Full Moons.. *sigh*

So.... yesterday I saw 'him'. Twice. I never would have guessed that this would be like this.. he said he's not ready for a relationship and just quit talking to me. I guess maybe I should get over it.. move on.. and I'm fighting the idea that he's not into me anymore because he's found someone else. IDK.. I don't want to be that kind of woman. Anyway.. so.. emotions welled up inside me, heart was POUNDING! and I just couldn't help but release it.. right there.. at work.. *sigh* silly me.

So I came home and FINALLY got to cleaning. NOOOO I mean CLEANING! I took a bucket, a rag, and some lovely febreze infused Mr. Clean AND!!!! scrubbed down walls, moved furniture, wiped it all down.. and re-arranged the living room and dining room. ahhh that feels better..

Not really.. I couldn't sleep very well last night.. stupid full moons.. I love them, especially when it's cold out like last night .. BEAUTIFUL & when you breath in the CRISP air almost cuts your lungs.. LOVE IT!!! I can't help but wonder and ask .. God.. I'm swamped with praying for others everyday.. and thanks to the experience of dating someone, liking them, and getting .. well.. ditched.. I'm just curious where it is You want me to go and do next?!

Should I revert to the thinking that I don't deserve a relationship?
Should I consider dating & relationships to be a distraction?
Should I find forget about it forever?

you see.. I'm the kind of person that gets filled with curiosity and when things are left unanswered I get... 'funny'.. I get.. silly.. and I start running around hap-hazard.. basically like a chicken w/ its head cut off. I don't know what to do so I just busy myself with so much other things that I think I won't run into the same kind of issue again. LIKE: cleaning my house, ignoring my phone, facebook, and thinking of taking a job in a office cubicle where I don't have to talk to or see ppl ever again.

I know that some of my friends like to say things like...

"there is someone out there pining for you just as much as you are pining for him."
"Your time will come and you will have a love like you've never known."
"you deserve so much better & it will come. You just need to keep waiting."

etc etc etc etc etc...

Well.. I hate to say it.. but let's get real here. Those things are FED into us via cheesy stupid romance movies (which I love) and we just EAT IT UP! Men know exactly what to say to us to get us hooked and then WHAMM~O!! their true selves are revealed and they just don't think or care the same way we do. NEVER will any mortal man live up to the standards of LOVING, PROVIDING, CARING, FORGIVING, and EVERYTHING ELSE as my Jesus does. He's all I need. AND if He is all I have for the rest of my life, then I know I've been taken care of by the B E S T !

So.. I'm back to where I started.. but it's a NEW YEAR so.. anything can happen. I'm excited for the changes happening in other's lives.. friends are getting married, having babies, and moving to bigger and better homes, jobs, and more.. I'm proud of them, HAPPY for them, and wish them the BEST (and will continue to PRAY for them) as I have done so from the start...

so.. for the "don't you think you deserve to share in the excitement for that kind of happiness too?" question

I only have one reply::::::

"Eh, I really don't know about that.. God will provide for me if HE thinks I need it. In the meantime, I'm happy with what He brings into my life and sharing the joys of others is just fine with me."

Hearts

So.. I've been mulling a few things over in my mind the past few days. I couldn't get the right words, feelings, emotions, and make sense of anything enough to blog.. So.. today - it finally came to me...

Yesterday, while on a break, I was outside (*smoking - I know. I need to quit*) and in the beautiful blue sky was a puffy white cloud.. in the shape of a heart  

Symbol of love floating by

After a long day at work - and the full moon in FULL swing! *effecting everyone's attitudes & the innuendos were flying ALL over the place* my heart was so heavy & I truly felt lonely. Lonelier than I've ever felt in the past 6 years. *AND that says alot!* I knew God was with me & that my relationship with Him has grown stronger & that I rely on Him for everything & He supplies what I need - when I need it. I honestly felt like crying out to Him "DEAR GOD, PLEASE BRING SOMEONE INTO MY LIFE." (*looking at this now I feel so silly! I have many great friends and a very loving family. I shouldn't feel lonely at all.*It's just not the same as sharing your life with someone- even if it's just dating, etc*) So last night before going to bed - a realization came over me. I know internally I have been hoping that God would shine down on my male companionship issues. I really started to believe that with everything I've gone through, survived, and learned from that God was telling me to forget about it. Give up hope on ever feeling TRUE love & trust for a man again. Depression lives there - feeling sorry for myself and feeling stupid for wasting those years on the ones that didn't work out - I started to analyze it inside myself - "maybe I'm not ready." - "maybe I'm not good enough for the one He's got picked out for me" - "it's better to be without than date the wrong one." etc etc blah blah blah blah *sigh* ENOUGH!!!!  I actually spoke these words - "Hello God. I know you're just as tired of this issue as I am. I'm beyond sick of it - - I ask if you could quiet my mind - clarify it - make it crystal clear what YOUR will for me is. I admit I feel lonely, jealous, and sometimes angered by my friends & family that are successful in love. I ask for YOUR forgiveness. Please Lord, my heart is longing for something like I've never had before - in the best sense. I'm tired of feeling so guarded in my heart, afraid to open it up to people, and worry about who to trust & who not to trust - and the uncertainty of whether I'm ever going to be able to love again and be loved in return. I know that You know best for me & I ask You to OPEN my heart & allow me to see the positives instead of the negatives. I know that if I never find love again here on Earth - I will still love YOU! You are the one that holds my entire heart and if You don't want me to share it with anyone - I accept that. In Your Holy Name - Amen"

Last night, I had the STRANGEST of dreams. All my co-workers were in it - - I felt all warm & fuzzy and believe it or not I was actually in bed (*at my parents! HA HA*) and I was so full of laughter when I woke up - - in the dream my one co-worker was dressed in a WHITE RABBIT costume and hopped back & forth in front of the door of the bedroom where I was laying in - - saying "look at me, I'm ^insert other co-workers name here^!" I woke up laughing.  As I walked across the alley to work, I started to feel tired... and a much more solemn feeling came over me. I started my work day like usual. Thanks to circumstances, I had an entire day where I could plug myself into inventory. *snooze* boring! *sigh* HOWEVER, in order to break up the boredom I was playing the satellite radio through the phone in the office.. EVERY time I was sitting in there - a song was playing on the radio that spoke to me - -


I Told You So by Carrie Underwood
You Need A Man Around Here by Brad Paisley
(this one cracks me up! it's how I feel sometimes that I need a man... )
Why Don't We Just Dance by Josh Turner
(because I'm a hopeless romantic - and that's the kind of man I would be interested in having-spontaneous)
Somewhere With You ??
(another hopeless romantic tune)
Got Whatever It Is by Zac Brown Band
I'll Be Just Fine ??
(about being fine w/out a man. picking up the pieces and starting over. Something I've done several times and would not care to do again.)
Someone Else Is Calling You Baby - ?
(again- finding love again? - and seeing it happen for an ex.(*which I did this week. I can't believe he is doing all the things he told me where DUMB and that he NEVER wanted to do again with someone. Amazing how meeting the right person can change someone's opinion on things?!*)
Lover, Lover ??
(another you've done me wrong song)
Didn't You Know - ??
(didn't you know how much I loved you? for the ones that I wanted to tell I have had a crush on them and didn't - -*sigh*)
Don't Think I Can't Love You - ??
(because I know that issue will come up - I know I'm ready to find love again if possible)
Would You Go With Me - ??
(would I go with you? yea - where are we going?! LOL)
Don't Ya Wanna Stay Awhile- ?
(many times I've asked - in hopes of 'yes I will stay awhile' and the hope that friendship turns to romance.. sadly for me.. it never did.)
Strange - Reba McEntire
(because it is strange.. after being with someone.. that empty feeling & the break in routine)
Making Me Fall In Love Again
(I don't know who it's by - but I plan on finding out. This one was the hardest one to take. **If I met the right someone - they would help me fall gracefully into love with them. right time, right place, right person.** WOW!!!)

This has been a heavy subject ALL week. I saw a good friend & regular customer. He approached me AGAIN with a situation (involving the potential for romance) with a relative of his. I told him that I stopped working & worrying on it.. His face was sad. He said, "there's no excuse for that." and I smiled and told him that I'll think about it. I finally came to grips with my inner most thoughts - whether I lose weight or not makes no difference - it's the kind of person I am that a man should be attracted to. So I took a good look at myself, my hobbies, my likes & dislikes.. and I found no reason why - with God's blessing - I couldn't find love somewhere along the line. Just this week- an old 'flame' - was posting pics on FB of him & his new girlfriend & how 'in love' they are - - felt a sting (*even though I know now that seeing him was not my best idea*) that he was doing all those things I thought were great (*which he belittled & refused to do with me*). I wish him luck. I hope it works out. *grumble grumble grumble* I have to stop that. It is nice that his life has turned around and that he is happy & can freely be in a relationship with someone. *grumble grumble grumble*  Then there was the number of people that were celebrating anniversaries - announcing new loves - and etc etc.  Several posts on Facebook appeared that dealt with matters of the heart. I was surrounded in it!! YIKES!

I'd like to think that this situation is coming to a close. I feel more at peace with this than ever. I'm still a little lonely & *God forgive me*  a little worried.. I stress out over feeling like I'm un-loveable. It is upsetting. I know God is in control and that *IF IT'S HIS WILL* it will happen...

Even tonight - - I received a text (a forwarded one) from a friend... and it reads...

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp He is not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better." - - and I thought - - Well.. for every year I've been single and waiting - - IF He brings a man into my life - - he is going to be SPECTACULAR! and I can't wait to meet him.


 

No Ambition & Mixed Emotions

Today began with confusion and ended w/ depression, sadness, and confusion.

Walked the kids to school today - even though B98.3 said there wasn't any?! It was confusing. Took Lily to the nurses office and of course she found a few eggs on her head and wouldn't let her back to class. *sigh* So I brought Lily home, picked her head and she & I settled in for tv and relaxation. I called the nurse to see if I could bring her back and she said no. I had spoken to a secretary in the office to see if Lily's teachers could get some work together for her to do over the weekend so she can catch up. That didn't happen and I'm not terribly surprised though.

Good news! Denise was released to go back to her house & nothing was destroyed! That was awesome to hear. Unfortunately I opened my big fat mouth and ended up freaking her mother out (*bawling and screaming at Denise thanks to me*) because their house is gone! everything ruined. They are planning on living in their camper (seasonal home) behind Mifflinburg while the repairs and renovations are being made to their place. I mentioned that the creek back there sometimes floods also and wondered if they checked how bad it got out there. Of course, that set into motion a chain of events that I feel so badly about that I wish I could snap my fingers and take it back. Poor Denise. Her mother apparently bawled and screamed at her for a while. I did my best to find out what was going on there and found that no one said anything was damaged. I just couldn't do it fast enough. It's no wonder the parents of my friends usually hate me. I really wish I had just kept my BIG FAT MOUTH shut. It's a wonder I even have any friends any more w/ the way I stick my foot in my mouth all the time.

So, around 1pm I ended snapping at a friend of mine's post because I thought he was saying "thank you" to my going to bed because he was annoyed with my many posts on Facebook. Another foot in my mouth. He called me and set me straight. Part of me was thinking that he was feeding me that just make me feel bad, but he did make a rational & understandable point.

I couldn't take it anymore. I curled up on the couch and took a nap. Dreamed a strange dream that felt so real. Woke up just in time to go for Daniel at school. We returned home and I went straight back to the couch. I let the kids snack & watch TV while I lay there on my fat, lazy a** feeling sorry, sad, tired, and depressed.

I got up with just enough ambition to put together a quick & easy supper. Boiled some whole wheat egg noodles, drained the water - tossed in some "butter" and a little skim milk - some powdered cheddar cheese and sprinkled with grated parmesan cheese. Kids ate it up like crazy! I ate my serving and stopped. I did indulge in a snack - choc chip cookie dough pop tart and washed down with some skim milk. After supper I couldn't stand it. I was feeling fat, lazy and stupid - - I grabbed the mower and got the lawn mowed. I should have raked up the clippings but I didn't feel like it. Came into the house and logged on Facebook and made a few apologies and deleted a post of two just to be on the safe side not to step on anyone's feelings.

It wasn't long after that my mom sent me a text that she was coming for the kids. I managed to wash & dry a load of sheets & blankets. I have a load of colored wash soaking right now and I will use a lantern - go out back and hang them. You see.. I've been living the super simple life for some time now. My washer and dryer unit broke over two years ago. I've been hand washing the clothes & hanging them to dry in the bathtub. Then I built a clothesline out back (*which I must add needs redone*) and that has been a blessing. It makes it difficult sometimes because I have to depend on the weather and I wait longer for things to dry sometimes.

Oh and I should mention - that lawn mower is a push mower. My push mower with a motor on it quit working on me earlier this year. I had it torn apart several times. A few things were fixed on it but it still remains unused: doesn't start, doesn't work and makes up some of the clutter in my carport.  My new lawn mower is a system of blades, like a combine; and they rotate - - a reel mower. I get a lot of strange looks and even some comments sometimes, but it's all I have and I use it. The lifestyle I've been living here is actually turning 'greener' than I ever imagined. I'm currently plotting where to place my garden I want to plant next year. I don't need something huge, but I do want a raised garden with good soil. I'll plant lettuce, peppers, cucumbers, and green beans and maybe even a little corn. It would be nice to have a watermelon patch & maybe even a small pumpkin & squash patch too. Oh! and eggplant would be great! and beets..We'll see.. I just wish I still lived in the country where I could burn my trash, have a huge compost heap, a few animals, and more room for the lifestyle that I prefer to live. It's so stifling living in town, by myself, without a bedroom of my own etc etc etc.. I don't own a car any more and I really wish that if I had the room & permission - I would buy a horse or at least a pony w/ a cart to get around places. *sigh* I dream of these things and God knows my hearts desire. I ask him for forgiveness for the distraction and for feeling low about not being able to be the person I feel I'm supposed to be..

Another one of my friends got married today. She looked beautiful! Happy! and I pray for her success & the best of years to come! Feel a little bittersweet about it - - As I mowed the yard I heard / started listing all the things about me that I feel keep me from being able to find someone. It's rather disheartening. I pray God forgives me for those thoughts and that he helps take those feelings away. I dislike feeling unwanted. It's a nasty place to be when you're working - alone - Don't get me wrong I don't want to find someone to do things for me - I just want to find someone to share in these things with me. Even if it's just to visit with me while I'm weeding my garden or be in the dining room while I'm canning those lovely veggies etc. I would like to find what I've always wanted: someone to share everything with - like my best friend/ someone I can trust & rely on (if I need to but would not do unless necessary) - someone that would hold a equal (for the most part) relationship that would be interested in my passions and I in his..  that's not too much to ask, is it?!