Rough Week / God Speaks

Yes, it's been a rough week already and it's only Tuesday. *sigh*
On Sunday evening, my teenage daughter did something that shocked me to the core. I felt so horrible and was overwhelmed with fear, worry, disappointment and terrible anger. 
I spent 85% of Sunday night just crying, praying, and staring at the ceiling of the room.  That issue is yet to be resolved completely, however, I am feeling much better today about it. I'm not going into detail but my 13 yr old is probably going to give me an ulcer from the stress I feel. I felt depressed. I immediately felt horrible sadness and cried. **side note. I HATE CRYING. Seriously, I take it as a weakness. I hate it. **

Monday was a blur.. I numbly walked through my day at work, wondering about things, praying, and just "maintaining". I kept my emotions and thoughts in check as best I could. Tried to pull out of the 'funk' I was feeling.

Suddenly, it's Tuesday. . what?
This morning, I was already at work when I had something come to me.. it went like this..

"Why must we toll to prove our worth? Why do we have to appear as though we're stressed and over worked in order to be of value of appreciation, praise, and blessing? " I was reminded of a passage in John 15(NIV)

1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^a so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

I thought about the analogy of using a fruit tree for this.  Now why would God use a tree for an analogy about people? I like trees. They're an awesome reminder for me of how mighty God really is. An acorn eventually grows into a huge oak if you leave it alone and in the right conditions and let it do what God intended it to do.... Hmm.. ohhh.. Lord.. there's something in that. .

So, here's where my head started wrapping around this .. Now, I could be totally & completely wrong here so - I'm just putting this out there in case I've got something here..

Ok.. if I'm a tree. . say.. a lemon tree.. I'm going to produce fruit w/ the right circumstances- no matter what. I'm doing what is intended, naturally to happen. Ok.  Naturally, I reflect on my surroundings. My family, my home, my job, and my co-workers. What kind of fruit am I producing? Do they trust me? Do they see me as an example of good or bad? Why do I continue to have trouble w/ things if I'm producing good fruit? Why are my struggles the same? I've been doing my best, working really hard, making sure I haven't done anything unworthy and why does it feel like I'm still not naturally producing good fruit??? Why do I feel like I have to prove that I'm good? That I've changed? That I'm a godly woman that loves life and wants the best for people around her ? Do my children reflect the changes that I've made?
*I almost got depressed at that question to myself. * I still struggle w/ feeling terribly about how rough I sometimes was around my children. I didn't show them properly how to handle life, how to rely on God, and believe.. I truly strive to make up for that now. **


a song came to me..
Days are filled with sorrow and care,
Hearts are lonely and drear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Refrain:
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Calvary, Calvary;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Cast your care on Jesus today,
Leave your worry and fear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.

Troubled soul, the Saviour can see
Ev'ry heartache and tear;
Burdens are lifted at Calvary,
Jesus is very near.
Not long after that, I was distracted by work things and focused my attention upon it. Meanwhile, I was feeling a little better than Monday - for sure ! ! Working at where I am I have made many friends from within the community, for different reasons. Today - - was a God speak day. MOST of my day I was placed in opportunities to either listen or LISTEN or L I S T E N !!! and most assuredly learn.

I was sharing some of the 'troubles' we've seen in my 13 yr old daughter with the intentions of remembering her in prayer.. I got a little upset b/c I was flooded w/ feelings again.. I didn't cry but I felt like it. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm reminded of my crazy Grandmother who lived her whole life lying so badly and believing her own lies to manipulate AND I'm not even sure she was fully aware she did it. She was messed up! I was sure that dealing w/ that kind of behavior died & was buried along w/ her. I was trying to be a little humorous while speaking about it to mask my feelings.

***what happens next is truly the most amazing thing**

He let me have it!

I witnessed the power of God speaking through my friend -  WITHOUT a doubt!
The words just flowed out of him like water down a mountain. SERIOUSLY!
You want to talk about good fruit from a good tree?! This guy's the real deal.


The message was this:::

DO NOT DOUBT YOUR GOD. If you're going to give Him EVERYTHING and that means EVERYTHING --> we must NEVER doubt His control.  Normally, folks are so willing to pray when they've given up hope, exhausted everything of their own accord, and putting their faith into God's hands LAST. I need to remember to do that FIRST! He is the Alpha AND the Omega. . ok?! So.. let's get together on this.. Even our children.. Yes, I gave birth to them, but it was GOD who has really given them life so.. why shouldn't I let Him really have them ? The troubles that I'm having w/ my daughter.. that's minor. God is much greater than any of it. She is His daughter too. Let Him correct her. I should be thankful for every moment He allows me to have as her mother and do everything I can to do that HIS way.

Again, one of my favorite verses comes in here:


Proverbs 3:5-6(NKJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^[a] your paths.

I had a moment of absolutely weak in the knees revelation. REVIVAL.
Internally, I cried out to God and asked forgiveness for being so stupid. Thanked Him for another lesson learned. Opened my eyes and my heart to what He wanted me to understand.

Not long afterwards, I felt so much better.
Whether I bear good fruit or not - I do not know. I'm still just a growing tree, doing what I was intended to do, surrounded by God's love and guidance.. Just a little more focus, faith and belief on my part.. and ASSUREDLY everything will be alright. I believe it.
I don't hope it. . I BELIEVE IT!!!

Valentine's Day

So, my FaceBook newsfeed is flooded with a variety of mushy dribble. It drives me nuts!!! I'm happy for you if you've found love, believe in romance, and etc etc. Really. I'm just sick of it though. I'm a bit realistic. From my experience, isn't love something we should try to show all the time / everyday? Not just one day - buy a present - and call it done? Please!!

Just so you're aware --- I am NOT desperate. I am NOT seeking a relationship, unless God brings one worthy to me.  I am NOT depressed or sad that I'm "alone". (*I know I'm not alone. God is always with me & He's got a pretty awesome circle of loving family & friends around me.*)

Romantic relationships is a sore subject for me, probably always will be. Anyone that really knows me - is fully aware of this. I am who God has made me. There is no definition except - I'm a part of Him that He's building for my job in heaven. All I know is that I have been embracing my independence, working hard, trying to be confident but humble, and do the best I can everyday to be grateful and look for opportunities to serve.

 I pray for my friends that are so overwhelmed with trials. I'm grateful for folks that are praying for me, while I just keep plugging away. I've had some "truth" laid on my heart lately & I'm going to share...

(*Remember!! I'm not actively looking for relationship. I'm not waking up everyday and saying "oh, I better gussy myself - just in case "the one" shows up today."  I am NOT thinking about it day/night. Sometimes, it crosses my mind, but otherwise -- I just do what I need to do to get through the day at work, get home, and enjoy what little time I have at home. I don't do dating websites. I don't do the bar scene. I do NOT accept blind date set ups. I do NOT accept flirts or advances from married men. I do NOT need a man to define who I am as a woman. I am NOT your average gal. PERIOD.*)

Last week, I was reminded.. if I were to actively seek a man for my life.. I found some pictures of what I'm up against..

Do you see these two ladies? When I see pictures like these I LAUGH til I nearly wet myself. #1 - she doesn't even have waders on and WHO in their right mind wears jewelry to go tropping around in a creek / stream that you might lose it forever. #2 - who wears a bikini by a creek to practice their bow. I can understand if you're bow fishing but as you can clearly see - her bow is NOT set up for it.



This.. is what I'm up against.

I am practical. I am real. If I have a picture of me holding a fish - I'm probably soaking wet, feet covered in mud, and look like a big smiling dork.


I don't do archery. So, don't look for pictures of me w/ a bow. I like it, I respect it, but I don't know much about it so it's not impossible for me, but unlikely that I'll just suddenly get into it.



This.. is why I get frustrated.

Ladies, not only are we in danger of creating unrealistic expectations for men but men are just as likely to have unrealistic expectations as well for us. Let's stop kidding ourselves and be real!  I don't doubt that there are ladies out there - that look like this - and are as real as they come, not afraid of getting dirty or fishy or sit for hours on end - in the cold to bag their prey. That's terrifying for me. Terrifying.

Here I sit, rising from the ashes of some lousy decisions in the past, feeling stronger, wiser, and more confident that if the right man were to be brought to me that I could bring him a level of happiness that I've only dreamed about - and be just as happy doing that. . and there are ladies out there that don't have to do anything and they have a supply of decent, respectable guys just fawning over them. So, what do I do with this? I internalize it. I see it as my problem. I work even harder to be the best "me" I can be. I  make resolutions that include losing 100 lbs, learn to tan hides, make things of leather, build a smokehouse teepee, and keep plugging away - working at a hardware store and trying to show respect, kindness, and love to everyone I come in contact with -- set an example. Show God's love when we're surrounded by a world of evil, deceit, and hate.


Last night at the grocery store, I met a beautiful young lady. BEAUTIFUL. She was lively, smiled a lot, and apparently intelligent! She confused me. You could clearly see her hair was NOT her own, her eyebrows were shaved and drawn on, and she had fake eyelashes too. I bit my tongue. I wanted so badly to ask her why she did all that?! Why would she mask her real beauty? I stayed silent. I prayed for that young lady. She is being sucked into a world that would rather you hide behind fake than be proud of the real you and be damned the consequences.

I am who I am. I'm a gal with a variety of ideals, quirks, and faults. I am NOT your perfect woman.
I pray for God to help me, not rely on friends and family to bail me out. I suffer through times when yes, it would be simpler to ask for help from someone, but I'd rather go it alone b/c I REFUSE to be a needy burden on someone that is only doing something out of sympathy or obligation. I REFUSE to be that type of person. God help me. I love who I am. I feel confident that God is molding and shaping me - every step of the way. I'm as real as they come.

So.. now that I've completely sidetracked here.. tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Believe it or not, amongst the sea of stupid gifts & candy at Weis - I actually saw something I want. This weekend, when the prices drop - I'll pick it up for myself. Valentine's Day and every day - you should love yourself for who you are, the person God's building in you, and love the life He provides. No, you may not always be in a relationship with someone - but YES you are always loved. ALWAYS.

Enjoy !!! <3