts in any relationship. If any one side of those two becomes greater-- hard feelings can begin to fester and grow evil, malicious thoughts of feeling used or neglected. This can lead to rationalizing the making of stupid and rash decisions. Fear and anger are the 2 things of this world that cause the most rash and reckless decisions ever made for a person. Anger breeds revenge. Fear breeds panic & chaos. All these emotions/feelings cause un-clear thinking & the inability to take information in, process it properly, and make clear, logically, and rational decisions.
Commitment.. what does commitment mean? full 100% commitment is a decision. Are we committed because we have to? sometimes. . but 99% of the time commitment comes b/c we WANT to. . it's something that pleases us, something that we enjoy doing, and something that we know is right & good. For example.. being committed to our faith, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and our daily routines and activities.
If two people decide they want to get married.. there is some things they need to consider..
#1 -- Are they alike in principle beliefs? (for me, the Bible tells me not to be unequally yoked w/ someone) it's a good demonstrations.. imagine being an oxen in a yoke.. and if one doesn't want to go the same direction as the other.. what's going to happen?? um.. danger! injury! and stalemate!
#2 -- Are they alike in mind, passions, and hobbies? do you want the same things in life? They say opposites attract.. but I don't believe complete opposites can stay together. Just an example.. I'm an outgoing, talkative, outdoors gal.. I know that if I were w/ someone quiet, shy, and stayed indoors all the time.. it wouldn't last long. There has to be a common ground that both parties can come to in order for there to be something there to make it work. I don't see how it would work if there isn't something that two people can come together and enjoy doing. *here's where sex is dangerous* If the only common ground you have is sex.. well.. I have news for you.. That isn't going to work either! Sex w/out love & commitment is the WORST ! It will only carry you so long before you are LOOKING for a way out! The thinking of "the grass is greener on the other side" .. I've been there. I've seen it happen. It's NOT good!
#3 -- Does each individual have what it takes to full understand commitment? Are you able to fully understand that sometimes that will mean rough times are ahead and that you will have to do some pretty suck-tacular things in order to make it work? It's going to be EVERY DAY - FOREVER! Yes, things can change. Yes, people change. Yes, life happens. If you're fully committed to something - no matter what happens - you make it work. I keep thinking.. Jesus was committed by God from DAY 1!! of His life to die for us. He knew His work would only last so long physically on Earth. He knew that every day was a step towards that ultimate sacrifice. That is how we should live our lives. . carrying around the dedication of LIVING - to do what it takes of ourselves to be committed. Committed to life! If you've exhausted all ounces of your being on someone that isn't committed to you then what have you done? Just think about it. If the person you are contemplating marriage with is NOT as committed to the relationship.. where is it going to lead?
Just.. a.. thought..
It's amazing what trouble, turmoil, and time can do to a person. I know it's changed me. It continues to change me. I know if ever an opportunity for marriage came along.. It would be different. Divorce wouldn't be an option. "Til Death do us part" would be the only way.. and even then.. I'd rejoice.. b/c I know that if I went before he did.. I'd see him again in Heaven.. to dance in the glory of God.. reunited.
It makes me choke up to think it. . God's pretty awesome that way. <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)