Today began with confusion and ended w/ depression, sadness, and confusion.
Walked the kids to school today - even though B98.3 said there wasn't any?! It was confusing. Took Lily to the nurses office and of course she found a few eggs on her head and wouldn't let her back to class. *sigh* So I brought Lily home, picked her head and she & I settled in for tv and relaxation. I called the nurse to see if I could bring her back and she said no. I had spoken to a secretary in the office to see if Lily's teachers could get some work together for her to do over the weekend so she can catch up. That didn't happen and I'm not terribly surprised though.
Good news! Denise was released to go back to her house & nothing was destroyed! That was awesome to hear. Unfortunately I opened my big fat mouth and ended up freaking her mother out (*bawling and screaming at Denise thanks to me*) because their house is gone! everything ruined. They are planning on living in their camper (seasonal home) behind Mifflinburg while the repairs and renovations are being made to their place. I mentioned that the creek back there sometimes floods also and wondered if they checked how bad it got out there. Of course, that set into motion a chain of events that I feel so badly about that I wish I could snap my fingers and take it back. Poor Denise. Her mother apparently bawled and screamed at her for a while. I did my best to find out what was going on there and found that no one said anything was damaged. I just couldn't do it fast enough. It's no wonder the parents of my friends usually hate me. I really wish I had just kept my BIG FAT MOUTH shut. It's a wonder I even have any friends any more w/ the way I stick my foot in my mouth all the time.
So, around 1pm I ended snapping at a friend of mine's post because I thought he was saying "thank you" to my going to bed because he was annoyed with my many posts on Facebook. Another foot in my mouth. He called me and set me straight. Part of me was thinking that he was feeding me that just make me feel bad, but he did make a rational & understandable point.
I couldn't take it anymore. I curled up on the couch and took a nap. Dreamed a strange dream that felt so real. Woke up just in time to go for Daniel at school. We returned home and I went straight back to the couch. I let the kids snack & watch TV while I lay there on my fat, lazy a** feeling sorry, sad, tired, and depressed.
I got up with just enough ambition to put together a quick & easy supper. Boiled some whole wheat egg noodles, drained the water - tossed in some "butter" and a little skim milk - some powdered cheddar cheese and sprinkled with grated parmesan cheese. Kids ate it up like crazy! I ate my serving and stopped. I did indulge in a snack - choc chip cookie dough pop tart and washed down with some skim milk. After supper I couldn't stand it. I was feeling fat, lazy and stupid - - I grabbed the mower and got the lawn mowed. I should have raked up the clippings but I didn't feel like it. Came into the house and logged on Facebook and made a few apologies and deleted a post of two just to be on the safe side not to step on anyone's feelings.
It wasn't long after that my mom sent me a text that she was coming for the kids. I managed to wash & dry a load of sheets & blankets. I have a load of colored wash soaking right now and I will use a lantern - go out back and hang them. You see.. I've been living the super simple life for some time now. My washer and dryer unit broke over two years ago. I've been hand washing the clothes & hanging them to dry in the bathtub. Then I built a clothesline out back (*which I must add needs redone*) and that has been a blessing. It makes it difficult sometimes because I have to depend on the weather and I wait longer for things to dry sometimes.
Oh and I should mention - that lawn mower is a push mower. My push mower with a motor on it quit working on me earlier this year. I had it torn apart several times. A few things were fixed on it but it still remains unused: doesn't start, doesn't work and makes up some of the clutter in my carport. My new lawn mower is a system of blades, like a combine; and they rotate - - a reel mower. I get a lot of strange looks and even some comments sometimes, but it's all I have and I use it. The lifestyle I've been living here is actually turning 'greener' than I ever imagined. I'm currently plotting where to place my garden I want to plant next year. I don't need something huge, but I do want a raised garden with good soil. I'll plant lettuce, peppers, cucumbers, and green beans and maybe even a little corn. It would be nice to have a watermelon patch & maybe even a small pumpkin & squash patch too. Oh! and eggplant would be great! and beets..We'll see.. I just wish I still lived in the country where I could burn my trash, have a huge compost heap, a few animals, and more room for the lifestyle that I prefer to live. It's so stifling living in town, by myself, without a bedroom of my own etc etc etc.. I don't own a car any more and I really wish that if I had the room & permission - I would buy a horse or at least a pony w/ a cart to get around places. *sigh* I dream of these things and God knows my hearts desire. I ask him for forgiveness for the distraction and for feeling low about not being able to be the person I feel I'm supposed to be..
Another one of my friends got married today. She looked beautiful! Happy! and I pray for her success & the best of years to come! Feel a little bittersweet about it - - As I mowed the yard I heard / started listing all the things about me that I feel keep me from being able to find someone. It's rather disheartening. I pray God forgives me for those thoughts and that he helps take those feelings away. I dislike feeling unwanted. It's a nasty place to be when you're working - alone - Don't get me wrong I don't want to find someone to do things for me - I just want to find someone to share in these things with me. Even if it's just to visit with me while I'm weeding my garden or be in the dining room while I'm canning those lovely veggies etc. I would like to find what I've always wanted: someone to share everything with - like my best friend/ someone I can trust & rely on (if I need to but would not do unless necessary) - someone that would hold a equal (for the most part) relationship that would be interested in my passions and I in his.. that's not too much to ask, is it?!
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