Chains

One of my favorite songs to play on the guitar is Chains, by the Beatles.. It's a fun song. It's a love song actually. (lyrics) --> Chains of love.. got a hold on me.. yeah! ! I've never understood why people compare love and their partners to chains?! That doesn't make any sense to me. The ole ball & chain. . they used those on prisoners to keep them from running.. I just can't understand how that ended up being used as a term for when people get married. It's almost as if you are supposed to get married to keep the person from running away. THAT makes me sick. I don't like that at all. If you chose to get married, shouldn't you want to stay??!! 

My mind continues... Chains can be very useful. Growing up, a good chain has always been seen as a helpful & handy tool. You can hook a chain up to a tractor & pull things out of snow and mud. Chains are made to be strong, unfailing, and stable. WOW! Ok. . now I'm thinking chains of love (song) makes perfect sense. Chains of love would simulate a bond so strong that it wouldn't be broken easily, right?!

I've been thinking.. (hm, imagine that?!)
Chains (positive) versus Chains (negative) OH BOY! !

Negative chains = "Chains" of destruction,  I've had a few: drinking, drugs & selfishness and that's just the a few. I've prayed earnestly & honestly that I be released of those chains. The kind that entrap you out of an unrighteous path. The kind that keep you from living a decent life. It's a work in progress but I have confidence that my life is completely turned from those things. I've been practicing self-control, discipline, perseverance, and attempting to be patient and see things through God's eyes.

So, in essence, I've been chained to the positive/the good/the righteous. Right?! Well, it is true. I'm grateful for my Savior, His Father, and for the blessings & lessons.

(More thinking and stronger praying)
I feel... boring. I feel.. trapped. I feel... what's the word I'm looking for... I don't know.. chained.

It's like keeping a dog in the yard. You know there's adequate food, water, housing and room for it. It's being well taken care of and socialized. It's a happy dog. It has no reason to run away or to stray from the people it loves / the ones providing for it. Yet, for some reason, there is this need for a leash/chain to keep it.

This.. is how I feel. Daily. I can almost feel it physically.
I can't help but think: "why must I wear this chain? I'm not running away. I'm not misbehaving. I'm not going to leave where I'm happy and loved." 
It's stupid. It's not necessary. Why can't I be free to roam w/in the set boundaries?

Do not misunderstand me. I am not depressed. I am not miserable. I am not unhappy.
I am quite content, pleased, and joyous that He continues to provide and I'm so thankful that it continues, unfailing. God has been so very good and I trust and believe that He will never stop. NEVER.

Right now, I see no change. I see no opportunity to be anything but who I am, where I am, and keep looking for opportunities that will bring pleasure to His glory. This is NOT a bad thing necessarily. No change = stability. Stability is good. I'm not asking for tragedy or strive or trial the patience or strength to have to endure it. I'm just curious why there hasn't been an opportunity to extend the leash a little? Or better yet.. take it off?!!

We've been set free of sin through Jesus, once He's received and we become NEW through our relationship with Him.

I should be comforted by the security of it all. I should be thankful that I've not been allowed to stray out of the boundaries. Maybe new things will develop w/in the boundaries and I won't notice the chains?

Maybe, I'm just losing my mind and the cheese is finally slipping off the cracker?!!
I don't really know for sure. . I can't really tell anymore. LOL

While we wait...

I am an open book. Most people that know me - know that I'm not one to hold back. Yes, over the years I have been more cautious by what I tell folks and more selective of the folks I tell certain things.

However, today - I'm going to through caution to the wind and let a few things loose.

God knows I've been trying to just give it all to Him. I keep waiting for some answers that I sometimes don't know will ever be answered. I've been doing some research, trying to keep busy, and listening.
I'm having a really rough time feeling at peace right now. I'm so restless it's incredible.
Everything around me is stable. I feel pressured to be content, calm, and still.  I don't want to be. I want to be excited, enthusiastic, and wildly passionate.

I've seen pictures of friends going out to do things, getting their hair done, and skiing, etc.. FUN!
I scroll through my phone- clinging to the few pictures I have of some adventures from the last few months. Brief moments of sheer happiness- amongst the normal hum/drum of life.

Last night, as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling (where the fishing rods are stored), I almost started crying. Honestly. I crave the outdoors. It's getting bad. I love it so much.

I keep thinking, "ok, if I'm not supposed to have a man in my life, not supposed to have money or a vehicle, or a house of my own or all those things that people continue to HOUND me with reminders of their so-called importance and bringing of (supposed) happiness ... Just what is left?! Be happy with work = done. Be happy with children = done. Be happy with "life" = done. So.. what's left to bring me excitement??? Something different that causes my heart to beat a little faster in sheer joy?!

Dear God. . Please allow me to have the outdoors.  Last weekend, after a horrible experience at the Expo - -I was ready to just hang it all up. Say forget it. It's not worth it. I was being selfish for considering the outdoors as a lifestyle instead of a hobby. I was dying on the inside.. but if that's what God wanted.. I'd do it. I struggled with this for a few days. I was thinking that my days of enjoying the outdoors were over. Anything that I were passionate about was undeserving. I almost had a bonfire of my pallets, the items I made out of them, and anything connected to the outdoors. Seriously. I was that upset. I almost burned it all. Throw it all away. Be done.

I didn't do it. I chickened out. I prayed for God to calm me. Prayed for His answer.
So.. I did nothing. Swallowed the pill and just.. well.. here I am.

Honestly.. If I could, I'd buy a tent, a shotgun, a pistol, and a good knife, pack up my fishing rod and my cast iron and head for a hill side and just.. do it. Live off the land--completely. So, I'd go hungry a day or two. Who cares? Right?!! To me it sounds absolutely fabulous.

Then .. I get depressed. I'm a social person. It would probably only take a day or two of being completely alone like that before I got really bored. I'd probably start talking to myself. . or worse.. try to trap a wild animal and keep it as a pet. LOL ! get rabies and die. . frothing at the mouth.. horrible.. then some poor animal would come along and eat me, get rabies.. and that horrible vicious cycle just continues. Danggit. :( that makes me sad.

So, I guess I better start thinking a little deeper. . Keep calm and wait.

In the meantime, I'm climbing the walls inside while trying to maintain an outwardly calm, cool, and collected appearance.
I am doing my level best to just ... maintain and wait.