Waiting, Praying, and Reflecting

You can't let a few bad days ruin a perfectly loved life!!!! I fell asleep praying again last night, feeling confused, vulnerable and a little sad. Yesterday was a humbling day. I learned that the best laid plans can change and that I should be grateful - which I wasn't too grateful yesterday / I complained a lot!! - no matter what !!! I've been emotional and unsure of things. I've been praying for direction or a clear indication of what I'm supposed to be doing and feeling.  While I'm waiting for God's next step, I have time to reflect, remember and essentially inventory some of the lessons I have learned over the years. They keep bubbling up OVER AND OVER. I can't help it. They're just there!!! I believe that something big & different is coming. I know changes are usually good - whether we realize it at first or not. I have no idea what is to come but I know I'm to be grateful for what I have, what I've learned, and to hope what's to come will exceed any expectations I may ever had for myself as a true servant of His kingdom. (*Lord, let me be an example for future generations. Let them see that hardships can be overcome and peace and joy can be found in YOU, no matter what.*)

Over the last 10 years, my life has had MANY changes. I've endured many hardships that I've learned so many valuable things from it in ALL areas of life, personal growth, parenting, friendships, relationships and more.. MUCH MUCH more!  I know what happens when you rush into things w/out thinking. I know what happens when you trust too much, don't forgive yourself for making mistakes, and harbor feelings of self-loathing that ultimately eat away at you - convince you of all kinds of negativity that makes you sick! ! I know what happens when you allow stubborn determination to overrule clear thinking & judgment. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself & my children as priority #1 (or a close 2nd after God). I have set "rules" and try to evaluate and regulate myself often. I try to be in control of my actions, thoughts, and discipline myself. I know to find passion in wholesome entertainment, keep myself away from evil, negativity, drama, and foolishness. It's an on-going effort. God help me but the last few years has been a lot better in this department. I'm not as "dramatic" as my Mom likes to call me. (or used to. . it's been a while since she did that) Everything seems to be falling into place--or at least I feel better situated, better fitting. I'm more stable, almost reliable. HA HA!! I've had the same job for 8 years, I've had the same place to live for almost 7 years, I've been reborn into some of my favorite hobbies: gardening, home improvement, DIY projects, guitar playing, hiking, fishing, (*hopefully hunting next year*), cooking, and my newest.. pallet furniture & etc.. Routine does tend to set in but never a dull moment. God has been so good to me, every step of the way. (*even if I didn't realize it, fell away, or thought I was doing it on my own.*) HA HA!


The hardest department has always been (and still is)relationships.. of the romantic type. Being married and divorced three times - - I often get down on myself thinking I'm a 3 time loser, 3 strikes you're out, and I have often accepted the fact I could very well wind up never having a decent, wholesome, respectable relationship worthy of marriage again. Inwardly I hope that there's still a chance. Inwardly I hope that God sees my true potential and that I could be a good wife to the right man. The one I should have waited and worked for in the beginning. I don't think I'd be the same woman I am today if I hadn't been through all those trials, lessons, and etc.. It's a double edged sword there. I try not to feel bad because of those issues or drive myself crazy wondering what it would have been like w/out all those troubles. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I know that even with my own stupid mistakes, God can create something beautiful out of it. He's brought me through it all for a reason. I know that taking wedding vows is a SACRED and HOLY thing. I got sad the other night watching Fireproof. The first time I watched it, I was helping a friend / counseling (in a way) with a marriage gone sour. I BAWLED MY EYES OUT. I literally crawled into a ball and rocked and cried. It was gut wrenching. God moved me that night. Yes.. I was single at the time. (*when am I not ??? ha ha*) **NEVER WATCH FIREPROOF ON THE FULL MOON!!!**This time watching that movie, I got sad for another reason. You see, I do not pray for myself in the relationship department much. I have my doubts. I cried, got sad, and I'll admit a little depressed because I realized that if God doesn't want me to have the kind of love worthy of marriage vows and respect and honor - - I never will.  God doesn't intend for us to be alone. I know this. Um.. I'm not alone. I have been planted in a family, work place, and community where being alone is very rare. I LOVE that people wave and smile as I walk my kids to school. I LOVE that folks come into the store and get coffee and chat/fellowship. I LOVE that all the people I truly love and trust are w/in walking distance. I LOVE new friendships that end up having a special meaningful connection to be cherished. I pray for strong friendships, bonds, and relationships with people I care about, people I like, people that I'd like to trust. I don't pray for God to find me a man. I know - if He's got one for me - He'll bring him to me when He knows we're both ready. At least.. I hope so..

The craziest thing is... people come to me for relationship advice! Why?! I don't get it! I'm such a failure in this department - - yet.. EVERYDAY!! and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY there is someone that comes to me - confides in me - and I find some personal attachment to it - about relationships. I just don't get it! Sometimes I get a little annoyed about it, especially if I'm struggling with my own issues about my own relationships. I try to analyze things.. be calm.. and rational.. think things through. *sigh* It is exhausting!!!!  Perfect example was yesterday. A regular customer.. just out of the blue asked me about marriage. Internally, I literally went "no way! you did not just ask me that question. you did not just do that. I'm really not the one to ask. REALLY! " However, the kind person I am accepted the challenge and answered his question to the best of my ability. *sigh* I even managed to smile and laugh. HA!

Let me divulge here:
married in 1997
had Daniel is 1998
struggled & separated for a few weeks in 1999
Got back together and had Lily in 2000
Divorced in 2001
moved back to PA
dated, married, and divorced my 2nd husband in 2002-2003
Met, lived with, and married husband#3 in late 2003-2006
Got my job at Cole's in November 2005.
Separated thru all of 2007 (the year of HELL I call this) and 2008
Divorced in June 2009
**along the way I remained single/not dating in 2007&2008**
**and I went through counseling through those 2 years also**
In 2009, 2010, & 2011 I did date on/off. Nothing serious though. Nothing worth the heartache I seemed to have put myself through for it.
July 2012 - July 2013 (*one year and a few days exactly*) had my first relationship since my last husband. we even talked of marriage. I endured my plight, thinking that even though it wasn't perfect or what I expected that it was supposed to be. I was determined NOT to fail!!!
(*wrong again April. slaps head*)

Now you see - - I've been "on my own" a great part of my adult life. God has carried me. My family has been awesomely supportive--even when they probably didn't want to be. My children have managed to forgive me for being so stupid. I've grown accustomed to a certain idea of what God has planned for me.. which I know could be subject to change. I try not to have expectations. I really don't. Every day is a new day, wipe the slate clean and try again.

I'm not sure why the issue of relationships is so overwhelming right now. Could be because the holidays are coming and everyone wants to have someone special for those times. Could be just because God has me planted so I can be helpful to someone hurting. I just don't know. It wears me out. You may think I'm crazy but I have hope. Someday - maybe - just maybe I could be finally get it right. Maybe I could feel 100% secure, know I'm in a loving, lasting relationship that w/ God could weather any storm that may come. Fall asleep knowing the man beside me is my best friend, supporter, and lover because God molded him to be that man. *I'm crying now. Geez. HATE THAT.* Talk about your unreal expectations, flights of fancy Nicholas Sparks type romantic garbage. ;)
(*spoken from someone that's been more of a "Martha" than an "Allie" her whole life*)

So.. there it is..
I let my feelings get the best of me. I think too much. I keep praying. I keep hoping. I keep trying.
Lord help me.

R o u g h _ D a y

Dear God,

I've had a weird, rough day. I'm distracted. I'm irritated. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk.
You know what the past few days have been like for me. I feel 100% vulnerable and confused. I'm struggling with some things. Today did not help at all. I felt - not myself. I can't help but wonder just what is going to happen. I hope that You'll reveal a clear path to me. Help me hear Your voice. I love you Lord. I know You have it all under control.  Help me keep the faith, keep the trust, and obey Your will. --- Amen


I'm home now. Chicken is in the dutch oven. Dishes are washed. Kids are watching tv and snacking on popcorn.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.
I am trying. I am hoping.

Part of me just wants to curl up and cry.
Another part of me wants to get mad.
All of me feels absolutely confused. . unsure. . and vulnerable.
I don't like it.

Expectations

I don't know if it's the full moon or just something God has placed upon my heart / mind to think about but here goes..

Expectation: 

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
 

I absolutely hate expectations. Hate may be a strong word, but I have a severe disliking for expectations. Having certain expectations can lead to very real disappointments. Over the past few years, I've been trying to practice NOT having any expectations or very little expectations. Yes, I realize that this may be a little pathetic, but it has proven to work many, MANY times over. The only expectation I consistently believe is that whatever mess I make of my life God can and will fix it; as long as I believe/ask Him to make it right and that if I continue to believe, repent, and serve, I'll have eternal life in Heaven. 

 Recently, I watched a person's expectations be crushed. The tremendous disappointment in her life was nearly unbearable to watch. I remember being in an emotional place similar to her situation. I remember the sting that it left. I now know the reason why it happened that way, but that was a good 10 years or so ago. I've had time for that wound to heal. It was heart breaking to witness. I felt helpless.

**In my mind**
I honestly didn't have the heart to tell her that from my experience in life it's hard to expect things to go how you plan, think, or hope they will happen. I know that sounds a little horrible, but honestly, it's my experience. The person I am today would NOT expect that situation to happen to me again. I personally took a vow to myself that I would NOT allow it to happen again. Not even by chance.. Sometimes, I wonder when people are given warnings on what to expect.. WHY? do they not listen ?!!!  A lot of hurt & disappointment & emotional angst could be spared. Seriously! I guess faith plays a lot into that. If you're feeling compelled by God to try something then I guess you better give it your best effort and expect something to happen. Just be prepared when it doesn't happen the way you want it to.

Every one person has their own ideas of what to expect out of people and things around them. Each idea or expectation is come about based on personal experience specialized to each situation. Sometimes we get disappointed because our expectations have been set too high or unrealistic that it's nearly pointless for a person to even try to live up to them.

I was shocked this week. I was informed that a highly respectable, trustworthy, and upstanding person was quoted that they "think highly of me." Honestly, I was BLOWN AWAY!!! I didn't know what to say. This opinion of me what NOT what I would have imagined. I wanted to know why?! Just what is so special about me that I was mentioned ? This is a new concept to me. I hardly ever get recognized for something GOOD! I like praise but I also fear it. I tried to control my shock and any emotion attached to hearing this information. Emotion leads to over-thinking or the potential for putting pressure on myself to try to "live up" to this newly found expectation. Ack! makes me nervous!!!!
(*this is where the inspiration came for this particular piece of writing*)

I honestly didn't expect that. I had NO CLUE that this person even thought about me at all, let alone to "think highly of me" and value my contributions. W H A T ??!!!! Gosh! So, of course, I started thinking about what expectations might be asked of me in the future. . what expectations do I have for my future?

**spiral**spiral**spiral** I'm out of my head!**I'm out of my comfort zone**panic!!!**danger!!!**

If someone were to ask me: "what are your expectations of your future?"
My reply, "I haven't a clue. I have no real expectations."
Here's just a few thoughts...

It would be nice if both my kids can graduate from high school & go onto college. Find jobs and be successful in everything they do.
It would be nice to advance at my job or find a 2nd job that helps fill in the gaps of my financial issues.
It would be nice to own a vehicle again.
It would be nice to own a house or a cabin of my own.
It would be nice to find "the one", be married, and finally "get it right".

DO I EXPECT ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN????

The real answer is no. (*head*)
The alternative answer is yes. (*heart*)
I do not expect them to happen. I hope/pray that they do (particularly the one regarding my children) but I do NOT anticipate or expect that they'll actually happen, especially in a way that is normal or absolute. I guess to think this way it sets me up for less disappointment. I guess, I'd rather be surprised that something wonderful has happened rather than disappointed that something that I greatly expected didn't happen. This makes sense to me. This feels real to me. God help me, but this is where I am. Makes me a little sad to think I have to think this way but it's my comfort zone. The boundaries are rattling but they've not broken yet. *whew* safe.. ahhhh..