I am an open book. Most people that know me - know that I'm not one to hold back. Yes, over the years I have been more cautious by what I tell folks and more selective of the folks I tell certain things.
However, today - I'm going to through caution to the wind and let a few things loose.
God knows I've been trying to just give it all to Him. I keep waiting for some answers that I sometimes don't know will ever be answered. I've been doing some research, trying to keep busy, and listening.
I'm having a really rough time feeling at peace right now. I'm so restless it's incredible.
Everything around me is stable. I feel pressured to be content, calm, and still. I don't want to be. I want to be excited, enthusiastic, and wildly passionate.
I've seen pictures of friends going out to do things, getting their hair done, and skiing, etc.. FUN!
I scroll through my phone- clinging to the few pictures I have of some adventures from the last few months. Brief moments of sheer happiness- amongst the normal hum/drum of life.
Last night, as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling (where the fishing rods are stored), I almost started crying. Honestly. I crave the outdoors. It's getting bad. I love it so much.
I keep thinking, "ok, if I'm not supposed to have a man in my life, not supposed to have money or a vehicle, or a house of my own or all those things that people continue to HOUND me with reminders of their so-called importance and bringing of (supposed) happiness ... Just what is left?! Be happy with work = done. Be happy with children = done. Be happy with "life" = done. So.. what's left to bring me excitement??? Something different that causes my heart to beat a little faster in sheer joy?!
Dear God. . Please allow me to have the outdoors. Last weekend, after a horrible experience at the Expo - -I was ready to just hang it all up. Say forget it. It's not worth it. I was being selfish for considering the outdoors as a lifestyle instead of a hobby. I was dying on the inside.. but if that's what God wanted.. I'd do it. I struggled with this for a few days. I was thinking that my days of enjoying the outdoors were over. Anything that I were passionate about was undeserving. I almost had a bonfire of my pallets, the items I made out of them, and anything connected to the outdoors. Seriously. I was that upset. I almost burned it all. Throw it all away. Be done.
I didn't do it. I chickened out. I prayed for God to calm me. Prayed for His answer.
So.. I did nothing. Swallowed the pill and just.. well.. here I am.
Honestly.. If I could, I'd buy a tent, a shotgun, a pistol, and a good knife, pack up my fishing rod and my cast iron and head for a hill side and just.. do it. Live off the land--completely. So, I'd go hungry a day or two. Who cares? Right?!! To me it sounds absolutely fabulous.
Then .. I get depressed. I'm a social person. It would probably only take a day or two of being completely alone like that before I got really bored. I'd probably start talking to myself. . or worse.. try to trap a wild animal and keep it as a pet. LOL ! get rabies and die. . frothing at the mouth.. horrible.. then some poor animal would come along and eat me, get rabies.. and that horrible vicious cycle just continues. Danggit. :( that makes me sad.
So, I guess I better start thinking a little deeper. . Keep calm and wait.
In the meantime, I'm climbing the walls inside while trying to maintain an outwardly calm, cool, and collected appearance.
I am doing my level best to just ... maintain and wait.
Sunday, March 2
Tuesday, February 25
Rough Week / God Speaks
Yes, it's been a rough week already and it's only Tuesday. *sigh*
On Sunday evening, my teenage daughter did something that shocked me to the core. I felt so horrible and was overwhelmed with fear, worry, disappointment and terrible anger.
I spent 85% of Sunday night just crying, praying, and staring at the ceiling of the room. That issue is yet to be resolved completely, however, I am feeling much better today about it. I'm not going into detail but my 13 yr old is probably going to give me an ulcer from the stress I feel. I felt depressed. I immediately felt horrible sadness and cried. **side note. I HATE CRYING. Seriously, I take it as a weakness. I hate it. **
Monday was a blur.. I numbly walked through my day at work, wondering about things, praying, and just "maintaining". I kept my emotions and thoughts in check as best I could. Tried to pull out of the 'funk' I was feeling.
Suddenly, it's Tuesday. . what?
This morning, I was already at work when I had something come to me.. it went like this..
"Why must we toll to prove our worth? Why do we have to appear as though we're stressed and over worked in order to be of value of appreciation, praise, and blessing? " I was reminded of a passage in John 15(NIV)
I thought about the analogy of using a fruit tree for this. Now why would God use a tree for an analogy about people? I like trees. They're an awesome reminder for me of how mighty God really is. An acorn eventually grows into a huge oak if you leave it alone and in the right conditions and let it do what God intended it to do.... Hmm.. ohhh.. Lord.. there's something in that. .
So, here's where my head started wrapping around this .. Now, I could be totally & completely wrong here so - I'm just putting this out there in case I've got something here..
Ok.. if I'm a tree. . say.. a lemon tree.. I'm going to produce fruit w/ the right circumstances- no matter what. I'm doing what is intended, naturally to happen. Ok. Naturally, I reflect on my surroundings. My family, my home, my job, and my co-workers. What kind of fruit am I producing? Do they trust me? Do they see me as an example of good or bad? Why do I continue to have trouble w/ things if I'm producing good fruit? Why are my struggles the same? I've been doing my best, working really hard, making sure I haven't done anything unworthy and why does it feel like I'm still not naturally producing good fruit??? Why do I feel like I have to prove that I'm good? That I've changed? That I'm a godly woman that loves life and wants the best for people around her ? Do my children reflect the changes that I've made?
*I almost got depressed at that question to myself. * I still struggle w/ feeling terribly about how rough I sometimes was around my children. I didn't show them properly how to handle life, how to rely on God, and believe.. I truly strive to make up for that now. **
a song came to me..
Days are filled with sorrow and care,
Hearts are lonely and drear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Refrain:
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Calvary, Calvary;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Cast your care on Jesus today,
Leave your worry and fear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Troubled soul, the Saviour can see
Ev'ry heartache and tear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Not long after that, I was distracted by work things and focused my attention upon it. Meanwhile, I was feeling a little better than Monday - for sure ! ! Working at where I am I have made many friends from within the community, for different reasons. Today - - was a God speak day. MOST of my day I was placed in opportunities to either listen or LISTEN or L I S T E N !!! and most assuredly learn.
I was sharing some of the 'troubles' we've seen in my 13 yr old daughter with the intentions of remembering her in prayer.. I got a little upset b/c I was flooded w/ feelings again.. I didn't cry but I felt like it. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm reminded of my crazy Grandmother who lived her whole life lying so badly and believing her own lies to manipulate AND I'm not even sure she was fully aware she did it. She was messed up! I was sure that dealing w/ that kind of behavior died & was buried along w/ her. I was trying to be a little humorous while speaking about it to mask my feelings.
***what happens next is truly the most amazing thing**
He let me have it!
I witnessed the power of God speaking through my friend - WITHOUT a doubt!
The words just flowed out of him like water down a mountain. SERIOUSLY!
You want to talk about good fruit from a good tree?! This guy's the real deal.
The message was this:::
DO NOT DOUBT YOUR GOD. If you're going to give Him EVERYTHING and that means EVERYTHING --> we must NEVER doubt His control. Normally, folks are so willing to pray when they've given up hope, exhausted everything of their own accord, and putting their faith into God's hands LAST. I need to remember to do that FIRST! He is the Alpha AND the Omega. . ok?! So.. let's get together on this.. Even our children.. Yes, I gave birth to them, but it was GOD who has really given them life so.. why shouldn't I let Him really have them ? The troubles that I'm having w/ my daughter.. that's minor. God is much greater than any of it. She is His daughter too. Let Him correct her. I should be thankful for every moment He allows me to have as her mother and do everything I can to do that HIS way.
Again, one of my favorite verses comes in here:
Proverbs 3:5-6(NKJV)
I had a moment of absolutely weak in the knees revelation. REVIVAL.
Internally, I cried out to God and asked forgiveness for being so stupid. Thanked Him for another lesson learned. Opened my eyes and my heart to what He wanted me to understand.
Not long afterwards, I felt so much better.
Whether I bear good fruit or not - I do not know. I'm still just a growing tree, doing what I was intended to do, surrounded by God's love and guidance.. Just a little more focus, faith and belief on my part.. and ASSUREDLY everything will be alright. I believe it.
I don't hope it. . I BELIEVE IT!!!
On Sunday evening, my teenage daughter did something that shocked me to the core. I felt so horrible and was overwhelmed with fear, worry, disappointment and terrible anger.
I spent 85% of Sunday night just crying, praying, and staring at the ceiling of the room. That issue is yet to be resolved completely, however, I am feeling much better today about it. I'm not going into detail but my 13 yr old is probably going to give me an ulcer from the stress I feel. I felt depressed. I immediately felt horrible sadness and cried. **side note. I HATE CRYING. Seriously, I take it as a weakness. I hate it. **
Monday was a blur.. I numbly walked through my day at work, wondering about things, praying, and just "maintaining". I kept my emotions and thoughts in check as best I could. Tried to pull out of the 'funk' I was feeling.
Suddenly, it's Tuesday. . what?
This morning, I was already at work when I had something come to me.. it went like this..
"Why must we toll to prove our worth? Why do we have to appear as though we're stressed and over worked in order to be of value of appreciation, praise, and blessing? " I was reminded of a passage in John 15(NIV)
1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.
2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunesa
so that it will be even more fruitful.
3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
4Remain
in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it
must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in
me.
5“I
am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you,
you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
6If
you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and
withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.
7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.
8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I thought about the analogy of using a fruit tree for this. Now why would God use a tree for an analogy about people? I like trees. They're an awesome reminder for me of how mighty God really is. An acorn eventually grows into a huge oak if you leave it alone and in the right conditions and let it do what God intended it to do.... Hmm.. ohhh.. Lord.. there's something in that. .
So, here's where my head started wrapping around this .. Now, I could be totally & completely wrong here so - I'm just putting this out there in case I've got something here..
Ok.. if I'm a tree. . say.. a lemon tree.. I'm going to produce fruit w/ the right circumstances- no matter what. I'm doing what is intended, naturally to happen. Ok. Naturally, I reflect on my surroundings. My family, my home, my job, and my co-workers. What kind of fruit am I producing? Do they trust me? Do they see me as an example of good or bad? Why do I continue to have trouble w/ things if I'm producing good fruit? Why are my struggles the same? I've been doing my best, working really hard, making sure I haven't done anything unworthy and why does it feel like I'm still not naturally producing good fruit??? Why do I feel like I have to prove that I'm good? That I've changed? That I'm a godly woman that loves life and wants the best for people around her ? Do my children reflect the changes that I've made?
*I almost got depressed at that question to myself. * I still struggle w/ feeling terribly about how rough I sometimes was around my children. I didn't show them properly how to handle life, how to rely on God, and believe.. I truly strive to make up for that now. **
a song came to me..
Days are filled with sorrow and care,
Hearts are lonely and drear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Refrain:
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Calvary, Calvary;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Cast your care on Jesus today,
Leave your worry and fear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Troubled soul, the Saviour can see
Ev'ry heartache and tear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Not long after that, I was distracted by work things and focused my attention upon it. Meanwhile, I was feeling a little better than Monday - for sure ! ! Working at where I am I have made many friends from within the community, for different reasons. Today - - was a God speak day. MOST of my day I was placed in opportunities to either listen or LISTEN or L I S T E N !!! and most assuredly learn.
I was sharing some of the 'troubles' we've seen in my 13 yr old daughter with the intentions of remembering her in prayer.. I got a little upset b/c I was flooded w/ feelings again.. I didn't cry but I felt like it. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm reminded of my crazy Grandmother who lived her whole life lying so badly and believing her own lies to manipulate AND I'm not even sure she was fully aware she did it. She was messed up! I was sure that dealing w/ that kind of behavior died & was buried along w/ her. I was trying to be a little humorous while speaking about it to mask my feelings.
***what happens next is truly the most amazing thing**
He let me have it!
I witnessed the power of God speaking through my friend - WITHOUT a doubt!
The words just flowed out of him like water down a mountain. SERIOUSLY!
You want to talk about good fruit from a good tree?! This guy's the real deal.
The message was this:::
DO NOT DOUBT YOUR GOD. If you're going to give Him EVERYTHING and that means EVERYTHING --> we must NEVER doubt His control. Normally, folks are so willing to pray when they've given up hope, exhausted everything of their own accord, and putting their faith into God's hands LAST. I need to remember to do that FIRST! He is the Alpha AND the Omega. . ok?! So.. let's get together on this.. Even our children.. Yes, I gave birth to them, but it was GOD who has really given them life so.. why shouldn't I let Him really have them ? The troubles that I'm having w/ my daughter.. that's minor. God is much greater than any of it. She is His daughter too. Let Him correct her. I should be thankful for every moment He allows me to have as her mother and do everything I can to do that HIS way.
Again, one of my favorite verses comes in here:
Proverbs 3:5-6(NKJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct[a] your paths.
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct[a] your paths.
I had a moment of absolutely weak in the knees revelation. REVIVAL.
Internally, I cried out to God and asked forgiveness for being so stupid. Thanked Him for another lesson learned. Opened my eyes and my heart to what He wanted me to understand.
Not long afterwards, I felt so much better.
Whether I bear good fruit or not - I do not know. I'm still just a growing tree, doing what I was intended to do, surrounded by God's love and guidance.. Just a little more focus, faith and belief on my part.. and ASSUREDLY everything will be alright. I believe it.
I don't hope it. . I BELIEVE IT!!!
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