Catching Up & Loving Life

Well, I am ashamed. Writing hasn't been a priority the past week or two. Holidays are upon us and once Thanksgiving rolled around I became Santa's "Momma Elf" around here. Thanks to a good friend with a truck we didn't have to carry our tree home. He also helped stand it up, trim it just right, and even put the lights on it. I was overly excited. We were going to make applesauce/cinnamon ornaments and etc etc.. and I wanted everything to go smoothly...etc etc.. (Momma Elf syndrome!)  I know that nothing ever does so I was praying for self-control. (it's a daily prayer for me- I want to be slow to anger & let worries/frustrations not bother me so much. I hate when I feel sad, mad, or stressed. I pray God helps me cope with those three things the most.) I failed 3 or 4 times at stringing those lights. At that point I strung the lights so miserably (again) that my friend gently puts his hands on my shoulders, turns me from the tree, sat me on the recliner, SAID NOTHING AT ALL and took off my dis-functional light stringing and strung it himself. It was so beautiful and perfect when he was finished!! I had no words. We had a good laugh about it & it was awesome!  **this may be one of the very first times EVER in the history that is my life that someone (particularly a man) was able to actually handle me / my frustrations / stubborn determination & do something constructive about it without setting my temper to flare** Seriously, those of you that really KNOW me & my journey & interactions with men - you know what a big deal this really is.



Later that evening we struck forth with the making of ornaments. HA HA! Pinterest is an awesome internet resource, but I failed miserably at that applesauce & cinnamon recipe. It would NOT form dough. It was gloppy, sticky goop. Out of sheer silliness & one last ditch effort - I baked a few globs and we all had a good laugh at our glittery cinnamon scented reindeer poop. It was hilarious! It's always a good time with so many laughs when we're all together. I am so grateful for those moments of fun & laughter. Really makes me feel like "home" like we're doing more than just surviving life.. that we're actually living it. I've grown rather fond of these times. Some days I crave them. It's a feeling I keep praying about because I don't know what to do about it. There are just some days that I honestly feel myself slipping into what I call .. "family mode" and I want them to be there. I feel they belong there as part of the adventures - whatever they may be. I really don't care what others think - my friend & his son & his mom are like family to me.  When God told me "strike up a friendship" - that is all I expected. A true friendship. Praise God that is what we have: open, honest friendship. It's truly a blessing. I know God brought our families together for a reason. I am so thankful - grateful - happy: beyond words. I pray that things continue to be happy, joyous, and our times together be pleasant and froth w/ fun & adventure. I don't have to pray for laughter because that's always a guarantee! :)

So, "Momma Elf" gets to back to decorating. I wanted homemade, natural, and simple. HA! Salt dough ornaments went sooooo much better for me. I begged the kids to help but they were "too busy". So.. I set to it. I made a good selection of hearts, bells, trees, stars, and the 2nd batch I put coloring in. Lily did help with the 2nd batch a little. On our tree words are spelled out : MERRY, JOY, NOEL, PEACE and everyone has their name hanging on it too: including our friends. Heck, I found embroidered stocking for our friends (names spelled correctly & everything!) at the Savings Store here in town so they'll have stockings too at our house this year. If I find ones like that with our names on it - I will buy & hang those too. Truth be told I'd love to have 2 sets of stockings. One under the tree for gifts (that are personable: like my Betty Boop one) & one to hang just for merely show (the traditional ones w/ our names on them).  Seriously ! I need help. ha ha! Christmas is my favorite holiday of the entire year.

God has been so awesomely good. I absolutely do my best to stop myself from being negative, down, or stressed. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday. Why? It's the birth of Jesus. It sparks the beginning of the journey that was Jesus & His life & the events that led up to His ultimate sacrifice - the TRUE power and knowledge of what His purpose is / was / will be forever. The power that is from the manager to the cross is absolutely INCREDIBLE.  The flesh of God walked the Earth - mingled with the people - performed miracles - included 12 incredible men each for their own purpose - the whole time knowing He was going to die for people that didn't know Him, didn't love Him, and refused Him. Talk about an adventurous life! Truly! Awesome! I absolutely LOVE Christmas!! It renews me. It's refreshes the hope & faith that my life, your life, ANYONE'S life and the adventures, ups/downs, ins/outs, the good AND the bad can become a POWERFUL testimony for our Lord and His mighty mercy, power and glory. <3

Matthew 5:14-16

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

So, now that I've gotten you caught up, entertained, and even preached a little - I'm going to sit, relax, and enjoy the Sunday God's blessed us with today. Kids are sleeping - I've got a roaring fireplace (on Netflix) and a handful of Christmas DVDs. There's NO telling what I might get into ;)
Love & Joy to you all <3

Confidence Waivering

I'm feeling weak & vulnerable. My confidence & self esteem has been waning. I don't feel like the "good woman" people claim I am.  I feel troubled and like I'm not doing things that are helpful. Work has been busy with overtime, which I'm grateful. Every morning I wake up - get to work - and do my best. I get home, make supper and do my best to keep ahead of dishes and laundry. Then I fall asleep praying for the people around me. I often times wish I had more time, more money, and more ways to help people, but between work and bills I barely have had enough time for my own things - let alone trying to make time for others. It's terrible. I know. I can't fix that. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for the tasks being presented to me. I get confused. I get frustrated. It hurts me. It really does!

On the flip side, I can't express to you how genuinely happy I truly am! I really feel joy & happiness in the way life is going right now. There are some times I can't shake the feeling of wanting something more. Something different. I picture things - let my mind drift a little - and then I end up getting confused or sad or feel angry with myself for being so selfish and feel stupid. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for God to help me not to want things- to stop dreaming up unrealistic hopes. I dislike when I feel like I want something I can't have. It makes me feel like a rotten servant of God, like I'm selfish, and shouldn't deserve it. I know God is good & life is meant to be lived well. I know that is so because I have a good stable job, decent co-workers, the best family, and a few awesome friends that I'd really miss if they weren't there. I am very grateful for that! ! I've worked very hard and endured many things to maintain, with God working through me. I honestly can't be sure what / if any changes are coming. Maybe I'm just to continue where I am, with what I have, and just keep doing what I'm doing.  My emotions sometimes get the best of me and cause me to blurt out things that I probably shouldn't .. I pray for forgiveness for that. I really am trying my best to be the best me I can be with out the hassle of drama, negativity, and strife. I really don't want to be a burden. I want to be an example of faith, love, and happiness-- REGARDLESS of what happens in my life: good or bad. I will praise Him, pray to Him, and let Him have the control.

I hate it when people talk to me because they feel obligated-like "oh I better say something or she'll feel bad." Honestly, if you don't want to talk to me - tell me that. One thing I can't stand is someone that says "call me, text me, or you can talk to me" but when you reach out them - gets huffy or treats you like a burden. Speaks only enough to get the conversation over. It actually hurts more than if they'd just say "I really can't talk right now or I have enough going on, please it wouldn't be fair for me to try to listen right now."  It's called communication. If you don't want to hear from me for a few days - tell me! I'll respect that. I may not understand it, but I'll respect it.

Another thing this week--> It drives me nuts when people only talk to me because they want something from me: my time, my money, or a question about some dramatic situation. (*which for the most part I've been doing pretty good steering clear of the drama queens in my life. Wish I could say the same for others.*) I know Facebook is part of my ministry but this week I wanted to delete it. I get so sick of the garbage people put each other through PUBLICLY on Facebook. It's incredible. I feel so bad for them. I pray for them. I try not to post negativity, get involved in drama or caps lock battles. It is sometimes very hard to refrain from speaking my mind. I think it boils down to respect. I respect myself too much to ALLOW myself to fall victim to someone's overwhelming inability for self-control. There were times when I fell victim to that. . last few years. . not so much. I pray God grant me the self-control and be slow to anger. It's always going to be a work in progress but it's worth it.


So that's where I am. God help me. I get "strange".. and want to hermit myself away.
I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute.
Still clinging to my Jesus & His saving grace <3

Waiting, Praying, and Reflecting

You can't let a few bad days ruin a perfectly loved life!!!! I fell asleep praying again last night, feeling confused, vulnerable and a little sad. Yesterday was a humbling day. I learned that the best laid plans can change and that I should be grateful - which I wasn't too grateful yesterday / I complained a lot!! - no matter what !!! I've been emotional and unsure of things. I've been praying for direction or a clear indication of what I'm supposed to be doing and feeling.  While I'm waiting for God's next step, I have time to reflect, remember and essentially inventory some of the lessons I have learned over the years. They keep bubbling up OVER AND OVER. I can't help it. They're just there!!! I believe that something big & different is coming. I know changes are usually good - whether we realize it at first or not. I have no idea what is to come but I know I'm to be grateful for what I have, what I've learned, and to hope what's to come will exceed any expectations I may ever had for myself as a true servant of His kingdom. (*Lord, let me be an example for future generations. Let them see that hardships can be overcome and peace and joy can be found in YOU, no matter what.*)

Over the last 10 years, my life has had MANY changes. I've endured many hardships that I've learned so many valuable things from it in ALL areas of life, personal growth, parenting, friendships, relationships and more.. MUCH MUCH more!  I know what happens when you rush into things w/out thinking. I know what happens when you trust too much, don't forgive yourself for making mistakes, and harbor feelings of self-loathing that ultimately eat away at you - convince you of all kinds of negativity that makes you sick! ! I know what happens when you allow stubborn determination to overrule clear thinking & judgment. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself & my children as priority #1 (or a close 2nd after God). I have set "rules" and try to evaluate and regulate myself often. I try to be in control of my actions, thoughts, and discipline myself. I know to find passion in wholesome entertainment, keep myself away from evil, negativity, drama, and foolishness. It's an on-going effort. God help me but the last few years has been a lot better in this department. I'm not as "dramatic" as my Mom likes to call me. (or used to. . it's been a while since she did that) Everything seems to be falling into place--or at least I feel better situated, better fitting. I'm more stable, almost reliable. HA HA!! I've had the same job for 8 years, I've had the same place to live for almost 7 years, I've been reborn into some of my favorite hobbies: gardening, home improvement, DIY projects, guitar playing, hiking, fishing, (*hopefully hunting next year*), cooking, and my newest.. pallet furniture & etc.. Routine does tend to set in but never a dull moment. God has been so good to me, every step of the way. (*even if I didn't realize it, fell away, or thought I was doing it on my own.*) HA HA!


The hardest department has always been (and still is)relationships.. of the romantic type. Being married and divorced three times - - I often get down on myself thinking I'm a 3 time loser, 3 strikes you're out, and I have often accepted the fact I could very well wind up never having a decent, wholesome, respectable relationship worthy of marriage again. Inwardly I hope that there's still a chance. Inwardly I hope that God sees my true potential and that I could be a good wife to the right man. The one I should have waited and worked for in the beginning. I don't think I'd be the same woman I am today if I hadn't been through all those trials, lessons, and etc.. It's a double edged sword there. I try not to feel bad because of those issues or drive myself crazy wondering what it would have been like w/out all those troubles. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I know that even with my own stupid mistakes, God can create something beautiful out of it. He's brought me through it all for a reason. I know that taking wedding vows is a SACRED and HOLY thing. I got sad the other night watching Fireproof. The first time I watched it, I was helping a friend / counseling (in a way) with a marriage gone sour. I BAWLED MY EYES OUT. I literally crawled into a ball and rocked and cried. It was gut wrenching. God moved me that night. Yes.. I was single at the time. (*when am I not ??? ha ha*) **NEVER WATCH FIREPROOF ON THE FULL MOON!!!**This time watching that movie, I got sad for another reason. You see, I do not pray for myself in the relationship department much. I have my doubts. I cried, got sad, and I'll admit a little depressed because I realized that if God doesn't want me to have the kind of love worthy of marriage vows and respect and honor - - I never will.  God doesn't intend for us to be alone. I know this. Um.. I'm not alone. I have been planted in a family, work place, and community where being alone is very rare. I LOVE that people wave and smile as I walk my kids to school. I LOVE that folks come into the store and get coffee and chat/fellowship. I LOVE that all the people I truly love and trust are w/in walking distance. I LOVE new friendships that end up having a special meaningful connection to be cherished. I pray for strong friendships, bonds, and relationships with people I care about, people I like, people that I'd like to trust. I don't pray for God to find me a man. I know - if He's got one for me - He'll bring him to me when He knows we're both ready. At least.. I hope so..

The craziest thing is... people come to me for relationship advice! Why?! I don't get it! I'm such a failure in this department - - yet.. EVERYDAY!! and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY there is someone that comes to me - confides in me - and I find some personal attachment to it - about relationships. I just don't get it! Sometimes I get a little annoyed about it, especially if I'm struggling with my own issues about my own relationships. I try to analyze things.. be calm.. and rational.. think things through. *sigh* It is exhausting!!!!  Perfect example was yesterday. A regular customer.. just out of the blue asked me about marriage. Internally, I literally went "no way! you did not just ask me that question. you did not just do that. I'm really not the one to ask. REALLY! " However, the kind person I am accepted the challenge and answered his question to the best of my ability. *sigh* I even managed to smile and laugh. HA!

Let me divulge here:
married in 1997
had Daniel is 1998
struggled & separated for a few weeks in 1999
Got back together and had Lily in 2000
Divorced in 2001
moved back to PA
dated, married, and divorced my 2nd husband in 2002-2003
Met, lived with, and married husband#3 in late 2003-2006
Got my job at Cole's in November 2005.
Separated thru all of 2007 (the year of HELL I call this) and 2008
Divorced in June 2009
**along the way I remained single/not dating in 2007&2008**
**and I went through counseling through those 2 years also**
In 2009, 2010, & 2011 I did date on/off. Nothing serious though. Nothing worth the heartache I seemed to have put myself through for it.
July 2012 - July 2013 (*one year and a few days exactly*) had my first relationship since my last husband. we even talked of marriage. I endured my plight, thinking that even though it wasn't perfect or what I expected that it was supposed to be. I was determined NOT to fail!!!
(*wrong again April. slaps head*)

Now you see - - I've been "on my own" a great part of my adult life. God has carried me. My family has been awesomely supportive--even when they probably didn't want to be. My children have managed to forgive me for being so stupid. I've grown accustomed to a certain idea of what God has planned for me.. which I know could be subject to change. I try not to have expectations. I really don't. Every day is a new day, wipe the slate clean and try again.

I'm not sure why the issue of relationships is so overwhelming right now. Could be because the holidays are coming and everyone wants to have someone special for those times. Could be just because God has me planted so I can be helpful to someone hurting. I just don't know. It wears me out. You may think I'm crazy but I have hope. Someday - maybe - just maybe I could be finally get it right. Maybe I could feel 100% secure, know I'm in a loving, lasting relationship that w/ God could weather any storm that may come. Fall asleep knowing the man beside me is my best friend, supporter, and lover because God molded him to be that man. *I'm crying now. Geez. HATE THAT.* Talk about your unreal expectations, flights of fancy Nicholas Sparks type romantic garbage. ;)
(*spoken from someone that's been more of a "Martha" than an "Allie" her whole life*)

So.. there it is..
I let my feelings get the best of me. I think too much. I keep praying. I keep hoping. I keep trying.
Lord help me.

R o u g h _ D a y

Dear God,

I've had a weird, rough day. I'm distracted. I'm irritated. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk.
You know what the past few days have been like for me. I feel 100% vulnerable and confused. I'm struggling with some things. Today did not help at all. I felt - not myself. I can't help but wonder just what is going to happen. I hope that You'll reveal a clear path to me. Help me hear Your voice. I love you Lord. I know You have it all under control.  Help me keep the faith, keep the trust, and obey Your will. --- Amen


I'm home now. Chicken is in the dutch oven. Dishes are washed. Kids are watching tv and snacking on popcorn.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.
I am trying. I am hoping.

Part of me just wants to curl up and cry.
Another part of me wants to get mad.
All of me feels absolutely confused. . unsure. . and vulnerable.
I don't like it.

Expectations

I don't know if it's the full moon or just something God has placed upon my heart / mind to think about but here goes..

Expectation: 

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
 

I absolutely hate expectations. Hate may be a strong word, but I have a severe disliking for expectations. Having certain expectations can lead to very real disappointments. Over the past few years, I've been trying to practice NOT having any expectations or very little expectations. Yes, I realize that this may be a little pathetic, but it has proven to work many, MANY times over. The only expectation I consistently believe is that whatever mess I make of my life God can and will fix it; as long as I believe/ask Him to make it right and that if I continue to believe, repent, and serve, I'll have eternal life in Heaven. 

 Recently, I watched a person's expectations be crushed. The tremendous disappointment in her life was nearly unbearable to watch. I remember being in an emotional place similar to her situation. I remember the sting that it left. I now know the reason why it happened that way, but that was a good 10 years or so ago. I've had time for that wound to heal. It was heart breaking to witness. I felt helpless.

**In my mind**
I honestly didn't have the heart to tell her that from my experience in life it's hard to expect things to go how you plan, think, or hope they will happen. I know that sounds a little horrible, but honestly, it's my experience. The person I am today would NOT expect that situation to happen to me again. I personally took a vow to myself that I would NOT allow it to happen again. Not even by chance.. Sometimes, I wonder when people are given warnings on what to expect.. WHY? do they not listen ?!!!  A lot of hurt & disappointment & emotional angst could be spared. Seriously! I guess faith plays a lot into that. If you're feeling compelled by God to try something then I guess you better give it your best effort and expect something to happen. Just be prepared when it doesn't happen the way you want it to.

Every one person has their own ideas of what to expect out of people and things around them. Each idea or expectation is come about based on personal experience specialized to each situation. Sometimes we get disappointed because our expectations have been set too high or unrealistic that it's nearly pointless for a person to even try to live up to them.

I was shocked this week. I was informed that a highly respectable, trustworthy, and upstanding person was quoted that they "think highly of me." Honestly, I was BLOWN AWAY!!! I didn't know what to say. This opinion of me what NOT what I would have imagined. I wanted to know why?! Just what is so special about me that I was mentioned ? This is a new concept to me. I hardly ever get recognized for something GOOD! I like praise but I also fear it. I tried to control my shock and any emotion attached to hearing this information. Emotion leads to over-thinking or the potential for putting pressure on myself to try to "live up" to this newly found expectation. Ack! makes me nervous!!!!
(*this is where the inspiration came for this particular piece of writing*)

I honestly didn't expect that. I had NO CLUE that this person even thought about me at all, let alone to "think highly of me" and value my contributions. W H A T ??!!!! Gosh! So, of course, I started thinking about what expectations might be asked of me in the future. . what expectations do I have for my future?

**spiral**spiral**spiral** I'm out of my head!**I'm out of my comfort zone**panic!!!**danger!!!**

If someone were to ask me: "what are your expectations of your future?"
My reply, "I haven't a clue. I have no real expectations."
Here's just a few thoughts...

It would be nice if both my kids can graduate from high school & go onto college. Find jobs and be successful in everything they do.
It would be nice to advance at my job or find a 2nd job that helps fill in the gaps of my financial issues.
It would be nice to own a vehicle again.
It would be nice to own a house or a cabin of my own.
It would be nice to find "the one", be married, and finally "get it right".

DO I EXPECT ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN????

The real answer is no. (*head*)
The alternative answer is yes. (*heart*)
I do not expect them to happen. I hope/pray that they do (particularly the one regarding my children) but I do NOT anticipate or expect that they'll actually happen, especially in a way that is normal or absolute. I guess to think this way it sets me up for less disappointment. I guess, I'd rather be surprised that something wonderful has happened rather than disappointed that something that I greatly expected didn't happen. This makes sense to me. This feels real to me. God help me, but this is where I am. Makes me a little sad to think I have to think this way but it's my comfort zone. The boundaries are rattling but they've not broken yet. *whew* safe.. ahhhh..

Attention Getting

There's a never ending list of things & people to pray for these days. Yesterday, I took a little time to chat w/ a customer. Older gentleman. He's 78, recently widowed, and was having trouble w/ his furnace. This is actually an area where I know a little about, thanks to my Dad. :) Anyway, through conversation he told me quite a bit about himself. Told me he was lonely all the time. Told me that he was lost w/out his best friend of 58 years. Also told me that he hoped to fill the void. Told me he has a 60 yr old lady friend that he hopes to be his companion. Even told me they had spent the night together once. "We had fun" he said. He was SERIOUS about it too! *I tried so hard NOT to laugh!!* He ended up remarking, "if you ever need some good lovin, just look me up." *sigh* shaking my head* I did manage to witness to the man. Told him my "philosophy" on being single. He seemed receptive. He did end up hugging & smooching my cheek twice. *sigh* After he left, I sneaked into the office and laughed so hard I thought I was going to wet myself !!! I prayed for him. Prayed for myself. **God knows I've had my ups/downs with relationships. I've never had one that really worked, and yet.. it seems I'm the "go to" for advice and it's almost like people seek me out to talk to me about that stuff. I don't get it. Maybe I've been honed/primed for fielding these kinds of questions/situations. I just don't know. I have a bit of insecurities here and I try not to stress myself out over them.**

Also, yesterday, brought to light was my co-worker who is struggling right now. Poor dear is attempting to have children late in life, with some health issues. Yesterday was a very rough day for her. They told her they couldn't find a heartbeat. *sigh* Being in that situation twice in my life, my heart severely aches for her. I pray that God bring her the definite answers she's crying out for and that her heart be comforted. In this situation, that is pretty much all you can do except be ready to lend an ear if/when she's ready to talk about it. I know everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why my two pregnancies didn't happen. I'm thankful now, but then I was devastated. My days were dark and sad. I feel her pain. I truly do.

I know God works through us like blood passes through our veins. Basically, He carries us from one place or person to another for a reason.. a precise function in that place / persons life. I ran into that interesting fact several times yesterday. I thank God for those moments. I hope that even though my efforts may not seem grand or outwardly that His seeds be watered, His messages get across, and that His work be done.

This morning, I reminded my son before going into school.. You see, he's been struggling w/ getting his work done sometimes. . "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men." It's Colossians.. 3:23  Anyway.. I reminded him that he needs to do his work as if God's instructed him to do it. It's been on my heart for some time now to tell him that. I know it's high school and it blows chunks terribly for him sometimes but I feel as though he'd understand that God wants us to work hard and do His will. This is why I love my job. Not only can I work for Cole's - - a family business, network, and etc of its own -- but I also get plenty of opportunity to do God's work as well. Believe it or not, I enjoy it! It may not always have those 'happy sunshine, rainbows, and fluffy bunny' days but it's good work and enjoyable to do it. I hope to talk more w/ my son about this later. The walk to school is so short & this morning I wasn't thinking clearly or prepared in anyway.. it just blurted out of me at the last minute. *shaking my head*

I feel God keeps grabbing my attention. I feel like I am being prepared for something bigger. I'm not sure what it is. I still struggle with some of my own personal issues that pop up from time to time. I pray God is in control and allows me to focus on others & the work He needs done in others lives. I know He's working on me. I know He'll get to my issues: one way or another. I still strive to remain joyous, happy, and feeling blessed.

Trust

I wrote an essay back in 2008 .. It was a homework assignment that I handed in and if I remember correctly, got a 100% on it. Honestly, I'm feeling vulnerable these days. I try to be open, honest, and trustworthy to all. I guard my heart just enough. I've been practicing patience, diligence, and strive to keep myself out of temptation and fear. I can count on ONE hand the people I trust 100% w/out any reservation--these are the ones that I can go to NO MATTER WHAT!!! #1 is God. #2 is my parents and family. #3 is my boss. There is a #4--but I won't get into that too much. LOL (*Frankly, I get a little scared when I think of #4. It's a friend that I've grown rather fond of having in my life. I don't feel any pressure to be anyone but myself around this person and never ONCE have felt judgment. No matter what I've said or done: past, present, or future. **ok.. I must stop there. ** Admitting my level of trust for this person is already enough to cause me to have a mini freak out inside.*)

All my other friends, family, neighbors, relationships, friendships, and otherwise acquaintances have what I call: surface trust. That's what I call when you reach out, share good times, and are there to help them when they ask but you know that they're at higher risk for disappointing you. May not be today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but you KNOW that they aren't reliable enough to trust 100%--with all your secrets, feelings, and skeletons, etc.  It may just because they're life is consumed by busyness or conflict or mental / emotional issues or it could be that you just don't know them well enough to share. This doesn't mean that you are a royal monster to them. This just means that you trust them w/ what you can, when you can.

So... here is that essay I spoke of earlier..

My key to trust is my faith & trust in the Truth and His guiding hand to lead me into trustworthy relationships with my fellow mankind.

Proverbs 3:5-6 states "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." It appears that faith and trust go hand in hand. Faith is defined as complete trust. Trust is defined as to place confidence, depend or believe or rely on the truth; Truth being the real state of things. Trust should be a solid reliance on something true. This is why trust is so hard for us, as people. People are, by nature, tempted to lie, cheat, steal, and gossip.

When we place confidence in other people we leave ourselves vulnerable for possible disappointment. This disappointment can lead to fear in trusting others and lack of faith. Fear can keep us from trusting and believing of other things - like God, family, and even ourselves. Placing trust in someone or something should be free of fear or worry. Unfortunately, human nature is to suspect, fear, worry, and be tempted with deception.

This is why is it written for us in Psalms 118:8-9 "It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in princes." To trust our fellow man we must trust and be faithful that God will lead us and others to be in fellowship and in relationships worthy of trust. Our faith in God and our trusting Him to be in control is how we can be able to trust people even if we fear disappointment.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 - Asking God to help is another key to trust. Prayer and reflection on and for our relationships with others can lighten the burden of worry and fear. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Struggling

I must admit - I am struggling. I've been working a great deal this past week or so. I'm not sleeping the greatest. When I do sleep, I am having strange dreams that make no sense whatsoever. While at work, I'm feeling under pressure and it's had it's moments of chaos now / then. So, basically you can say that it's just been "life". 

This weekend was a special sale at work. It was MADNESS !!! People were crawling out of the woodwork! I saw people I haven't seen in ages !!!  One was a very dear friend of mine in high school. She was my guidance counselor and I haven't seen her since shortly after graduation. She looked awesome !!! She remembered me and I got many hugs from her. It was GREAT to see her. She kept asking me, "How are you?" I kept saying, "I am well." with a smile. "Are you sure?" she said. LOL!! Even after all these years - She's still the very same. Always looking out for her "kids" ;)

Saturday, I was not on register. THIS MADE ME HAPPY !!!! I was outside all day doing a demonstration w/ a propane smoker. My partner for that was a co-worker from our warehouse. We spent the day (in between customers) chatting about a lovely variety of things. It was so nice having something different to talk about !! Oversees travel, history, cooking, and some of the luxuries of collecting antiques, books, and finer items like china, silver, and etc.. were all areas that just made the day go fast & enjoyable. I'm strive to be a simple country girl but the idea of world travel and these things mentioned above just tickle me to pieces. On the outside, I'm just a redneck gal w/ a 'help yourself' attitude, cooking up venison and mashed potatoes. On the inside, DEEP inside that mostly stays hidden there's a gal that would L O V E to set the table w/ linens and china and serve a delicious gourmet style meal and entertain / host a get together of the fancier variety. Crazy, isn't it ?! Yeah.. it is. ha ha !

Oh gosh ! yes.. I almost forgot to mention. One of my favorite (newly local) characters was in to the store. She approached me, as usual, with a smile & we chatted & giggled. Suddenly, she springs one on me. "I wrote a book", she says. *jaw drops* Really ?! That's great ! How does one acquire such a thing? I'd like to read it ! "Hang on" she says. Well.. a short while later she produces a lovely paperback copy of "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" *jaw drops* It's gorgeous! I read the back cover and was instantly absorbed. I hand her a pen to sign it for me.  She writes a lovely message in the front, along w/ her phone number, and smiles / giggles when handing it back to me.  She said, "Call me when you're ready to pull something together. I'll help you for your book."  **more on this in the next paragraph**
She's such a DEAR ! I mean.. honestly & truly. You see.. there's a story in her. She's currently been urged to write her life. She has told me bits here / there. Honestly, I'm surprised. To look at her, be around her, and spend time w/ her - YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS SOME OF WHAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH! She noticed the same in me and before I knew it - I spilled my guts on my idea for writing a book. God knows what's He's doing bringing people to places, other people, and communities etc.. for the RIGHT reasons at the RIGHT times. "It's a good idea. You need to do that." she says. I stood there, jaw dropped (AGAIN) and shaking my head. I told her that I'll be praying for her, her new book, and the possibility / potential that it may hold for her & for those that read it. A total God moment. Another solid confirmation that I'm His servant, in the right place, and at the right time.

You see.. part of me has been wanting to write a book for a very long time. I usually talk myself out of it or think myself out of it. Lately, I've had a little.. well.. light encouragement / pushing to actually do it. A friend that's recently published & working on book #2 said, "Go for it ! If you need help, let me know. " Two people (fb friends / family from growing up ) have BOTH been blessed w/ an opportunity for their writing to be published (grand scale) recently. ONE has a book available on Amazon!!!  I've always prayed for their efforts to be a success. The other is still working on hers. I truly rejoice for their successes !!!

My book .. well.. it's mostly an idea. I really want to do it. I like writing. It comes rather naturally to me. My style of writing is basically just typing as if I'm talking to someone. I'm sure grammatically and punctuation wise it's horrible, but hey.. it gets the job DONE! LOL!!!  I feel a little guilty though because I haven't publicly come out and said about this desire or anything. I really would hate for someone that I care about, that's working hard on progressing their own work to think I'm doing this / having this idea / trying just to spite them, their efforts, and steal their thunder.  So.. for now.. my blog is where it's at. The book idea.. is just that.. an IDEA. I may try to pull a few things together here / there but I won't act on it until I get a 100% sound, safe and solid 100% green light "go for it".

This is why I haven't blogged in about a week. I felt guilty. I was so blasted excited in thinking I could do something. Then, I just stopped. I just honest to goodness said "no. I'm not going to do it. I just can't. It's not worth it. There's no need." So.. that's what I did. 

I know God is working. I know He's got a plan. What it is - I still am not sure but He's been telling me that I need to be where I am. I need to be at Cole's working w/ the people I do, for the customers that I know / love .. regulars & new, live in Mifflinburg w/ the community of people that are a lovely variety, and continue to do what I'm doing. Bloom where I'm planted. I'm listening. I'm waiting.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart". Jeremiah 29:11,13

"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 2:5-6

ALL THREE OF THESE VERSES have come to me from NEW places this week. All three are special verses to me. I have them written / memorized / hanging in almost every corner of my house. I know God is telling me to stay strong, hang in there, and be patient. Good things are happening.. I just might not see it.

Reflection

Interesting week & it's only Tuesday LOL !!!
I'm very happy. Feeling very blessed ! God is good & I pray He's got great things in store!

I came home from my son's Court of Honor (Boy Scouts) tonight. I was so proud and had a lot of fun. I took a friend of mine & his son. :) Pretty sure he's going to be a new recruit :) I'm so excited to help them join into this circle of friendship, brotherhood, and family !

After tagging the photos, I was scrolling through FB (again) and I happened upon a quote..

It's a good quote. Quite true to how I feel. However, as a Christian woman I should feel loved w/out the presence of a man in my life. I've often felt that God's molding me into the type of woman I need to be to find the one He has picked for me. I sometimes wonder if that's actually going to happen. I don't want to rush into anything!!!! However.. there are moments.. especially when I read things like this.. that I'm reminded .. I'm still waiting.  I often dream of a man that I'm able to love freely, with every bit of the love God grants me, and that he in return will love me just as much.

Proverbs 31 is very HOT right now. There's an entire ministry focused on it. You can find it EVERYWHERE !!! Why? Because starting about verse 10 it starts listing qualities that make a 'righteous' wife.  For already married women, it's something to strive for in your marriage. An actual list -- of ways you can measure yourself to attributes of a Godly wife - worthy of love & praise. For those of us in the single circuit and particularly in the divorced crowd - - they can be a reminder of how much we "just didn't make it " .. Being single (essentially since 2007) and never experiencing a love that was so great that I could honestly be 100 %  - I took a good long look at this list.  . I pray I have what it takes.. and that those qualities get noticed by the one that's been waiting for me. . like I him. The one that's ready to give his heart to someone that will value it, support it, and encourage it. Someone that will receive mine and do the same.

I don't want to seem down / heavy. Honestly, I've been so happy the past 3 months. Pretty dang close to the happiest I've ever been. I feel SOLID on my foundation of Jesus & His promises. I'm praying. I'm not vulnerable anymore. I am strong. I am loved. I am protected by the Blood. I refuse to re-build the walls but also pray to guard my heart. The thought of love makes me just a little weepy, scared, and yet.. it's something my heart yearns for (*even though I do NOT outwardly admit this nor do I want to show it-- in fear I appear desperate*).  I do not feel "single". I feel.. reserved: like going to K-mart & putting the perfect Christmas gift on layaway, making regular payments, trusting it will bring great happiness and joy someday.

Call me crazy but I believe in love.
Despite how many times I've failed, been hurt, bruised, and broken.. I still believe in love.
Pretty incredible.

Loving Life & Fun Times !

This morning I was barely able to get out of bed. I had a 'family fun day/night' hangover. We had a blast yesterday !! I was babysitting my young pal: Aiden, who keeps us hopping. We went to McDonald's, the block party (which wasn't much of a party), the Thrift Store, joined up w/ my friend Michael & his son Caleb and the park AND did some local shopping. We later returned to my house & the party continued. I made supper of London broil in the dutch oven, broccoli & cauliflower in cheese sauce and we played ! Guess Who was first, then we started Phase 10 . Whoa! It was probably 11 pm or so when we finally finished. You should have seen the popcorn and the smarties scattered about ! It was so much fun!! We were tossing it at each other trying to get it into our mouths. :D :D   I LOVE IT !!!!

Life is meant to be lived. I'm not as uptight as I once was.. "Messes can be cleaned up but memories last forever ! !" I honestly had one of the best times last night :) again !! My friend Michael & his son Caleb bring so much fun & laughter to our lives that I just can't express the gratitude I have for our friendship!


I have been praying a lot ! God is working miracles all around and I can't express enough for those that aren't seeking -- YOU ARE MISSING OUT !!! I've been so overjoyed w/ love, happiness, joy, and faith that I can't help but love this Earthly time I get to share w/ others. God is so good ! All the time !!

Hard to imagine / remember times in my life that were not so good. My memories are fading of the hard / bad times because I'm so overwhelmed w/ joy & happiness. Well, there's still stress that creeps in every now / then but THANK GOD my life is arranged by HIS will that I can't stay stressed / overwhelmed for long. There are people in my life that I know that HE put there for that reason.

They say 'Time heals all wounds' - That is NOT true. God heals the wounds and we have to want to be healed. Sometimes it just takes more time than expected. I could reflect on a few "bad times" in my life but I choose NOT to harp on the negative. Would I like to forget they happened ? No. I need to remember from time to time b/c I do NOT want history to repeat itself. Have I forgiven ? YES!!! I have !!!  God has been gracious & merciful for my ignorant mistakes. I am happy to seek Him and His will.  Will it be all rainbows & peaches & cream ? NO ! Highly doubt it ! But will I be steadfast in LOVE, FAITH, and BELIEF? ! YOU BET YOUR PATOOTIE I WILL !!! Why would I turn my back on the BEST thing that has ever happened to me ? That would be the dumbest mistake I ever make.

So.. while time keeps on ticking away - it's the end of October ALREADY !!!  I choose to look forward, keep my eyes and heart OPEN, seek the positive, and remain steadfast in the comfort that God is in control AND enjoy the good times He's bringing to us.  Who knows what else He might bring ?! That's exciting ! I love adventure ! I love surprises ! Thank you God ! You are amazing !

Today's Daily Bread scripture just about fits the bill here so I'll share it w/ you : Proverbs 4:23-27

"(23)Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life. (24)Put away from you a deceitful mouth, and put perverse lips far from you. (25)Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids look right before you. (26) Ponder the path of your feet, And let all your ways be established. (27)Do not turn to the right or the left; Remove your foot from evil."

Keep looking ahead ! Keep looking up ! <3 God will always be there <3
If you continue to look back & re-live your tortured past.. You'll never get anywhere.

Series of unfortunate events

I have been so happy, feeling blessed and at peace w/ life & how things are in it. God has been so good and been comforting me every step of the way. The past week there have been some unfortunate disappointments. I think I faired rather well through them but I find myself feeling.. odd. I feel a little like.. well.. like I'm sitting on a plush pillow w/ a thumbtack sticking up through the fluff. Overall I'm still comfortable but there's this nagging pinch that just won't go away. I know God doesn't give us what we can't handle or learn from. So, I've been trying to look at what's happened -- the bigger picture.. what am I supposed to learn here?

A "friend" on Sat came to me - asked a favor. I did what was asked of me only to find out that he had USED me (once again!) This is a guy I dated 2 yrs back. He always tries to appear as a good friend but I've learned now that he is a TOTAL evil. Can't be trusted. EVER! again! I hate that. I know that a good Christian should give people the opportunity to reveal themselves as good and that forgiveness should be the key part of any friendship or relationship. However, how many times must a person get hurt & forgive before they realize that this person is NOT good for them?! NOT to be part of their life!?  Well, I've reached that point. I'll no longer be played a fool.

On Monday - amongst the mix of waiting for other people to do their jobs so I could do mine - I got an email that was a reminder of how far behind I am w/ inventory at work. I've been busting my hump for that place. Trying to do EVERYTHING I can to catch up AND stay on top of what all my other responsibilities are. . It set me off. It shouldn't have, but it did. I honestly just.. snapped inside: felt completely useless.  I think Satan saw his way to needle on me about it because I keep feeling like.. "hmm, maybe this isn't the job I should be doing? Maybe I should just wash my hands of all my efforts since they don't seem to make a difference or aren't good enough. Maybe I should just find another job where I won't make mistakes or get behind or be a major disappointment."

BIG MISTAKE !!! allowing myself to think those thoughts.. b/c it spread through all the other aspects of what has recently been the happiest I've ever been.. I was being too hard on myself. It's one of the traits of my being that I dislike the most. I get sensitive about things & I've been trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative. I had a moment of weakness and it just.. put a pinhole prick in my balloon of happiness... slowly deflating me.. like a slow leaking tire as you're rolling down the highway. I REFUSED TO CRY! I've come WAY too far and grown WAY too strong for that! Proud to say, I didn't cry. Felt like I was going to, but I didn't.

Next thing was.. got an email about Daniel not completing homework- like.. everyday!  *sigh* Now we're cracking down and making sure NOTHING else gets done until that boy has his homework COMPLETE! It's a disappointment to find out that your child is struggling .. especially when you're under the impression they are doing well. His spirits have been good & he's been appearing as though he's been productive, organized, and getting his work done. *sigh* I'm so worried!! It's only going to get WORSE as he gets older. The work gets harder. I pray he finds the ability and courage to just.. get it done. Sometimes I just feel like screaming: "DO IT" !!! I know that won't solve anything. *sigh*I pray that eventually he won't need us standing over him every step of the way.  I wish he LIKED getting his work done. Right now.. he sees the work & just GIVES UP! before he gets started. Saying "I'll never get done. It's impossible."  Last night .. while helping him complete a 8 page Health packet -- I just kept praying over and over.. Dear Lord, Please..he needs this. He needs to have the drive to get it done.  After a few questions it got really easy for him and I couldn't help but Thank God! ! for bringing the calm .. The accomplishment of getting it all complete.


Tues was a little better. I didn't sleep well so I got up & went to work EARLY! Did inventory by hand: paper, pencil & flashlight! No joke!! Then once the order reports were run, w/ the help of my co-worker, we just.. BLAM!!! got as much done as we could. HALF of a department... and YET.. I'm still not done w/ the one I was working on before *sigh* I ran a list of items in that area that I need to count, split it in half, gave one half to one co-worker & half to another. One co-worker returned their list to me w/ almost half of the items found & counted so I could just do a computer batch and get them done. The other co-worker returned the list with NOTHING done. *sigh*  Nothing like making efforts to get ahead and end up going in circles. Ha! ya.. I ride a hamster wheel at work. I sweat my butt off, go as fast as I can.. but sometimes I just trip & the wheel keeps spinning and I'm just .. along for the ride. HA! HA!

Despite it all I still feel happy. I'm praying God returns the feeling of peace & happiness to me.. the great JOY in my heart of knowing MY SAVIOR has is all under control and life is meant to be lived and loved! I want my bubble of happiness back!!!

There's one more issue. . it's nothing major but it's something I think about a lot.  God doesn't bring us what we want, but He brings us what we need. I'm feeling restrained. You see.. There's something that I think I want.. I feel God's pulling me towards it. I'm not sure I want to.. I don't want to run the risk of losing something that's been good, solid, and steady. I'm testing the waters a little bit, but trying to do so cautiously & w/ reserve. However, there are days when I just want to leap in w/ both feet b/c I sense that it could be the greatest thing ever---even though I'm afraid of it and not sure that it's 'set in stone' yet.   I pray about it all the time. I ask God to bring me the wisdom I need. I know He's got a plan promised to me.. I just hope that while I'm waiting & listening that I don't freak out & do something harmful to that plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11,13

Lord, You know my life. You know the ups / downs / ins / outs . You know what I need & what I want. Help me to find the lessons You need me to learn to better serve You. Help me to grow and bloom where You've planted me. I will try my best b/c it's all I have. I love You Lord. I trust You. Amen.

Just a Thought...

After getting both kiddos to school this morning, I made my way to Sheetz for coffee & a breakfast burrito..  Sat at the computer, munching & slurping.. scrolling the FB newsfeed.. I saw this:

 

While, I agree w/ the love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship & faith part.. This does marriage NO justice!!! Marriage is much much more than a piece of paper!!!! Marriage should be a 110% committment! ! It should be a whole heart-ed agreed upon decision that isn't to be entered into lightly. Deciding to marry someone & say "oh well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get a divorce" is the WORST thing anyone could ever say/do! and if I hear "everyone else in the world does it that way-why should I feel badly if I do it" I feel SICK!!! SICK SICK SICK!!!!

And here's where you say.. "well, April.. aren't you one to talk? You've been married and divorced THREE times." Yes.. yes I have. Do you know why??  All three marriages were based on the WRONG REASONS!!! I entered them lightly and didn't understand what it really was about.  First marriage I was young, "in love", and stupid. As we matured our priorities got messed up. We wanted different things. Neither of us loved each other enough to really fully understand each other or make it work. Neither of us were responsible or mature enough to take care of where our lives were heading. Both of us were making mistakes (**of the classic variety**) left & right. It was falling apart. Fell so much apart that the children now suffer -- not really knowing their father b/c he was too hurt to care AND I was too stubborn to let him continue to yank the children about w/ his childishness and bitterness.  Second marriage, ha ha! from beginning to end we were only together about 9 months or so.. we are still friends. We've forgiven and moved on. Allowing for a friendship to be where it should have been.. Don't get me wrong. . I loved him. Part of me still has a degree of love for him but it's a BLANKET covering his wife and two children too! That's how it is. Third husband.. well.. he may never forgive me nor his friends.. for what they think I did. However, I'm as much a victim (to a certain degree) as my daughter was in that relationship. EVERYONE suffered from that relationship. DISASTER!!! It was fun - when times were good - I loved him w/ a determined amount of love b/c I refused to see failure. He's where he is for a reason & the lessons we all learned from that experience are forever burned in our memories. May God protect us that it never happen again. That divorce was one I wished I had done faster. I took my time w/ it b/c I really didn't want trouble. That was final in 2009.  That was 4 yrs ago. I've forgiven him, the mistakes, and myself for allowing me to be so brainwashed/stubborn that I'd been so blind. .

A person can learn a lot in a lifetime. I honestly can say w/out a shadow of a doubt that marriage scares me a little bit. I remember the love I used to feel for those men. I remember the happiness I thought we had. I also remember the lack of committment I felt. The lack of knowledge and understanding. I also respect marriage A LOT!! It's an awesome thing. It's a joyous event to marry someone. It's the ultimate sign that you're fully committed to someone. Do you need that ceremony, paper signed by a official, and the big hoop de do? nah.. but you definitely need to show it EVERYDAY in every way you can to your significant other and in your life.


Compassion - Compromise - and Commitment.. The 3 c's.. are probably the root of what marriage should be.. 

Compassion.. Have compassion for yourself & your significant other. They need to know you care, respect, and value them as a person & your spouse. You must be willing to have the PASSION to show them that you want them to be happy. Happy with LIFE! not just the relationship. . but happy w/ all aspects.

Compromise.. Give & take should be EQUAL amounts in any relationship. If any one side of those two becomes greater-- hard feelings can begin to fester and grow evil, malicious thoughts of feeling used or neglected. This can lead to rationalizing the making of stupid and rash decisions. Fear and anger are the 2 things of this world that cause the most rash and reckless decisions ever made for a person. Anger breeds revenge. Fear breeds panic & chaos. All these emotions/feelings cause un-clear thinking & the inability to take information in, process it properly, and make clear, logically, and rational decisions.

Commitment.. what does commitment mean? full 100% commitment is a decision. Are we committed because we have to? sometimes. . but 99% of the time commitment comes b/c we WANT to. . it's something that pleases us, something that we enjoy doing, and something that we know is right & good. For example.. being committed to our faith, our children, our jobs, our hobbies, and our daily routines and activities. 

If two people decide they want to get married.. there is some things they need to consider..

#1 -- Are they alike in principle beliefs? (for me, the Bible tells me not to be unequally yoked w/ someone) it's a good demonstrations.. imagine being an oxen in a yoke.. and if one doesn't want to go the same direction as the other.. what's going to happen?? um.. danger! injury! and stalemate!

#2 --  Are they alike in mind, passions, and hobbies? do you want the same things in life? They say opposites attract.. but I don't believe complete opposites can stay together. Just an example.. I'm an outgoing, talkative, outdoors gal.. I know that if I were w/ someone quiet, shy, and stayed indoors all the time.. it wouldn't last long. There has to be a common ground that both parties can come to in order for there to be something there to make it work.  I don't see how it would work if there isn't something that two people can come together and enjoy doing. *here's where sex is dangerous* If the only common ground you have is sex.. well.. I have news for you.. That isn't going to work either! Sex w/out love & commitment is the WORST ! It will only carry you so long before you are LOOKING for a way out! The thinking of "the grass is greener on the other side" ..  I've been there. I've seen it happen. It's NOT good! 

#3 -- Does each individual have what it takes to full understand commitment? Are you able to fully understand that sometimes that will mean rough times are ahead and that you will have to do some pretty suck-tacular things in order to make it work? It's going to be EVERY DAY - FOREVER! Yes, things can change. Yes, people change. Yes, life happens. If you're fully committed to something - no matter what happens - you make it work. I keep thinking.. Jesus was committed by God from DAY 1!! of His life to die for us. He knew His work would only last so long physically on Earth. He knew that every day was a step towards that ultimate sacrifice. That is how we should live our lives. . carrying around the dedication of LIVING - to do what it takes of ourselves to be committed. Committed to life! If you've exhausted all ounces of your being on someone that isn't committed to you then what have you done? Just think about it. If the person you are contemplating marriage with is NOT as committed to the relationship.. where is it going to lead?

Just.. a.. thought..
It's amazing what trouble, turmoil, and time can do to a person. I know it's changed me. It continues to change me.  I know if ever an opportunity for  marriage came along.. It would be different. Divorce wouldn't be an option. "Til Death do us part" would be the only way.. and even then.. I'd rejoice.. b/c I know that if I went before he did.. I'd see him again in Heaven.. to dance in the glory of God.. reunited.
It makes me choke up to think it. . God's pretty awesome that way. <3

Feeders & Faith

So this morning.. We're staying home. Lily had her first official sleepover here at my house w/ her friend Nichole. It was fun! Two teenage girls giggling and talking about what teenage girls talk about. They were pretty mild as compared to what I remember as a teen girl, sleeping over w/ my friends..

I walked to Sheetz for my coupon filled newspapers & a coffee. I have a decaf cappacino for my sleeping beauty--she'll be surprised! :D As I approached the house a little chipmunk darted back/forth by my carport. One of my favorite creatures. I know they can be destructive but they're so darn cute!!! Remind me of Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers ;) **there I go.. dating myself again** LOL!









So, I sat on the stoop few a while and enjoyed watching the little chipmunk & my various feathered friends enjoy the awesome feeder I got for my birthday. (Probably one of the best things to be given as a gift.) I'm an outdoors/wilderness kind of gal. Living in town makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. So, anything than can bring a little bit of "home" to me is an awesome thing.

I sat out there for a good 45 minutes or better; watching, laughing, and snapping pictures of those comical and beautiful birds & the little chipmunk. It's amazing how "at home" I felt. That feeling of calm comfort came over me and completed covered me like the mist on my clothes from walking in the morning fog. It was everywhere. It consumed me.

I was listening: still and peaceful. God speaks in whispers, ya know?! and He's been telling me many things over the past several months. (*Now that I'm listening*) Here is my train of thought...
If God hadn't allowed me / carried me thru the struggle of a breakup 2 months ago, I wouldn't have had the courage to be so open and friends w/ the new friend that got me the bird feeder for my birthday. If I hadn't gotten that feeder I wouldn't be feeding those birds which causes me joy & brings me calm comfort so I can sit quietly & listen to God. So, I know God's watching and He's got control of my life & the lives of people He's bringing in/taking out.

I started to hum.. one of my favorite hymns.. ♫♪ His eye is on the sparrow.. and I know He watches me. ♫♪ and my heart and mind was overflowing w/ God's love for me. If He has time to take care of & watch out for the sparrows.. am I not worth more? So He's definitely taking care of it all. Pretty awesome stuff. <3

Matthew 6:25-34 (Jesus is speaking)

"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? (26)Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more value than they? (27) Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? (28) So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; (29) and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (30)Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (31) Therefore(*I love therefore.. it puts emphasis on what we should really be listening for! *) do not worry, saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' (32) For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. (33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (34) Therefore (*again! woo hoo! *) do  not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

So, I was reminded.. That even if I don't know what the future holds.. I know He is watching out for me. He's got His plan & I have to remain diligent, loyal, and listen! If He knows the # of hairs on my head, knows the inner most workings of my heart, and I continue to bloom where He has planted me .. then I know that He's going to bless and reward me w/ all the things I need - when He knows I'll need them - in His perfect timing. What an awesome God!!! Truly amazing. My heart's exploding w/ love.

♫♪ I sing because I'm happy ♫♪ I sing because I'm free ♫♪ His eye is on the sparrow ♫♪ and I know He watches me. ♫♪





Have a pleasant Sunday everyone. <3 much love to you all. <3

Holy Crap! I still have a blog?!

I just can't believe it..
Ya know a lot has happened since my last blog..
Long story short - I met someone but you'll never guess what?! almost a YEAR to the DAY of him moving in w/ me.. HE LEFT ME. Imagine that?! He was away for a while & called me.. 10:30 pm and says.. "I think we should break up."
Really? You're really going to do this? um..

Well.. that was in July.. by Aug when he was back in town (a week 1/2 after the break up) I had his things packed and ready to roll..

I've been going back to church.. the church I had a vision I'd get married in. . back in Forest Hill w/ Pastor Butch Woolsey & a great crew of folks that I've known a long time .. and some that I've just met but feel at home around.

Kids are doing great. Daniel's a FRESHMAN! AHHHhhhhhh!!!!
Lily's in 8th grade.. *sigh* Both have adjusted fairly well to the break up & the "return to normalcy"..

There's a bit of a void there.. for me it was the feeling of hope.. hope for a life w/ someone to share things.. Hope that I'd never have to go to a funeral alone again.. or worse.. a wedding alone.. *sigh*
Oh well.. These things happen I guess.

I'm still pushing forward as always.. I'm stronger than I ever was & God knows the need.. He'll fill it if/when the time is right <3


****Here's a little something I wrote back in 2007 that fits perfectly****
"Out of the ashes.. from being burned.. rises up a NEW life.. a NEW being.. like a forest fire.. it can be better than what was before.. give it time, keep the Faith, hold the Truth in your heart.. and you will see that you are stronger, wiser, and more equipped for a better life. . one that you're meant to be living."



Love to you all --- Glad to be back :)

April W.