Hearts

So.. I've been mulling a few things over in my mind the past few days. I couldn't get the right words, feelings, emotions, and make sense of anything enough to blog.. So.. today - it finally came to me...

Yesterday, while on a break, I was outside (*smoking - I know. I need to quit*) and in the beautiful blue sky was a puffy white cloud.. in the shape of a heart  

Symbol of love floating by

After a long day at work - and the full moon in FULL swing! *effecting everyone's attitudes & the innuendos were flying ALL over the place* my heart was so heavy & I truly felt lonely. Lonelier than I've ever felt in the past 6 years. *AND that says alot!* I knew God was with me & that my relationship with Him has grown stronger & that I rely on Him for everything & He supplies what I need - when I need it. I honestly felt like crying out to Him "DEAR GOD, PLEASE BRING SOMEONE INTO MY LIFE." (*looking at this now I feel so silly! I have many great friends and a very loving family. I shouldn't feel lonely at all.*It's just not the same as sharing your life with someone- even if it's just dating, etc*) So last night before going to bed - a realization came over me. I know internally I have been hoping that God would shine down on my male companionship issues. I really started to believe that with everything I've gone through, survived, and learned from that God was telling me to forget about it. Give up hope on ever feeling TRUE love & trust for a man again. Depression lives there - feeling sorry for myself and feeling stupid for wasting those years on the ones that didn't work out - I started to analyze it inside myself - "maybe I'm not ready." - "maybe I'm not good enough for the one He's got picked out for me" - "it's better to be without than date the wrong one." etc etc blah blah blah blah *sigh* ENOUGH!!!!  I actually spoke these words - "Hello God. I know you're just as tired of this issue as I am. I'm beyond sick of it - - I ask if you could quiet my mind - clarify it - make it crystal clear what YOUR will for me is. I admit I feel lonely, jealous, and sometimes angered by my friends & family that are successful in love. I ask for YOUR forgiveness. Please Lord, my heart is longing for something like I've never had before - in the best sense. I'm tired of feeling so guarded in my heart, afraid to open it up to people, and worry about who to trust & who not to trust - and the uncertainty of whether I'm ever going to be able to love again and be loved in return. I know that You know best for me & I ask You to OPEN my heart & allow me to see the positives instead of the negatives. I know that if I never find love again here on Earth - I will still love YOU! You are the one that holds my entire heart and if You don't want me to share it with anyone - I accept that. In Your Holy Name - Amen"

Last night, I had the STRANGEST of dreams. All my co-workers were in it - - I felt all warm & fuzzy and believe it or not I was actually in bed (*at my parents! HA HA*) and I was so full of laughter when I woke up - - in the dream my one co-worker was dressed in a WHITE RABBIT costume and hopped back & forth in front of the door of the bedroom where I was laying in - - saying "look at me, I'm ^insert other co-workers name here^!" I woke up laughing.  As I walked across the alley to work, I started to feel tired... and a much more solemn feeling came over me. I started my work day like usual. Thanks to circumstances, I had an entire day where I could plug myself into inventory. *snooze* boring! *sigh* HOWEVER, in order to break up the boredom I was playing the satellite radio through the phone in the office.. EVERY time I was sitting in there - a song was playing on the radio that spoke to me - -


I Told You So by Carrie Underwood
You Need A Man Around Here by Brad Paisley
(this one cracks me up! it's how I feel sometimes that I need a man... )
Why Don't We Just Dance by Josh Turner
(because I'm a hopeless romantic - and that's the kind of man I would be interested in having-spontaneous)
Somewhere With You ??
(another hopeless romantic tune)
Got Whatever It Is by Zac Brown Band
I'll Be Just Fine ??
(about being fine w/out a man. picking up the pieces and starting over. Something I've done several times and would not care to do again.)
Someone Else Is Calling You Baby - ?
(again- finding love again? - and seeing it happen for an ex.(*which I did this week. I can't believe he is doing all the things he told me where DUMB and that he NEVER wanted to do again with someone. Amazing how meeting the right person can change someone's opinion on things?!*)
Lover, Lover ??
(another you've done me wrong song)
Didn't You Know - ??
(didn't you know how much I loved you? for the ones that I wanted to tell I have had a crush on them and didn't - -*sigh*)
Don't Think I Can't Love You - ??
(because I know that issue will come up - I know I'm ready to find love again if possible)
Would You Go With Me - ??
(would I go with you? yea - where are we going?! LOL)
Don't Ya Wanna Stay Awhile- ?
(many times I've asked - in hopes of 'yes I will stay awhile' and the hope that friendship turns to romance.. sadly for me.. it never did.)
Strange - Reba McEntire
(because it is strange.. after being with someone.. that empty feeling & the break in routine)
Making Me Fall In Love Again
(I don't know who it's by - but I plan on finding out. This one was the hardest one to take. **If I met the right someone - they would help me fall gracefully into love with them. right time, right place, right person.** WOW!!!)

This has been a heavy subject ALL week. I saw a good friend & regular customer. He approached me AGAIN with a situation (involving the potential for romance) with a relative of his. I told him that I stopped working & worrying on it.. His face was sad. He said, "there's no excuse for that." and I smiled and told him that I'll think about it. I finally came to grips with my inner most thoughts - whether I lose weight or not makes no difference - it's the kind of person I am that a man should be attracted to. So I took a good look at myself, my hobbies, my likes & dislikes.. and I found no reason why - with God's blessing - I couldn't find love somewhere along the line. Just this week- an old 'flame' - was posting pics on FB of him & his new girlfriend & how 'in love' they are - - felt a sting (*even though I know now that seeing him was not my best idea*) that he was doing all those things I thought were great (*which he belittled & refused to do with me*). I wish him luck. I hope it works out. *grumble grumble grumble* I have to stop that. It is nice that his life has turned around and that he is happy & can freely be in a relationship with someone. *grumble grumble grumble*  Then there was the number of people that were celebrating anniversaries - announcing new loves - and etc etc.  Several posts on Facebook appeared that dealt with matters of the heart. I was surrounded in it!! YIKES!

I'd like to think that this situation is coming to a close. I feel more at peace with this than ever. I'm still a little lonely & *God forgive me*  a little worried.. I stress out over feeling like I'm un-loveable. It is upsetting. I know God is in control and that *IF IT'S HIS WILL* it will happen...

Even tonight - - I received a text (a forwarded one) from a friend... and it reads...

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp He is not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better." - - and I thought - - Well.. for every year I've been single and waiting - - IF He brings a man into my life - - he is going to be SPECTACULAR! and I can't wait to meet him.