Rough Week / God Speaks

Yes, it's been a rough week already and it's only Tuesday. *sigh*
On Sunday evening, my teenage daughter did something that shocked me to the core. I felt so horrible and was overwhelmed with fear, worry, disappointment and terrible anger. 
I spent 85% of Sunday night just crying, praying, and staring at the ceiling of the room.  That issue is yet to be resolved completely, however, I am feeling much better today about it. I'm not going into detail but my 13 yr old is probably going to give me an ulcer from the stress I feel. I felt depressed. I immediately felt horrible sadness and cried. **side note. I HATE CRYING. Seriously, I take it as a weakness. I hate it. **

Monday was a blur.. I numbly walked through my day at work, wondering about things, praying, and just "maintaining". I kept my emotions and thoughts in check as best I could. Tried to pull out of the 'funk' I was feeling.

Suddenly, it's Tuesday. . what?
This morning, I was already at work when I had something come to me.. it went like this..

"Why must we toll to prove our worth? Why do we have to appear as though we're stressed and over worked in order to be of value of appreciation, praise, and blessing? " I was reminded of a passage in John 15(NIV)

1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^a so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

I thought about the analogy of using a fruit tree for this.  Now why would God use a tree for an analogy about people? I like trees. They're an awesome reminder for me of how mighty God really is. An acorn eventually grows into a huge oak if you leave it alone and in the right conditions and let it do what God intended it to do.... Hmm.. ohhh.. Lord.. there's something in that. .

So, here's where my head started wrapping around this .. Now, I could be totally & completely wrong here so - I'm just putting this out there in case I've got something here..

Ok.. if I'm a tree. . say.. a lemon tree.. I'm going to produce fruit w/ the right circumstances- no matter what. I'm doing what is intended, naturally to happen. Ok.  Naturally, I reflect on my surroundings. My family, my home, my job, and my co-workers. What kind of fruit am I producing? Do they trust me? Do they see me as an example of good or bad? Why do I continue to have trouble w/ things if I'm producing good fruit? Why are my struggles the same? I've been doing my best, working really hard, making sure I haven't done anything unworthy and why does it feel like I'm still not naturally producing good fruit??? Why do I feel like I have to prove that I'm good? That I've changed? That I'm a godly woman that loves life and wants the best for people around her ? Do my children reflect the changes that I've made?
*I almost got depressed at that question to myself. * I still struggle w/ feeling terribly about how rough I sometimes was around my children. I didn't show them properly how to handle life, how to rely on God, and believe.. I truly strive to make up for that now. **


a song came to me..
Days are filled with sorrow and care,
Hearts are lonely and drear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Refrain:
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Calvary, Calvary;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Cast your care on Jesus today,
Leave your worry and fear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Troubled soul, the Saviour can see
Ev'ry heartache and tear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Not long after that, I was distracted by work things and focused my attention upon it. Meanwhile, I was feeling a little better than Monday - for sure ! ! Working at where I am I have made many friends from within the community, for different reasons. Today - - was a God speak day. MOST of my day I was placed in opportunities to either listen or LISTEN or L I S T E N !!! and most assuredly learn.

I was sharing some of the 'troubles' we've seen in my 13 yr old daughter with the intentions of remembering her in prayer.. I got a little upset b/c I was flooded w/ feelings again.. I didn't cry but I felt like it. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm reminded of my crazy Grandmother who lived her whole life lying so badly and believing her own lies to manipulate AND I'm not even sure she was fully aware she did it. She was messed up! I was sure that dealing w/ that kind of behavior died & was buried along w/ her. I was trying to be a little humorous while speaking about it to mask my feelings.

***what happens next is truly the most amazing thing**

He let me have it!

I witnessed the power of God speaking through my friend -  WITHOUT a doubt!
The words just flowed out of him like water down a mountain. SERIOUSLY!
You want to talk about good fruit from a good tree?! This guy's the real deal.


The message was this:::

DO NOT DOUBT YOUR GOD. If you're going to give Him EVERYTHING and that means EVERYTHING --> we must NEVER doubt His control.  Normally, folks are so willing to pray when they've given up hope, exhausted everything of their own accord, and putting their faith into God's hands LAST. I need to remember to do that FIRST! He is the Alpha AND the Omega. . ok?! So.. let's get together on this.. Even our children.. Yes, I gave birth to them, but it was GOD who has really given them life so.. why shouldn't I let Him really have them ? The troubles that I'm having w/ my daughter.. that's minor. God is much greater than any of it. She is His daughter too. Let Him correct her. I should be thankful for every moment He allows me to have as her mother and do everything I can to do that HIS way.

Again, one of my favorite verses comes in here:


Proverbs 3:5-6(NKJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^[a] your paths.

I had a moment of absolutely weak in the knees revelation. REVIVAL.
Internally, I cried out to God and asked forgiveness for being so stupid. Thanked Him for another lesson learned. Opened my eyes and my heart to what He wanted me to understand.

Not long afterwards, I felt so much better.
Whether I bear good fruit or not - I do not know. I'm still just a growing tree, doing what I was intended to do, surrounded by God's love and guidance.. Just a little more focus, faith and belief on my part.. and ASSUREDLY everything will be alright. I believe it.
I don't hope it. . I BELIEVE IT!!!