Who Am I ? -- Chapter 34 and counting..

If each year of our lives is a chapter in our book.. Guess that makes this chapter 34/35. It's a transitioning chapter. HA HA!

Being raised up in the country with my dairy farming grandparents raising up a farm girl for a mother & an avid outdoors men for a father has really laid the ground work for who I am today. I'm proud of who I am. God has molded me into a pretty interesting person. I feel confident and strong. **now that I'm getting over a little huddle of whatever it was that was dragging me down and making me a grouch for a week**  I think I've finally reached a point in my life when I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm fully equipped with the proper tools, confidence, and faith to survive anything. I believe it. Aside from the occasional attempt from Satan to drag me down - I think I'm doing alright. My children are fed, clothed, and being educated. My parents and I have never been this close and get along so well. I have a great job, great co-workers, and I live in a community where people actually get to know each other (sometimes too well haha!) and are friendly. I am happy. It's awesome! However, in life I know there's always room for improvement or betterment. After being sick for a week, I lacked any ambition to workout / diet. I just kinda ... let myself go.. I know I'm going to have to work even harder if I'm actually going to achieve the goal of losing 100 lbs this year.  I want to do it in like 5-6 months so.. yeah.. I better get cracking. LOL ! (*but not today*) I finally have a little vacation time coming which I'm BEYOND excited for this month. I plan on working EVERY DAY on myself, the house, and on LIFE. I'm working on a new morning routine. I've been slacking lately because of being sick & sleepy. I want to start each morning with 10 minutes of Bible study, 10 minutes of stretching, and then 30 minutes of exercise - BEFORE I get "up" and ready for work or whatever. So, if I have to wake at 4 a.m. - expect my bedtime to get a little earlier. LOL!

MY VACATION TO DO LIST:

1 >  Walk to Boop's & get my fishing license renewed. Price check .357s, 30.06, and 12 gauges. Check for tanning supplies such as a skinning knife. . Ask about if my hunting license is still on file or if I'll need to re-take the course to get my license this year. (small game, buck, doe, and bear are what I'm after) Heck, I'd probably try turkey hunting too if given the chance. Heard it's pretty dang exciting AND I do have an uncle that's proficient at it. He's been on WNEP a few times even. LOL

2 > GUT the kid's bedrooms. Get rid of all clothes that don't fit. Wipe down the walls, throw out anything that is no longer needed or usable. Organize & Dust & get them more space of their own. Figure out a way to create space for my own dresser / drawers / etc so I don't have to use Lily's room as a shared space anymore.

3 > Living room . . . clean. Purchase / hang the curtain petitions. Make my corner more 'my own'.

4 > Learn / practice / research better guitar playing technique. Tabs - solos - etc. If I just keep strumming and don't try to change or evolve my skills.. how will I ever KNOW for sure that it's as good as I'm going to get ? ?

Wow. That's a pretty simple list. I'm really looking forward to it.
It's going to be nice to have time to really LIVE and RELAX and enjoy being the person God has brought me into being.

I'm 34 now. Older and wiser. I have 2 teenage children. YIKES!! My son has Autism so every day is a great opportunity for practicing patience. My daughter.. well.. she's a special need all her own. Some days she's a happy go lucky "Trooper" who can tolerate just about anything. Her flip side is this dramatic, over thinking, over powering stubborn and wrong headed girl that just says and does some of the dumbest things. Sometimes I get so angry with her because it HURTS me to think she THINKS these things.  I can't understand it. Ah. . puberty. Thank God!!!! I don't remember much from those years. I remember them being horrible but details.. are a little fuzzy in translation. Must be from all the drugs and alcohol over there years that I attempted to kill the pain. It's probably for the best I don't remember anyway. L O L !!!
Work has been stable. Working full time doesn't leave a whole lot of room for extras, but thanks to my parents, family, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and some friends - we do manage to get out sometimes. Sometimes it stings to see folks getting out / about enjoying themselves, knowing I can't, but I'm happy for them just the same. I've learned to swallow that jagged little pill.

Guess the only sensitive issue I have these days has been about my lack of companionship. I am by nature a very social creature, however lately my trust circle is so tight. Really! Socially, I'm a hermit. I have FB which keeps me connected but otherwise my only REAL social outlet is work. I've been trying to practice the art of keeping to myself. I've been keeping a good deal of my personal life out of work and off of FB (at least the gory details and refraining from involving myself in drama). I mean, FB is awesome for keeping in touch but I really don't expect anyone to feel the need to talk to me everyday. I limit what I tell my parents also. I'm an adult now. They no longer should be burdened with troubling details. I should be able to sort them out myself, right? !  (God willing) There's really only been one person lately that has been a greater friend than I ever expected.  God told me to reach out a hand of friendship and I actually acted on it. I could have ignored it or chickened out. (*So glad I didn't!!!*)  I've come to rely on that friendship. Some days I worry that maybe I rely too much. I have tried to back off and it just doesn't feel right. It feels unnatural to ignore someone that has slowly become one of the most trusted friends I've ever had. I mean, seriously! From minute #1 I've been myself and there's NEVER been any trouble whatsoever or the feeling that I needed to act / be a certain way in order to impress or change to fit their standards.

There is a problem though. It's a man friend. People get confused. I actually have a co-worker that INSISTS that he's supposed to be more. On days I actually tell her about an 'adventure' we've had - she gets all gushy and starts talking about how she & her husband got together and how she sees a lot of me in her and how she hopes that "this could really work out for you, April. Bless your heart." *gag* -- I really resist the urge to boldly tell her to "shut up" and "stop that".  I'm really trying to live a life w/out being influenced by media, people, or anything that can distract the whisper of God. God told me to be friends. I'm doing that in the best way I know how.

Another "problem". . I've made no active effort to be in a relationship.  People don't seem to understand that. Ya see, I'm single. I'm not dating. I'm not looking. I'm not walking around in a depressed state of loneliness and desperation thinking I'm nothing w/out a man in my life. I'm reminded of my grandmother (Dad's mom). When she was married or involved with a man- she had much more confidence in herself. Heck, she even started coming to church b/c of a man she was involved with. She stood up and professed her renewal of inviting Jesus into her heart. AMAZING! Guess what happened as soon as they stopped seeing each other.. BLAMMM! She stopped coming and she changed. She was depressed and lonely and didn't value her life or held any self-esteem at all!!!  I don't want to be like that. I don't want people to notice ANY difference in me whether I'm single or dating or married or whatever! I want to be the SAME person no matter what!!! Does that make any sense? It does to me.

At this point in life - I honestly just keep pluggin away. I don't have a single clue what the other chapters are going to hold, but I know God's writing this book and I look forward to what's in store- whatever it may be. <3

I declare...

sorry - I declare "bullsh**"

Ladies, let's STOP fooling ourselves. 95% of the "nice, decent" men in our lives are ALREADY married or gay and thus - unobtainable. Let's just STOP with this CONSTANT bombardment of romantic dribble that in the grand scheme of things only sets and UNREALISTIC view of love! Nicholas Sparks is a perfect example. Seriously? ! (The Notebook) Do you know any man willing to write a letter EVERY DAY for a year? MOST men don't like to return text messages, let alone write an actual letter.  That is REAL LIFE!!  Those stories are FICTION! hello?! entertainment?! yeah.. those people get PAID to act these stories out. They are not ACTUALLY like that. I mean, come on!!! Let's get a little smarter here ladies.. We didn't come all this way from the stay-at-home baking all day slave days to fall victim to this garbage all over again.


So what?! if we never fall in love again?!!!! SO WHAT ?!!! is that going to make me any less of a person?! Any less of a mother or loyal employee?  I'm sorry. . but I just don't see the point in "hoping" for something that REALISTICALLY may never happen. It changes NOTHING. Oh sure, you may feel some warm fuzzies for a little while. Go a few years .. see where those warm fuzzies are then.. have a few failed attempts that nearly ruin your life.. uh huh.. REALITY!!


WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY AS SINGLE AND FREE INDIVIDUALS???!!
FOCUS ON YOUR OWN LIFE.
Once you've got yourself established, if a man comes along - so be it - awesome for you ! KEEP TRUE TO YOURSELF and don't let your guard down so much that if he left you'd be RUINED. If no man ever comes along.. SO WHAT! ? at least you know you've been able to take care of yourself. We've GOT to stop!!!! with this "oh I can't make it on my own bull!" It annoys me SOOOO badly (as you can tell) I'm 34- a single mom of 2 teenagers- I work full time - I live on my own - I have attempted marriage 3 times. Guess what ?? divorced 3 times.  Why ?? b/c I was stupid. I chose to be impatient, wrong headed, and rush things that weren't meant to be. WHY??? because of romantic notions in my head that "oh I'm in love" when real love isn't always that euphoric feeling of butterflies and rainbows shooting from your posterior cavity annoying everyone around you - like scratching fingernails on a chalkboard.

Oh yeah? did I mention Valentine's Day is next week ? LOL !! the biggest joke of all the holidays. Why must we have ONE day set aside to honor "love" - - shouldn't that be everyday ? Love ourselves?! love the people around us. . love our families, our children, our communities.. Love what ever faith you have? I mean.. come on!!! I don't need flowers and chocolates and romantic GARBAGE to show love.. How about taking an extra second to help an elderly woman with her groceries? or taking a moment to let someone ahead of you at a street crossing? Aren't these all acts of love?

SERIOUSLY !!!! Let's get real here. Shouldn't we be "in love" with LIFE??!!! Be thankful for the happy moments and learn from the bad ones ?? Give me a break here. 

I'm currently researching where in the Bible that it says that EVERYONE is supposed to find love and be married and live happily ever after *gag*..  So far, I haven't found a single thing!  Oh, I've found the rules / guidelines for being a virtuous wife (Proverbs 31) and there's an entire book of steamy ramblings from a man "in love" - seriously.. you can almost feel the drool dripping from his tongue like a dog. GROSS!  NO WHERE!!! (so far) does it is say that God has ONE single person matched for me and that I'll be granted the opportunity to live 'happily ever after'. I am SO tired of all the questions, the comments, and the stupid internet dribble that is constantly BOMBARDING us - trying to tell us that we NEED someone in our lives to be happy. 

No. No, I don't. If God proves me wrong - so be it. As far as I'm concerned, He needn't worry about it. I'm not. I believe I shouldn't be FORCED to be choked by that stagnant, putrid, revolting desperation of "oh my gosh, I'm so lonely and miserable w/out a man in my life" rotting theory.

I don't fit that mold. AT ALL! In the list of needs.. it's NOT on it ! It's not even on the wants list! ha!
NEEDS: food, water, shelter - basic needs. The rest is luxury.

Think about it. Be smart. Don't fall victim to bullsh**. I'm tired of it. I refuse to be part of it.

Good works

So, it's been nearly a month. I'm not terribly sure what I have to show for that time. Work has been busy. I'm trying to keep ahead of schedule with the inventory deadlines and so far, so good. The kids have a few grades in need of pulling up by next marking period so I've been trying to help press into their brains the importance of getting their work completed on time and accurately. Not the easiest task, since the two teenagers in this house are quite strong willed.. not sure where they get that from?!

So this morning I was reviewing some scripture. Trying to get myself into the Word. I'm tired. I've been feeling sick the past few days. I got a steroid shot & on antibiotics. It's hard to get into the right mind & heart when you're still feeling a little.. down and out. 
 
I've backslid a little on my daily prayer & scripture reading. Since Christmas it's just been a ... "maintaining" kind of attitude. I'm not lacking faith or doubting God's way. I just haven't - other than the occasional "thank you Jesus" moments been as strict w/ my discipline / routine. I have managed to make time to work out early in the mornings but I'm not making extra time to thank God, pray, or read His word?! what??? *SHAME ON ME!* I plan on changing that. Bible is now back on the night stand. I can read a bit before bed and a bit when I wake up. That should fix that! 

The scripture this morning I found was in James.
James 3:13
"¹³ Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom."

Maybe I should take a closer look at my conduct. Maybe I should look harder at myself and review whether my conduct has been honorable or not. There's a saying going around on Facebook **paraphrasing here** "you should live your life in a way that if anyone were to say something bad about you - that no one can believe it."  Conduct. What have I been doing ? Am I setting an example that is worthy of God? You see, the past few weeks have been long, busy, and full of work and distraction. What do I have to show for it ? Let me count my blessings.. SEE WHAT GOD HAS DONE.

Well, lets see, I've lost 7 lbs. I'm usually early to work everyday. I'm on time w/ my work deadlines. There's food on the table. The house is warm and clean (for the most part). I've managed to obtain a bed. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 7 YEARS of living here, I'm sleeping in a real bed. QUEEN size no less ;) You have no idea how awesome it is to retire to a REAL bed at night now. I'm so thankful. PLUS, this spring I get to make a box for underneath - with drawers :) PROJECT!!!! woo hoo!!! Also, a new piece of workout equipment helps with the routine of things. That was an unexpected surprise! My taxes are already filed and awaiting review with the IRS. I've got some vacation time coming which is froth with plans of CLEANING this house from top / bottom. (*I may need a dumpster LOL*) Plus, my plans (God willing) for this year's goals is still on track / in effect. I haven't waned. I've stood my ground.

Huh... guess even though I haven't noticed - because I've been too busy to notice - God's been even busier taking care of me. All I've really had to do was just... live and listen.
THANK YOU just doesn't seem to be enough. 
Pretty amazing. I still have unanswered questions about things from time to time.. but I'm certain God's got everything under control and He'll reveal what He wants me to know when He wants me to know.
Hm.. pretty awesome. <3