While we wait...

I am an open book. Most people that know me - know that I'm not one to hold back. Yes, over the years I have been more cautious by what I tell folks and more selective of the folks I tell certain things.

However, today - I'm going to through caution to the wind and let a few things loose.

God knows I've been trying to just give it all to Him. I keep waiting for some answers that I sometimes don't know will ever be answered. I've been doing some research, trying to keep busy, and listening.
I'm having a really rough time feeling at peace right now. I'm so restless it's incredible.
Everything around me is stable. I feel pressured to be content, calm, and still.  I don't want to be. I want to be excited, enthusiastic, and wildly passionate.

I've seen pictures of friends going out to do things, getting their hair done, and skiing, etc.. FUN!
I scroll through my phone- clinging to the few pictures I have of some adventures from the last few months. Brief moments of sheer happiness- amongst the normal hum/drum of life.

Last night, as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling (where the fishing rods are stored), I almost started crying. Honestly. I crave the outdoors. It's getting bad. I love it so much.

I keep thinking, "ok, if I'm not supposed to have a man in my life, not supposed to have money or a vehicle, or a house of my own or all those things that people continue to HOUND me with reminders of their so-called importance and bringing of (supposed) happiness ... Just what is left?! Be happy with work = done. Be happy with children = done. Be happy with "life" = done. So.. what's left to bring me excitement??? Something different that causes my heart to beat a little faster in sheer joy?!

Dear God. . Please allow me to have the outdoors.  Last weekend, after a horrible experience at the Expo - -I was ready to just hang it all up. Say forget it. It's not worth it. I was being selfish for considering the outdoors as a lifestyle instead of a hobby. I was dying on the inside.. but if that's what God wanted.. I'd do it. I struggled with this for a few days. I was thinking that my days of enjoying the outdoors were over. Anything that I were passionate about was undeserving. I almost had a bonfire of my pallets, the items I made out of them, and anything connected to the outdoors. Seriously. I was that upset. I almost burned it all. Throw it all away. Be done.

I didn't do it. I chickened out. I prayed for God to calm me. Prayed for His answer.
So.. I did nothing. Swallowed the pill and just.. well.. here I am.

Honestly.. If I could, I'd buy a tent, a shotgun, a pistol, and a good knife, pack up my fishing rod and my cast iron and head for a hill side and just.. do it. Live off the land--completely. So, I'd go hungry a day or two. Who cares? Right?!! To me it sounds absolutely fabulous.

Then .. I get depressed. I'm a social person. It would probably only take a day or two of being completely alone like that before I got really bored. I'd probably start talking to myself. . or worse.. try to trap a wild animal and keep it as a pet. LOL ! get rabies and die. . frothing at the mouth.. horrible.. then some poor animal would come along and eat me, get rabies.. and that horrible vicious cycle just continues. Danggit. :( that makes me sad.

So, I guess I better start thinking a little deeper. . Keep calm and wait.

In the meantime, I'm climbing the walls inside while trying to maintain an outwardly calm, cool, and collected appearance.
I am doing my level best to just ... maintain and wait.