Yeah. Signs of spring are everywhere. You can see the ground again. I heard rumors of robins being spotted. There's been some sunshine the past few days & temps above 40 degrees. People are twitterpated. Walking together, holding hands, and being all mushy and ogling each other w/ love struck doe eyes. *gag*
--> side note <--
I like Spring. I really do.. but I hate the spring "rut". It's this primal animal instinct to pair up with a supposed 'mate' and show it off to the rest of the world. *gag*
Don't get me wrong - I am happy for those that have given in to the 'beast' and do it. I'll be praying that it works out & you live a happy & full life together - blessed. It's cool.
I just get really tired of seeing it - hearing about it - and being asked "are you seeing anyone?"
Drives me nuts ! !
--> ok.. I'm done ranting now. <--
The past 4 days I've not slept well. When I do sleep - I've had strange dreams that are so weird and haunting that they just linger. . People have often said about dreams & the possible meanings they have. Like - they're signs for what's to come or what you need to learn. I'm not completely sold on the whole 'believing in dreams' theory. I've often asked God to take away my dreams because I view them as stupid & unsettling & a distraction to what is real.
I'm not sure why God is allowing these things but I'm sure there's a reason. I just have to get through it. I've been trying to get back on track with life. For a while, I was really getting down & nearly depressed. I almost saw a doctor. My pastor was in on Tuesday - had prayer with me & talked a little while. That seemed to help - I felt a wave of calm afterwards. I knew God was bringing peace.
I started to believe I'd get through this week feeling better.
I prayed that God grant me the ability to keep myself controlled and not be steered away from what He wants me to do/think/say.
That was Tuesday - I came home & rearranged my living room, had fun w/ Lily & it was a good evening. I took the motivation of a sign of good changes to come, a glimmer of hope of things to strive for, or even a sense of accomplishment / validation.
Then.. Wednesday, while I was working - my dad has stopped to inform me that my grandmother had a heart attack and was being rushed to the hospital for surgery. Knowing my father, I immediately started calling the folks that needed to know: family, clergy, and etc.. I kept praying the whole time - knowing God was with them and that everything -regardless of the outcome would be alright. At 2:30 pm I was about to my breaking point. I was drained. I couldn't stand it. When I took a break, I finally let out a few tears. **have I ever mentioned how much I hate when I cry? I see crying as a sign of weakness / instability in myself. Like I'm not strong enough to handle what's happening so.. I cry.**
By 3pm, it was bad enough and left work.
I felt defeated and vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. *that's where I've been lately*
I keep looking for signs that it's not true. That I'm as strong as I need to be. That I'm being strong enough for those around me. A co-worker keeps saying things like "we're human" and "nobody is perfect". . Yeah, well.. I don't like it. When I cry - I feel weak and it's almost as if my tears are discrediting the feelings I have. Like, every time I slip up and cry - no matter what I'm feeling has become completely nothing. fake. stupid. or like I'm over dramatizing it.
Anyway - signs. I've been looking for signs. I've been praying for God to reveal things to me and I know He'll answer in His perfect timing. There are days though when wonder why it has to be so complicated ?? I pray that it could be so much simpler.
Either yes or no - black or white - all or nothing. No more gray areas, where you hang in limbo and feel like you're missing something - where you're left room to wonder if you're searching for something that isn't there.
Despite all the human mind twisting: I know God is there -doing what He needs to do. I trust He's leading the way and I'm really trying to clear out the distractions and seek the REAL signs: The ones from Him.
You see, this week I had an experience. I had an opportunity to turn some information over to authorities about possible illegal activity. I went for it. Turns out, I was probably right.
I feel that I did the right thing.
Even though, there was plenty of people around me that were trying to persuade me to stop.
"you know, you're going to feel horrible about doing this if it turns out to be nothing."
I still did it anyway. It felt good. Made me feel a sense of "ok God, I know you placed me here today for a reason. An act of justice for the greater good - a little larger scale than usual."
Normally, I'm happy just kinda acting on small things on the sidelines: praying for folks, offering help which they never seem to take, smiling at people that need a smile, doing things for people w/out being asked, and etc.. This was one of the biggest things I've done for a long time. It made me feel so good that I even thought about looking into a career in law enforcement. I talked myself out of that though.
haha! ! I'm getting really good at that.
I don't really know where to go from here... I've kinda lost track ..
Guess I'll just leave this open ended...
cliff...........................................................................hanger.
Here's to another day of living. . and an opportunity to look for signs.
Whether they are good / bad / ugly / or just.. there.
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