I'm feeling weak & vulnerable. My confidence & self esteem has been waning. I don't feel like the "good woman" people claim I am. I feel troubled and like I'm not doing things that are helpful. Work has been busy with overtime, which I'm grateful. Every morning I wake up - get to work - and do my best. I get home, make supper and do my best to keep ahead of dishes and laundry. Then I fall asleep praying for the people around me. I often times wish I had more time, more money, and more ways to help people, but between work and bills I barely have had enough time for my own things - let alone trying to make time for others. It's terrible. I know. I can't fix that. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for the tasks being presented to me. I get confused. I get frustrated. It hurts me. It really does!
On the flip side, I can't express to you how genuinely happy I truly am! I really feel joy & happiness in the way life is going right now. There are some times I can't shake the feeling of wanting something more. Something different. I picture things - let my mind drift a little - and then I end up getting confused or sad or feel angry with myself for being so selfish and feel stupid. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for God to help me not to want things- to stop dreaming up unrealistic hopes. I dislike when I feel like I want something I can't have. It makes me feel like a rotten servant of God, like I'm selfish, and shouldn't deserve it. I know God is good & life is meant to be lived well. I know that is so because I have a good stable job, decent co-workers, the best family, and a few awesome friends that I'd really miss if they weren't there. I am very grateful for that! ! I've worked very hard and endured many things to maintain, with God working through me. I honestly can't be sure what / if any changes are coming. Maybe I'm just to continue where I am, with what I have, and just keep doing what I'm doing. My emotions sometimes get the best of me and cause me to blurt out things that I probably shouldn't .. I pray for forgiveness for that. I really am trying my best to be the best me I can be with out the hassle of drama, negativity, and strife. I really don't want to be a burden. I want to be an example of faith, love, and happiness-- REGARDLESS of what happens in my life: good or bad. I will praise Him, pray to Him, and let Him have the control.
I hate it when people talk to me because they feel obligated-like "oh I better say something or she'll feel bad." Honestly, if you don't want to talk to me - tell me that. One thing I can't stand is someone that says "call me, text me, or you can talk to me" but when you reach out them - gets huffy or treats you like a burden. Speaks only enough to get the conversation over. It actually hurts more than if they'd just say "I really can't talk right now or I have enough going on, please it wouldn't be fair for me to try to listen right now." It's called communication. If you don't want to hear from me for a few days - tell me! I'll respect that. I may not understand it, but I'll respect it.
Another thing this week--> It drives me nuts when people only talk to me because they want something from me: my time, my money, or a question about some dramatic situation. (*which for the most part I've been doing pretty good steering clear of the drama queens in my life. Wish I could say the same for others.*) I know Facebook is part of my ministry but this week I wanted to delete it. I get so sick of the garbage people put each other through PUBLICLY on Facebook. It's incredible. I feel so bad for them. I pray for them. I try not to post negativity, get involved in drama or caps lock battles. It is sometimes very hard to refrain from speaking my mind. I think it boils down to respect. I respect myself too much to ALLOW myself to fall victim to someone's overwhelming inability for self-control. There were times when I fell victim to that. . last few years. . not so much. I pray God grant me the self-control and be slow to anger. It's always going to be a work in progress but it's worth it.
So that's where I am. God help me. I get "strange".. and want to hermit myself away.
I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute.
Still clinging to my Jesus & His saving grace <3