Catching Up & Loving Life

Well, I am ashamed. Writing hasn't been a priority the past week or two. Holidays are upon us and once Thanksgiving rolled around I became Santa's "Momma Elf" around here. Thanks to a good friend with a truck we didn't have to carry our tree home. He also helped stand it up, trim it just right, and even put the lights on it. I was overly excited. We were going to make applesauce/cinnamon ornaments and etc etc.. and I wanted everything to go smoothly...etc etc.. (Momma Elf syndrome!)  I know that nothing ever does so I was praying for self-control. (it's a daily prayer for me- I want to be slow to anger & let worries/frustrations not bother me so much. I hate when I feel sad, mad, or stressed. I pray God helps me cope with those three things the most.) I failed 3 or 4 times at stringing those lights. At that point I strung the lights so miserably (again) that my friend gently puts his hands on my shoulders, turns me from the tree, sat me on the recliner, SAID NOTHING AT ALL and took off my dis-functional light stringing and strung it himself. It was so beautiful and perfect when he was finished!! I had no words. We had a good laugh about it & it was awesome!  **this may be one of the very first times EVER in the history that is my life that someone (particularly a man) was able to actually handle me / my frustrations / stubborn determination & do something constructive about it without setting my temper to flare** Seriously, those of you that really KNOW me & my journey & interactions with men - you know what a big deal this really is.



Later that evening we struck forth with the making of ornaments. HA HA! Pinterest is an awesome internet resource, but I failed miserably at that applesauce & cinnamon recipe. It would NOT form dough. It was gloppy, sticky goop. Out of sheer silliness & one last ditch effort - I baked a few globs and we all had a good laugh at our glittery cinnamon scented reindeer poop. It was hilarious! It's always a good time with so many laughs when we're all together. I am so grateful for those moments of fun & laughter. Really makes me feel like "home" like we're doing more than just surviving life.. that we're actually living it. I've grown rather fond of these times. Some days I crave them. It's a feeling I keep praying about because I don't know what to do about it. There are just some days that I honestly feel myself slipping into what I call .. "family mode" and I want them to be there. I feel they belong there as part of the adventures - whatever they may be. I really don't care what others think - my friend & his son & his mom are like family to me.  When God told me "strike up a friendship" - that is all I expected. A true friendship. Praise God that is what we have: open, honest friendship. It's truly a blessing. I know God brought our families together for a reason. I am so thankful - grateful - happy: beyond words. I pray that things continue to be happy, joyous, and our times together be pleasant and froth w/ fun & adventure. I don't have to pray for laughter because that's always a guarantee! :)

So, "Momma Elf" gets to back to decorating. I wanted homemade, natural, and simple. HA! Salt dough ornaments went sooooo much better for me. I begged the kids to help but they were "too busy". So.. I set to it. I made a good selection of hearts, bells, trees, stars, and the 2nd batch I put coloring in. Lily did help with the 2nd batch a little. On our tree words are spelled out : MERRY, JOY, NOEL, PEACE and everyone has their name hanging on it too: including our friends. Heck, I found embroidered stocking for our friends (names spelled correctly & everything!) at the Savings Store here in town so they'll have stockings too at our house this year. If I find ones like that with our names on it - I will buy & hang those too. Truth be told I'd love to have 2 sets of stockings. One under the tree for gifts (that are personable: like my Betty Boop one) & one to hang just for merely show (the traditional ones w/ our names on them).  Seriously ! I need help. ha ha! Christmas is my favorite holiday of the entire year.

God has been so awesomely good. I absolutely do my best to stop myself from being negative, down, or stressed. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday. Why? It's the birth of Jesus. It sparks the beginning of the journey that was Jesus & His life & the events that led up to His ultimate sacrifice - the TRUE power and knowledge of what His purpose is / was / will be forever. The power that is from the manager to the cross is absolutely INCREDIBLE.  The flesh of God walked the Earth - mingled with the people - performed miracles - included 12 incredible men each for their own purpose - the whole time knowing He was going to die for people that didn't know Him, didn't love Him, and refused Him. Talk about an adventurous life! Truly! Awesome! I absolutely LOVE Christmas!! It renews me. It's refreshes the hope & faith that my life, your life, ANYONE'S life and the adventures, ups/downs, ins/outs, the good AND the bad can become a POWERFUL testimony for our Lord and His mighty mercy, power and glory. <3

Matthew 5:14-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

So, now that I've gotten you caught up, entertained, and even preached a little - I'm going to sit, relax, and enjoy the Sunday God's blessed us with today. Kids are sleeping - I've got a roaring fireplace (on Netflix) and a handful of Christmas DVDs. There's NO telling what I might get into ;)
Love & Joy to you all <3

Confidence Waivering

I'm feeling weak & vulnerable. My confidence & self esteem has been waning. I don't feel like the "good woman" people claim I am.  I feel troubled and like I'm not doing things that are helpful. Work has been busy with overtime, which I'm grateful. Every morning I wake up - get to work - and do my best. I get home, make supper and do my best to keep ahead of dishes and laundry. Then I fall asleep praying for the people around me. I often times wish I had more time, more money, and more ways to help people, but between work and bills I barely have had enough time for my own things - let alone trying to make time for others. It's terrible. I know. I can't fix that. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for the tasks being presented to me. I get confused. I get frustrated. It hurts me. It really does!

On the flip side, I can't express to you how genuinely happy I truly am! I really feel joy & happiness in the way life is going right now. There are some times I can't shake the feeling of wanting something more. Something different. I picture things - let my mind drift a little - and then I end up getting confused or sad or feel angry with myself for being so selfish and feel stupid. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for God to help me not to want things- to stop dreaming up unrealistic hopes. I dislike when I feel like I want something I can't have. It makes me feel like a rotten servant of God, like I'm selfish, and shouldn't deserve it. I know God is good & life is meant to be lived well. I know that is so because I have a good stable job, decent co-workers, the best family, and a few awesome friends that I'd really miss if they weren't there. I am very grateful for that! ! I've worked very hard and endured many things to maintain, with God working through me. I honestly can't be sure what / if any changes are coming. Maybe I'm just to continue where I am, with what I have, and just keep doing what I'm doing.  My emotions sometimes get the best of me and cause me to blurt out things that I probably shouldn't .. I pray for forgiveness for that. I really am trying my best to be the best me I can be with out the hassle of drama, negativity, and strife. I really don't want to be a burden. I want to be an example of faith, love, and happiness-- REGARDLESS of what happens in my life: good or bad. I will praise Him, pray to Him, and let Him have the control.

I hate it when people talk to me because they feel obligated-like "oh I better say something or she'll feel bad." Honestly, if you don't want to talk to me - tell me that. One thing I can't stand is someone that says "call me, text me, or you can talk to me" but when you reach out them - gets huffy or treats you like a burden. Speaks only enough to get the conversation over. It actually hurts more than if they'd just say "I really can't talk right now or I have enough going on, please it wouldn't be fair for me to try to listen right now."  It's called communication. If you don't want to hear from me for a few days - tell me! I'll respect that. I may not understand it, but I'll respect it.

Another thing this week--> It drives me nuts when people only talk to me because they want something from me: my time, my money, or a question about some dramatic situation. (*which for the most part I've been doing pretty good steering clear of the drama queens in my life. Wish I could say the same for others.*) I know Facebook is part of my ministry but this week I wanted to delete it. I get so sick of the garbage people put each other through PUBLICLY on Facebook. It's incredible. I feel so bad for them. I pray for them. I try not to post negativity, get involved in drama or caps lock battles. It is sometimes very hard to refrain from speaking my mind. I think it boils down to respect. I respect myself too much to ALLOW myself to fall victim to someone's overwhelming inability for self-control. There were times when I fell victim to that. . last few years. . not so much. I pray God grant me the self-control and be slow to anger. It's always going to be a work in progress but it's worth it.


So that's where I am. God help me. I get "strange".. and want to hermit myself away.
I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute.
Still clinging to my Jesus & His saving grace <3