I have been so happy, feeling blessed and at peace w/ life & how things are in it. God has been so good and been comforting me every step of the way. The past week there have been some unfortunate disappointments. I think I faired rather well through them but I find myself feeling.. odd. I feel a little like.. well.. like I'm sitting on a plush pillow w/ a thumbtack sticking up through the fluff. Overall I'm still comfortable but there's this nagging pinch that just won't go away. I know God doesn't give us what we can't handle or learn from. So, I've been trying to look at what's happened -- the bigger picture.. what am I supposed to learn here?
A "friend" on Sat came to me - asked a favor. I did what was asked of me only to find out that he had USED me (once again!) This is a guy I dated 2 yrs back. He always tries to appear as a good friend but I've learned now that he is a TOTAL evil. Can't be trusted. EVER! again! I hate that. I know that a good Christian should give people the opportunity to reveal themselves as good and that forgiveness should be the key part of any friendship or relationship. However, how many times must a person get hurt & forgive before they realize that this person is NOT good for them?! NOT to be part of their life!? Well, I've reached that point. I'll no longer be played a fool.
On Monday - amongst the mix of waiting for other people to do their jobs so I could do mine - I got an email that was a reminder of how far behind I am w/ inventory at work. I've been busting my hump for that place. Trying to do EVERYTHING I can to catch up AND stay on top of what all my other responsibilities are. . It set me off. It shouldn't have, but it did. I honestly just.. snapped inside: felt completely useless. I think Satan saw his way to needle on me about it because I keep feeling like.. "hmm, maybe this isn't the job I should be doing? Maybe I should just wash my hands of all my efforts since they don't seem to make a difference or aren't good enough. Maybe I should just find another job where I won't make mistakes or get behind or be a major disappointment."
BIG MISTAKE !!! allowing myself to think those thoughts.. b/c it spread through all the other aspects of what has recently been the happiest I've ever been.. I was being too hard on myself. It's one of the traits of my being that I dislike the most. I get sensitive about things & I've been trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative. I had a moment of weakness and it just.. put a pinhole prick in my balloon of happiness... slowly deflating me.. like a slow leaking tire as you're rolling down the highway. I REFUSED TO CRY! I've come WAY too far and grown WAY too strong for that! Proud to say, I didn't cry. Felt like I was going to, but I didn't.
Next thing was.. got an email about Daniel not completing homework- like.. everyday! *sigh* Now we're cracking down and making sure NOTHING else gets done until that boy has his homework COMPLETE! It's a disappointment to find out that your child is struggling .. especially when you're under the impression they are doing well. His spirits have been good & he's been appearing as though he's been productive, organized, and getting his work done. *sigh* I'm so worried!! It's only going to get WORSE as he gets older. The work gets harder. I pray he finds the ability and courage to just.. get it done. Sometimes I just feel like screaming: "DO IT" !!! I know that won't solve anything. *sigh*I pray that eventually he won't need us standing over him every step of the way. I wish he LIKED getting his work done. Right now.. he sees the work & just GIVES UP! before he gets started. Saying "I'll never get done. It's impossible." Last night .. while helping him complete a 8 page Health packet -- I just kept praying over and over.. Dear Lord, Please..he needs this. He needs to have the drive to get it done. After a few questions it got really easy for him and I couldn't help but Thank God! ! for bringing the calm .. The accomplishment of getting it all complete.
Tues was a little better. I didn't sleep well so I got up & went to work EARLY! Did inventory by hand: paper, pencil & flashlight! No joke!! Then once the order reports were run, w/ the help of my co-worker, we just.. BLAM!!! got as much done as we could. HALF of a department... and YET.. I'm still not done w/ the one I was working on before *sigh* I ran a list of items in that area that I need to count, split it in half, gave one half to one co-worker & half to another. One co-worker returned their list to me w/ almost half of the items found & counted so I could just do a computer batch and get them done. The other co-worker returned the list with NOTHING done. *sigh* Nothing like making efforts to get ahead and end up going in circles. Ha! ya.. I ride a hamster wheel at work. I sweat my butt off, go as fast as I can.. but sometimes I just trip & the wheel keeps spinning and I'm just .. along for the ride. HA! HA!
Despite it all I still feel happy. I'm praying God returns the feeling of peace & happiness to me.. the great JOY in my heart of knowing MY SAVIOR has is all under control and life is meant to be lived and loved! I want my bubble of happiness back!!!
There's one more issue. . it's nothing major but it's something I think about a lot. God doesn't bring us what we want, but He brings us what we need. I'm feeling restrained. You see.. There's something that I think I want.. I feel God's pulling me towards it. I'm not sure I want to.. I don't want to run the risk of losing something that's been good, solid, and steady. I'm testing the waters a little bit, but trying to do so cautiously & w/ reserve. However, there are days when I just want to leap in w/ both feet b/c I sense that it could be the greatest thing ever---even though I'm afraid of it and not sure that it's 'set in stone' yet. I pray about it all the time. I ask God to bring me the wisdom I need. I know He's got a plan promised to me.. I just hope that while I'm waiting & listening that I don't freak out & do something harmful to that plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11,13
Lord, You know my life. You know the ups / downs / ins / outs . You know what I need & what I want. Help me to find the lessons You need me to learn to better serve You. Help me to grow and bloom where You've planted me. I will try my best b/c it's all I have. I love You Lord. I trust You. Amen.