Expectation:
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
I absolutely hate expectations. Hate may be a strong word, but I have a severe disliking for expectations. Having certain expectations can lead to very real disappointments. Over the past few years, I've been trying to practice NOT having any expectations or very little expectations. Yes, I realize that this may be a little pathetic, but it has proven to work many, MANY times over. The only expectation I consistently believe is that whatever mess I make of my life God can and will fix it; as long as I believe/ask Him to make it right and that if I continue to believe, repent, and serve, I'll have eternal life in Heaven.
Recently, I watched a person's expectations be crushed. The tremendous disappointment in her life was nearly unbearable to watch. I remember being in an emotional place similar to her situation. I remember the sting that it left. I now know the reason why it happened that way, but that was a good 10 years or so ago. I've had time for that wound to heal. It was heart breaking to witness. I felt helpless.
**In my mind**
I honestly didn't have the heart to tell her that from my experience in life it's hard to expect things to go how you plan, think, or hope they will happen. I know that sounds a little horrible, but honestly, it's my experience. The person I am today would NOT expect that situation to happen to me again. I personally took a vow to myself that I would NOT allow it to happen again. Not even by chance.. Sometimes, I wonder when people are given warnings on what to expect.. WHY? do they not listen ?!!! A lot of hurt & disappointment & emotional angst could be spared. Seriously! I guess faith plays a lot into that. If you're feeling compelled by God to try something then I guess you better give it your best effort and expect something to happen. Just be prepared when it doesn't happen the way you want it to.
Every one person has their own ideas of what to expect out of people and things around them. Each idea or expectation is come about based on personal experience specialized to each situation. Sometimes we get disappointed because our expectations have been set too high or unrealistic that it's nearly pointless for a person to even try to live up to them.
I was shocked this week. I was informed that a highly respectable, trustworthy, and upstanding person was quoted that they "think highly of me." Honestly, I was BLOWN AWAY!!! I didn't know what to say. This opinion of me what NOT what I would have imagined. I wanted to know why?! Just what is so special about me that I was mentioned ? This is a new concept to me. I hardly ever get recognized for something GOOD! I like praise but I also fear it. I tried to control my shock and any emotion attached to hearing this information. Emotion leads to over-thinking or the potential for putting pressure on myself to try to "live up" to this newly found expectation. Ack! makes me nervous!!!!
(*this is where the inspiration came for this particular piece of writing*)
I honestly didn't expect that. I had NO CLUE that this person even thought about me at all, let alone to "think highly of me" and value my contributions. W H A T ??!!!! Gosh! So, of course, I started thinking about what expectations might be asked of me in the future. . what expectations do I have for my future?
**spiral**spiral**spiral** I'm out of my head!**I'm out of my comfort zone**panic!!!**danger!!!**
If someone were to ask me: "what are your expectations of your future?"
My reply, "I haven't a clue. I have no real expectations."
Here's just a few thoughts...
It would be nice if both my kids can graduate from high school & go onto college. Find jobs and be successful in everything they do.
It would be nice to advance at my job or find a 2nd job that helps fill in the gaps of my financial issues.
It would be nice to own a vehicle again.
It would be nice to own a house or a cabin of my own.
It would be nice to find "the one", be married, and finally "get it right".
DO I EXPECT ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN????
The real answer is no. (*head*)
The alternative answer is yes. (*heart*)
I do not expect them to happen. I hope/pray that they do (particularly the one regarding my children) but I do NOT anticipate or expect that they'll actually happen, especially in a way that is normal or absolute. I guess to think this way it sets me up for less disappointment. I guess, I'd rather be surprised that something wonderful has happened rather than disappointed that something that I greatly expected didn't happen. This makes sense to me. This feels real to me. God help me, but this is where I am. Makes me a little sad to think I have to think this way but it's my comfort zone. The boundaries are rattling but they've not broken yet. *whew* safe.. ahhhh..
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